Coming February 10, my latest book, DEATH WISH! Just about everybody who knew Hank wished he was dead

I just got back from the center of the universe. Turns out, you weren't there after all. #seenonateeshirt

Education is important but coffee is importanter #seenonateeshirt

There are people who would love to have your bad days. #seenonateeshirt

Looking forward to seeing old friends and meeting new writers at the Roanoke Regional Writers Conference January 16-17 at Hollins University.

If you can't remember my name, just say 'books' and I'll turn around. #seenonateeshirt

Fully depreciated--still in use #seenonateeshirt

Here I am--what are your other two wishes? #Seenonateeshirt

Everyday hundreds of bottles of wine gather dust on shop shelves. Act now. Adopt a rescue wine. #seenonateeshirt

I wasn't planning on going for a run today. But those cops came out of nowhere. #seenonateeshirt

SAFETY FIRST Just kidding. Coffee first. Safety is like third or fourth. #seenonateeshirt

"If you live according to nature you will never be poor; if you live according to opinions, you will never be rich." Seneca #seenonateeshirt

I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then the voice in my head says, 'Haha. Good one.' and we laugh and laugh and take a nap. #seenonateeshirt

If you spell 'nothing" backwards, it becomes 'gnihton' which also means nothing. #seenonateeshrt

BEAR ATTACK TIP: If attacked, play dead. It will be good practice when you die a little later. #seenonateeshirt

I don't want a new year. I want a gently used year like 2013 or 1995. #seenonateeshirt #happynewyear

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't #seenonateeshirt

Apparently, I'm still not old enough to know better. #seenonateeshirt

Don't let your rituals become ruts. #seenonateeshirt

Things I did not do: Start the Fire, Shoot the Deputy #seenonateeshirt

Until they invented the other side of Velcro, it never really caught on. #seenonateeshirt

Absolutely 💯 True......

The heart of Christmas isn't wrapped in ribbons and bows, it's felt in the love that fills the room. #seenonateeshirt #MerryChristmas

Wishing you a holiday full of fun, food, and just enough family drama to keep it interesting! #seenonateeshirt

For anyone else who's getting coal for Christmas, maybe we can hook up and get the grill going or something. #seenonateeshirt

Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a thin body--don't mix it up like you did last year. #seenonateeshirt

Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back. #seenonateeshirt

Christmas: the one time of year when you can't avoid the nuts in your family #seenonateeshirt

When someone asks 'Where is your Christmas Spirit?' is it wrong to point to the liqour cabinet #seenonateeshirt

Send a heartgfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family and an extra child no one knows and your family will all be speaking to each other again. #seenonateeshirt

Keeping Christmas presents secret is painful #seenonateeshirt

Just before Christmas, shout "Don't come in here" and people will assume that you are wrapping gifts instead of wanting to be left alone. #Seenonateeshirt

Feverishly working on this

Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already? #seenonateeshirt

Unpacked the nativity scene yesterday. Removed all the Jews, Arabs and foreigners. Ended up with a jackass and a handful of sheep. #seenonateeshirt

The digital edition of WRITTEN IN BLOOD is just 99 cents today on Amazon Kindle and Apple Books.

You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy hot chocolate, and that’s kind of the same thing. #seenonateeshirt

Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks. #seenonateeshirt

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red. #seenonateeshirt

I'm on the naughty list and I regret nothing. #seenonateeshirt

I don’t have an advent calendar so I just open a cupboard door and eat whatever I find. #seenonateeshirt

I stay energized with perpetual anxiety #seenonateeshirt

Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality. #seenonateeshirt

I did not trip. The floor looked sad so I decided to give it a hug. #seenonateeshirt

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done. #seenonateeshirt

Don't test me! I will put you in the trunk and help people look for you. #seenonateeshirt

There is nothing I can't do...except reach the top shelf. #seenonateeshirt

I buy books like I'm immortal #seenonateeshirt