My daughter wants Pokémon cards for her birthday. How the fuck is everywhere sold out of Pokemon cards?

These motherfuckers

I could be trusted with pyrokinesis

I flicked someone off that doesn’t live here for taking a resident parking space and you’d think I kicked their kid or something. Fuck you you don’t live here move. They’ve not moved despite offering to.

So my daughter is turning 17 in a few weeks and I asked her what she wanted for her birthday figuring it’d be like a car or headphones or something but she wants Pokémon cards. Y’all, Pokémon cards are expensive!

*puts down can of spray paint, steps away from newly striped poodle* who doesn’t like zoodles?

No one should be begging for money for fucking hospice care, let them die with some damn dignity

The guy next to me has on 2 hats. Just a hat on a hat.

Reports that the whopper has been improved have been vastly overstated. Still tastes like a microwaved shoe.

It’s happening again

Can't stop singing this to the theme of the Muppet Show

Ya know what the White House has in common with tight jeans? No ballroom.

Night of the Loving Dead. It’s a porno about interracial zombies fucking.

Dinosaur pants were very popular in the 90s.

Something beeps three times every 45 seconds or so and I can’t figure out what it is. This might drive me insaner.

I’m not gonna take off from work on Friday for the strike I’m just not going to do anything.

I’m not Bishop good at five finger filet but I still have 10 fingers

My piss is chartreuse I should probably get that looked at

If you were as funny as you think you are I wouldn’t have unfollowed you and you probably sell more books. But you’re not so here we are.

I’m not a bot but I have trouble with the letter captchas and I hate the ones where I identify road hazards

Ooo tornado sirens

Sitting at work, applying for other jobs on my phone. As one does.

I would simply suck my eyeballs through my skull if you tried to Clockwork Orange me into watching that Michael Jackson biopic

Fuck all these bush era neocons that have been rehabilitated by msnbc/msnow

Someone in this bar smells like my grandmother’s potpourri

I’ll be the explosives guy on the heist. Fair warning I learned nothing from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Why does everything need to be followed with a survey? You sold me a shitty burger we don’t need to discuss it further.

It’s cloudy here so I doubt I’ll see any lyrid meteors but I might see some lurid things in my neighbor’s window

Your mom will never go down as much as this place. And she tries too.

I don’t typically wish harm upon children but these little fuckers that scream their fucking heads off outside my apartment need to have the transformer they sit on explode on them.

Pretty sure there’s not supposed to be glass in this poke bowl.

Why does a chicken need a reason to cross the road? I thought this was a free country!

Your mom is gonna have to work harder if she’s going to keep up with this site’s rate of going down

Dean Martin never considers the tidal impact of the moon hitting your eye like a big pizza pie. Also, why is he getting hit in the eyes with pizza?

Dave Lombardo should be Taylor Swift’s drummer

Fix one thing, break six more. Fun times at work

There’s a flamethrower for thirty bucks on Amazon. Do I need a flamethrower? Yeah probably. Do I trust a $30 one from Amazon? No, no I do not.

Fuck you im not tipping when i pick up carry out.

I just want to swim out past the breakers and watch the world die.

I’ve lost the use of my left arm. There’s a dog on it.

Nothing like having the dog piss all over you when you pick her up at the vet.

Ladies Love Bean

Ok so fuck Eric Swalwell he’s a piece of shit

Some asshole didn’t secure their fucking mattress to their idiot fucking truck and that shit blew out and tore the mirror off my fucking car.

Lady I already blocked you on instagram and Facebook I don’t think I’m adding you to my LinkedIn network now

Still thinking about that guy that tastes the ground in The Last Jedi

I could pilot a ship through the Strait of Hormuz in less than 12 parsecs

At least the two week cease fire is up before rent is due.

extremely selfishly so, I want these maga fuckers removed from power because I am a trans woman and these people want to kill everyone who is like me and I don’t wanna fucking die okay

Euphoria has been on so long I was worried about my daughter going to high school. Now she’s almost done and has never done so much work on her eye makeup. So that’s good I guess.