I've had a good day. New mobile phone on its way for free. Phone bill cut by £4/month. Broadband discount extended by a year. Reminder: These salespeople hate their bosses as much as you hate yours and will give you the CEO's car keys if you ask them nicely.

Frankstopher, darling. We can't keep doing this. Don't just say "Phantom" and nothing else.

Look. I'm not saying Kamek was a good guy. I'm just saying that he tried to stop that baby being taken to Yoshi's Island.

If you see this, we IMPLORE you to post a picture from whatever device you're using without explanation

Without downloading new pictures describe your gender. (left.)

All nurses are also bastards. (Took blood out my wrist.)

Almost finished (maybe?) Tears of the Kingdom, so I picked up Metroid Prime 4. I already know this is one of those games that I know I'm going to both adore and detest. As you all know, I'm President-for-Life of the Fuck Big Empty Hubworlds Society. At the same time, it's got a tall biker lady.

Still keeping the faith. It's not too late for Murray to be added to Smash Ultimate.

I know nothing about The Traitors but I'm already sure that your most boring colleague loves it.

My favourite bit in Star Wars is when Captain Spock says "Do a Barrel Roll!"

Thinking about becoming a narcoterrorist just because I think the job title is badass.

Is this Deadlock?

Oh it's Tears of the Kingdom because there three tiers of the map...

If only I was about 6 feet shorter. I want a go on the blood roller coaster.

Here's my 2025 Body Wrapped. Roughly 100 hypos. 2 life-threatening infections. 3 broken bones. 1 bone so broken that it's just fucking gone. 6 nights in hospital A weird pain in my wrist when I wake up. 7 months in chastity. One of those has been (and still is) fun. Otherwise, fuck 2025.

Am I going out for Hogmanay? No. Can I drink this year on the nuclear antibiotics? No? Do I celebrate Hogmanay in any way, any year? No. Will I kick off if I don't get a steak pie? Yes.

See if you're going to scam people and hack their accounts, try using different names each time you come back.

I have the best sister. Your sister is shite.

Grapes change their name depending on how dry they are. There's a tipping point somewhere in the dehydration process that makes them start calling themselves Raisin.

For the however-many-th yeat in a row, the only thing I'm looking forward to on TV this Christmas is @oswreview.bsky.social Truly the Wallace and Gromit (and OOC) of Ireland.

Okay so you know how smelling burning toast is a sign of a stroke? What does smelling coffee mean?

It only just dawned on me how weird it is that we leave our socks out so that Santa can cum in them.

The silly thought that I had an hour ago before I picked up my phone. Please be as amused as you would have if I had skote that.

I know we have a couple of weeks to go, but here's this year's edition of The Graph.

Me and the boys going out tonight for @tronknotts.bsky.social 's birthday.

The theme of the whole show was putting over new talent. The theme of this entire run was that Cena was going against everything he previously stood for. How else could it have ended?

Hey all, I have a weird feeling that things may have got out of hand at some point. 200 days in chastity... It started as five.

Charles Dickens was the original shitposter. Dude literally made A Muppet Christmas Carol without the Muppets.

I heard Deadly Premonition 2 runs way better on Switch 2, so I guess it's only massively disappointing in 299 different ways now.

What the fuck these cowboys are riding entirely the wrong animal.

Are there animals in the world of Pokemon? Like are there confused kids running around chucking balls at a cow wondering why they're not catching it?

Forget about Whamageddon. This year I'm playing Never Permanent. The rule: Go all month without playing 'December' by Neck Deep and thinking about her.

"I haven't cum for six months, because that would be too long." - Mitch Hedberg. #chastity

Wow I sure am calling a lot of videogame characters Isla lately. Sure that's nothing to unpack.

I'm got born 36 years ago.

After years of keeping a document of band names, it ended up being the simplest one that made me think "fuck, I need to do this one." Hello, we are Eightskin!

I don't know a football from a hole in the wall, but one of those goals hit the Danish guy in the face on the way in, so I'm pretty sure Scotland should have been disqualified.

Nobody warned me that going for a hot shower when it's -2° also meant getting out of the shower when it's -2°. I may be entitled to compensation.

Family are asking me what I want for my birthday next week and I can't think of a single thing other than Giant Baba fan. I love Giant Baba, me.

A thoroughly disappointing amount of snow overnight. I demand about 8-10 inches of #penisnow At least the hills look nice.

Hoping to get blasted by the #penisnow

Link in bio.

This internet thing, right? There's a bunch of really pretty people on there, and they, like, put photos of themselves up on it. And you can look at those photos. On the internet. I'm all for it, myself.

Fun fact. If you're writing a book on wrestling history that's nothing to do with the 1990s, you don't actually have to put in a whole chapter on the Montreal Screwjob.

Grim Reaper's been playing an absolute blinder recently.

You tune to drop C# because you want to sound badass. I tune to drop C# because I'm getting old and can't hit the high notes anymore. We are not the same.

Tonight, I am mostly playing nu metal riffs with a slide because it makes me laugh.