It rules being American. I can say things like ‘fuck Belgium that’s not a real country give it to France’ or ‘I’m sorry what language do they speak in Austria again? Oh German? Not a real country’. Fuck that whole continent I have zero respect for any of those tiny pathetic countries.

Not to be a downer on Christmas Eve but what in the fuck is Amazon one medical

I think why I like Shaq so much is yeah he’s a rich guy, but he’s also just out there havin a good time. Hes not like magic Johnson turning his money into owning every Starbucks on the west coast and buying the dodgers. Hes just a good time hang out guy. Money is fake who cares

Hell yeah brother

Listen I’m not some woke warrior or whatever, but if we’re all being honest with ourselves, these trans girls got some nice ass titties.

That movie with Val Kilmer and lions fucking ruled. What a fucking stupid movie. Like that has ever happened, just a stupid guys idea of what Africa is like.

Man the muppet Christmas carol just hits hard every year. Pigs and frogs having babies. The cripple frog dies. Makes me cry every time.

Really big yp, not even close to a mp.

I took the day off today and someone texted me from work that a garbage truck we were gonna work on caught fire in the parking lot and it sounds like a really great day to not be there. Big man upstairs every once in awhile seems to just have my back.

Fucking December in Texas. Fuck this fuck a green Christmas fuck these retards who continue to say climate change isn’t real fuck all of it fuck everything from now until forever

I’m not some fancy chef, I’m not cooking gourmet meals. I’ve taught my kids, who are almost grown now, you got a protein you got some vegetables it’s all good. Cooking is a chore fuck spending time in the kitchen if you don’t enjoy it just go easy mode and get the essentials in

You know I’m not normally a guy who’s like ‘we should nuke x place’ but Riyadh is really testing me on this. Outside of Washington DC, if we’re all being honest,

I’m not a deadhead but I do really enjoy the Grateful Dead. I fucking hate so much that John Mayer gets to jam with those guys. The fucking shithead who built a career off of making 14 year old girls horny for him and then making atrocious blues guitar albums gets to hang with the Grateful Dead

starting a support group for all the women who have survived a lecture from a man about the band Tool

So mad I’m old enough to believe in the American dream but still young enough to realize this whole thing is held up with popsicle sticks and Elmer’s glue. What a fucking cursed existence to own a home in America and still have to look down the barrel of the gun and know it means nothing.

People say Babe Ruth is the greatest player of all time. He smoked and drank every day and still went out there. If you played before black guys were allowed to all your records mean nothing fuck you. You were great in the time period but fuck off if you think you’re better than Hank Aaron

Frotting on a Sunday as god intended

I want this to be on record. There’s no such thing as fake tits. You either have naturals or bolt ons. They’re all real to me. Fake tits are in your imagination and you’re probably an anime nerd touch a natural or bolt on tittie brother. If you can put it in your mouth it’s real.

It’s so fucking funny to me I just watched a two hour tribute to John Cena. His last match. The guy who’s white pretending to be black became the biggest name in wrestling. Wrestling is so fucking stupid why do I even watch this

Yellow starburst are the best, yellow skittles are the best, lemonheads are the best candies

The older I get I just feel like betting should be illegal. I love sports so much but betting sucks dick. Fuck gambling from now until forever

My 18 year old daughter and her smelly ass boyfriend do this thing I didn’t know was possible on iPhone where your partner just knows where you are all the time. It’s fucking weird. I don’t like it. I told her to turn that shit off or pay for her own phone.

I mean this is cool but the actual way is violence if we’re being completely honest. Just do violence and get a bunch of people to do violence with you at the same time so no one gets in trouble and it just kind of works itself out at that point. Historically speaking.

I get followed by so many ai accounts for some reason. I’m not gonna say everyone associated with ai should kill themselves, that would be immoral. However, I’m also not going to say they should not kill themselves. I’m Switzerland on ai freaks killing themselves.

You can eat thanksgiving leftovers for as many days after thanksgiving as you want. You just have to find the courage to do it

Man I read that fucking idiot at OU’s essay and goddamn she really is just so fucking stupid how the fuck did she even get into college

Why do all the eggs say grade A at the grocery store. Is grade B like off color or oddly shaped. I’ll pay less for eggs if they taste the same I don’t give a fuck I want cheaper eggs

I don’t know what Louis CK did this time and I don’t care because he’s never been funny

I always had a soft spot for Paula Deen because my grandmother is way more racist and I still love her

It fucking sucks dick that one of my coworkers is probably gonna get force retired at the end of this month because how my company measures productivity is how much money you make them. Never mind he’s been doing it for 35 years and helps anyone who asks him all day long no questions asked

I hate how friends or how I met your mother are so New York centric. You think I’ve ever had to worry about an umbrella because I have to walk in the rain? No, suck my dick. There’s not even sidewalks where I live eat my ass. There’s 30 million people who worry about this and no one else does.

I’m not against mutual aid or whatever I’m just fucking mad the term actually exists, just at the very core of my being it’s like why do people need to ask for help with shelter or food

I am now utilizing the turkey emojis with 4 days to go. Can one of you dm me the day after thanksgiving and remind me to do Christmas trees or something I had jackolanterns still as of 2 minutes ago

My most old man opinion is that if the toothpaste tastes like shit it’s doing its job and that’s why I have always used arm and hammer with peroxide and brown listerine after

Turned 38 today and I got some pretty awesome presents from my coworkers

bear pregnancy

Man as a dad to all daughters I listen to way too much Sabrina carpenter and chappel roan

I’m so old I remember the dumbest shitheads you know getting mad about common core math

All right we’re just not getting these, whatever ‘files’ we get are just absolute bullshit. The fuckin president isn’t going to be like sorry guys, I’m a fucking pedophile, here’s some evidence

There’s a real one out there who I’m not gonna name who just sends me pictures of her titties and that’s really cool and makes my day better

Man I just saw some video on tik tok of this black lady making fried chicken with a side of spaghetti and damn I never would have thought about it but that does sound good as hell

It fucking rules cash Patel is so fucking bad at his job. He’s got some some fucking girlfriend who’s 25 and a country singer and he takes an fbi private jet to go see her perform? And I’m supposed to mad? No, let’s get someone even worse than this shithead to lead the fbi let’s make it real bad.

vietnam vets should pay triple because they're losers

It’s fuckin crazy my kids have the attention span to still care about stranger things the last season came out like 4 years ago and I just don’t give a fuck anymore

Got a McRib and terminator 2 is back on Netflix just a real dub all the way around for me today

Free use office girlie who's trying to give a presentation to the board but people keep putting their dicks in her mouth.

I for one am taking the most controversial position that both tennis and pickle ball are gay and should not exist.

I dunno what everyone was expecting expecting out of Chuck Schumer he’s always been a useless old bitch, made an entire career out of it. This is how this was always going to end because he always will suck the most amount of shit a human being possibly can.

Hit da fuckin bricks you shrekish fuckin slob literally no one likes you

I know killing the planet is bad and that’s why everyone should hate oil companies but I’m an extremely petty man and I hate them because I have to get bitten by mosquitos in November now