Opened up my thicctionary this morning and they had a picture of you on every page

Why is the world bad I just want to go to work, pay my bills, not think about anything. I’m a working man why is my government starting shit with Iran just leave them alone I don’t care what they do bitch ass government can’t do anything but start wars

My daughters are making me watch coraline because they’re obsessed with this movie and it’s fucking stupid I hate it

I’m just saying, were I a rich shithead doing crimes against humanity, you’d never catch my ass testifying in front of the senate. I’d be like no I’m actually good I don’t really feel like doing that. What are they going to do to me if I just don’t go

My daughter was just in her 4th car accident in 3 years. Fender bender in a parking lot. I swear to god this kid is the reason I have hypertension.

I don’t lock my door at night. Why should I who cares come fight me bitch

Why is it 71 degrees outside, I have my ac set to 76, and somehow my ac turns on. Do I live in a microwave oven what’s going on

I’ve gone from 320 lbs to 234lbs as of yesterday and I’m giving everyone a pass to call ice agents the fattest pieces of shit imaginable. Just fucking tub of fucking lards who couldn’t can’t catch a Mexican immigrant if their lives depended on it because they’re so fucking fat.

I’m so tired of watching jelly roll pretend to wrestle ill kill that fat piece of shit I refuse to let you turn into millenial kid rock you deserve a better future brother

All right boys. About to try the big arch. RIP my intestines but I’m gonna do it

I think we should nuke England just for having mushy peas. Why can’t you not smash them and just season them and eat peas. You absolute fucking perverts

I took the day off work tomorrow I’m gonna figure this out I’m gonna engineer something that will never fail again

Being a suburban white dad means my damn wife has so many clothes the wire rack in our closet collapsed and I’m trying to figure out a way to engineer this thing so it doesn’t happen again

What’s my work gonna say when I’m like ‘gas is too high, can’t afford to drive to work today’. Really makes you think

I’ve never known what Saxon Musk looked like before today and I want to go back to not knowing what this shithead looks like

Look at my dog man I’m never beating the secretly gay with my best friend allegations from my wife

I swear to god old white people will buy anything as long as it’s also old and functionally useless

I am once again watching a Harry Potter movie because my girls love them but all I think about is how bad is wizard Hitler at his job. He has like one goal and it’s some fascists ideal and he sucks so much shit at it some fucking teenagers are able to stop him

Real ones remember 2016 when the music video for kiss it better by Rihanna came out. Just a great pair of titties and they were pierced at the time and we got to see them and that was an instant ‘nice’ from me.

It rules that everyone in America knows what the strait of Hormuz is now and knows that every president for the last 50 years has basically been told ‘don’t fuck with Iran this tiny sliver of land they can control can fuck up the economy’ and pedophile Hitler just went and did it anyway

Adding Germany to my growing list of European countries that have fake languages that need to be annihilated

I had to shoot my own cat to put it out of its misery of failing kidneys and I’m still mad at some of you motherfuckers. Just hateful people who could never understand. What it’s like have a cat who hates the vet and people in general. He died in the sun feeling warm like he was meant to be.

@tittysommelier.bsky.social I immediately thought of you when a friend posted this in a group chat LOL

I shaved my head and my kids keep coming up to me while I’m trying to watch wrestling and palming my head and saying ‘Michael Jordan’. Always finding new and creative way of being annoying

Man I don’t know even like cats but I’m gonna put a cat down today or tomorrow. Even though he’s a real old hateful piece of shit it makes me sad on a fundamental level. If I didn’t adopt this asshole someone would have shot it.

Every time I see a guy on a motorcycle splitting lanes here in Texas I’m not one of those guys who gets mad about it. Jesus take the wheel situation because if you wreck because some guy wants to be an asshole and purposely make you spill in this state the law is on his side not yours.

I started taking thc gummies and it makes me want alcohol way less and I’m in a better mood the next day thinking these weed nerds are onto something

Wife is getting on to me because I’ve called our new dog ‘Puppy Hitler’ so much she’s starting to respond to it like it’s her name, and I got to name her when we got her and her actual name is Booger. If the damn dog doesn’t want to be known as Puppy Hitler, she can stop chewing all my damn socks.

Me and my new tard are hanging out, just having a good time

I go to work every day so my family has a home and food and the ability to survive. The real reason I go to work is so some fucking assholes have the tax money to blow up an elementary school in Tehran. Or Baghdad. Or Kabul. Choose somewhere I’ve worked 30 plus years and that’s all I’m funding

this is still the realest thing ever said about america

My damn wife is an insane woman so now I have a 4th dog to just raise my blood pressure for no reason

It’s crazy I’ve got a coworker who takes ozempic for his diabetes and sometimes he just doesn’t have the medicine. Like too many people bought it because they want to be skinnier and my coworker just has to be like ‘not happening this week, gonna gamble with my health and go without’.

I think everyone associated with AI should kill themselves but I’m a fucking simpleton what do I know

My daughters have gotten really into Glee and honestly this might be the worst fuckin show I’ve seen in my life

Hitler did a couple of paintings or whatever I guess but we should have thrown those on top of the pile of burning bodies of anyone who ever supported or said a nice thing about him and that’s where I’ll forever be on separating the art from the artist

My kids get so mad at me when I say ‘we’re gonna take the B out of LGBTQ because they’re stealing gay valor’ and honestly I might keep this up until the day I die

Woke up mad because even though it would take no effort and be the easiest political layup in history, the pedophiles and rapists who rule this country just love fucking with our clocks I guess

All right boys. Saturday is a work day now because life sucks dick and fuck spending time with my family, someone has to make money at my expense. It’s shower beer Friday time

I think the thing that makes me most mad about America is I sweat my fuckin nuts off every day at work and when I’m trying to wind down and watch something random on YouTube it’s some guy who’s like ‘I’m in agony: I spent an entire day eating nothing but food from a dying mall’ bitch I’ll kill you

Just got my account back after being banned for the last few hours. Couldn’t log in for some reason. I just wanted to post ‘it sucks dick being ruled by pedophile Hitler but it’s really cool the ayatollah is killing a bunch of rich British expats in Dubai’ but I guess it’s illegal to say this now

Man about 3 times a year I just crank out a banger and I guess this was one for 2024. Really proud of this one

Me and the boys went to a Mexican food place for lunch today and we were following the hostess to our table and there were these hot lesbians 2 or 3 margaritas deep making out and I just instinctually said ‘Nice’ out loud as we passed them and they started laughing and looked embarrassed.

Today was fuckin rough at work my feet are killing me. You know what time it is boys. Shower beer

I beat the new donkey Kong game on switch 2 this weekend and I know I’m late to this party but damn do I love playing as a monkey who can turn into a zebra, a snake, a condor, and an even bigger monkey. What a magical game.

It sucks so much dick that the scrub daddy is actually a better sponge and not some tik tok gimmick my kids fell for. Now I have to buy $5 dish sponges until I die

How does fish not count as a meat if you’re Catholic can someone explain this to me

Girl with the fattest titties you ever seen eating a gas station hot dog with mustard and jalapeños on it and washing it down with a cherry slush Alani.