Think of how fast we will get to the mid-credit scenes at the end of movies when the credits are just “made with AI.”

I wake up, I go to work. Thank you for reading my autobiography.

For some reason I feel compelled to talk to my children as if I believe the world is, or could be, a good place. This flies in the face of all evidence to the contrary. But deep down I know. If I don’t leave them some money they’re probably fucked.

The horror.

Could be worse, it could have been 6 9.

Nothing more authentically America than being an asshole for no reason at all.

Going to Halloween as exhaustion this year.

They took the wrong doorknob out of the White House.

Game translator just made you’re not the boss of me into you’re not my direct supervisor and that’s my new phrase.

Raise a glass to sobriety!

As husbands go I am still acceptable.

Finally grew a watermelon in Montana.

The Phillies getting swept by the Dodgers after the season they had will hit hard. You know, if you like the Phillies.

“Anti people now you’ve gone too far, here’s your antichrist superstar.” - Nostradamus, I mean Marilyn Manson

Fed the chickens wings today. That’s how you turn a chicken back into an egg.

If you’re living right your middle finger probably stays up these days.

AI actors means everything will be a cartoon soon enough.

Surely they have this right to discriminate. SCOTUS has told us that is a basic human right, emblazoned in the constitution. It’s right there next to the line about being free to be a dick.

Sorry, can’t right now, busy being incredulous.

Sure, dogs clean their butthole with their tongue. But at least they clean it. #ChoosetheDog

Sad to be here for the Dumb af era.

Can’t drink all day bc I have to breathe.

Death by 1000 rfkjrs.

Tylenol is only bad if you crush it up and snort it when you’re pregnant.

News from outer space.

To honor my friend CJ, every time I get high today I’m just cramming the bud in the bowl without breaking it up at all.

2025 Person of the Year should be measles. Having an absolute banner year.

Wonder the midterm odds for “rich white guy from out of state” vs the field.

I’m so glad they cancelled cancel culture.

In America, we nationalize the means of production for money, not for communism!

A lot of people are talking about how you never see Melania and Loomer in the same room at the same time and that it’s bc they’re the same alien.

Don’t you know? Only the regime is allowed to suggest, incite or enact violence.

If you don’t say nice things about the hateful dead man you will be punished.

When I see a flag on a truck I assume they don’t stand for American things they stand for trump things.

Happy shopping season to those who celebrate.

Political violence is only allowed in the Capitol fools. Supreme Court said so.

Well I see they have everyone talking about what they want everyone talking about. Epstein.

I think regardless of religion, we all look forward to questioning Epstein in the afterlife.

Something tells me this flu season might be a bad one.

Terps don’t lie, shit will get you high.

My favorite breakfast is a tablespoon of butter in my coffee.

US Culture is champagne budget but natty light taste.

ICE Opens New Supermax Detention Center For Most Hardened Toddlers

True Dick Taters get dick done. Not like ours. www.npr.org/2025/09/03/n...

This is the way, you know how pissed he’d be?

We’re in a nice Italian place in Red Lodge after a hike. My 8 yo is devouring my shrimp gnocchi, her taste is too expensive to be 8.

Our band is gonna start releasing our music solely on our own proprietary platform so we can be the most indie band ever.

“almost no room with the couch” 🤣🤣🤣