After the last few days of the government loudly positioning JD Vance as the obvious fall guy for this spectacular failure, I was pretty certain that there's no way he survives this. But now I wanna change my answer: I think Vance's path to surviving this is that Netanyahu doesn't.

TRUMP: (completely fucks up Iran war) PUTIN: Oh YEAH? HOLD MY VODKA AND WATCH THIS

Of all the things that will never happen, this is going to happen the neverest, but the idea that the constitutional law prof and the guy who Gentleman's-Ced his way through a BA at Wharton and was described by one professor as "dumbest guy I ever met" are intellectually on the same level is just-

The traditional diner chicken-fried steak breakfast -- with sausage and black pepper gravy, eggs over medium, hash browns, toast, jam, coffee, and orange juice -- is the absolute pinnacle of the American culinary tradition. I will not be taking questions at this time.

That is the loudest anthem I have ever heard.

I'm gonna need somebody to explain to me how exactly we're in the middle of the tenth minute of the six minutes of stoppage time.

During Trump 1, I joked that we were going to invade France, and now I would like to apologize for putting that idea out into the world, even in jest.

...is it bad that the Trump admin has progressed from "can't hire a competent cabinet secretary" through "can't hire competent DoJ lawyers" all the way to "can't hire competent pool guy"? Because that seems bad, from a shining city on a hill to the peoples' house 1/3rd destroyed, by a crusty pool?

They really let a UFC fighter call our only Black First Lady a man on the White House lawn at an official White House event … while thousands cheered and the biggest podcaster in the world smiled. There is no economic policy fix for this. Many of these people are just racist.

Are the Belgian secret police called the Stroopwaffen?

...is that fireworks, or thunder?

National Wine, Craft Beer, and Food Truck Festival

Note to everyone attempting to argue with the weather report: (Jim Morrison preacher voice) YOU CANNOT ARGUE WITH THE WEATHER REPORT! www.youtube.com/watch?v=39nf...

Whatever the number is, history suggests you should take the over.

It's the Cuban missile crisis, except this time with Mark Cuban and King Missile.

Do you mean to tell me that the fortieth time he said a deal was imminent, it turns out that a deal was NOT imminent? That's unpossible!

MICROORGANISMS ARE WOKE DEI SHITLIBS

omfg, I thought I was kidding

...OMG he's the evil Spock universe Daffy Duck

So the thirty-ninth time a deal was imminent ALSO turned out to be a false alarm? MAN, what are the odds of THAT?

Mr Secretary, a followup question: what the fuck are you talking about?

“Bigotry against white men” As a white man who has been out of the white man closet for more than five decades now, let me invite you to shut the fuck up.

"guys like me built the country" motherfucker WHAT?

If there's no avoiding this whole White House wrestling thing, is there at least some way this guy could get hit with a folding chair?

Five things is too many dumb things in a sentence. Usually you want to go with three, although a common variant is to list three in the setup and then a fourth in the punchline.

I'm pretty much the opposite of a medical doctor, but the first thing that springs to mind for me is that he has something like multiple myeloma, cancer of the fucking everything.

old and busted: Trump tearing up deals made by that idiot Obama new hotness: Trump tearing up deals made by that idiot Trump

Dear the Internet: Is milk with shit in it bad for you? The doctors say it is, but I don't know if we should trust them...

Andrew Giuliani just explained to BBC News America that the FIFA referee was not allowed in the country because of his "association with known terrorists". The USA: the strongest country in the world, yet somehow deathly afraid that one skinny old dude is going to yellow card all of us to death.

This is tricky, a lot of teens are much more aware of the larger implications of their diets than we were. I think you're gonna need to camouflage it, like, hide it in the carbonara and the pulled pork sandwiches and stuff.

...do they make left-handed fighter planes? How 'bout in countries where they drive on the wrong side of the road, and shift gears with the wrong hand?

I don't know why this seems like a more terrifying statement than usual. Has he completely checked out of reality? Or is this just more "who you gonna believe, me, or your lying eyes?" for his sunk-cost-adherent base?

If you come for the Queen, you'd best not miss.

...I guess it was probably too much to ask that, when he fell asleep, all 20,000 people should have quietly got up and left. ...and then, once the place was empty, hit the hockey goal horn.

FOX NEWS FEED:

When someone makes a TV ad, do they ever show it to people and ask "What's the message you take away from this?" I'm asking because I don't really get the call-to-action in this latest ad "Expedia: We're Annoying"

If there's anyone aware that the three-goal lead is the second most dangerous lead in hockey, it's Mitch Marner.

Y'know, I like PK, and Messier is a legend, but if the USA was a party to the ICC, the rest of the Disney/ABC/ESPN hockey coverage is something we would be forced to apologize for at the Hague. People would be jailed.

He's gonna get the Nobel Prize for Blinking

The evolution of direct-to-video: the "Shaq is my friend-with-benefits" commercial will be the first in history to go directly to the AI-generated section of PornHub.

Axios reports ceasefire deal nearly complete.

I coulda swore that the NHL did a big youth hockey promo a few years back for "anyone can play", but searching the internet now I can find no evidence of this. Does anybody else remember such a thing, or is this just a byproduct of my head still being full of snot and cold medicine?

We're starting the cocaine early this year, boys!

I realize I didn't put this in a disclaimer anywhere, but I'll say it now: if you're going to use AI to rewrite my posts back at me, I'm going to mock you relentlessly.

Do you suppose the league put any pressure on the announcers to not mention the more unfortunate parts of Carter Hart?

If you need cheering up, PBS NewsHour just played a supercut of commencement speakers mentioning AI and then getting a chorus of boos.

Also, to the people who wonder why everything has to be a political question, I dunno, why IS "should milk have cowshit in it?" a political question? Of all the rights you're worried about, "I should be allowed to drink the cowshit milkshake!" is the hill you want to literally die on?

you guys i'm starting to think plucking a random guy with a nazi tattoo out of nowhere to barf into the senate may not have been the best idea

This is a great take, but most of you are missing someone obvious: we need a nuanced combination of gravitas and engaging folksiness, someone that was on the highest-rated shows, but most importantly, a guy who hasn't said anything remotely intelligent in decades, the proto-Bill Maher Dennis Miller

"People who are too sick to prove that they are too sick to work are advised to just die already" from a statement by the new US Department of Eugenics.