I think I need to go find a mosh pit and get the shit kicked out of me so I can process some of the emotions I'm feeling. I tried therapy and exercise and drugs, and mosh pits in your 40's hurt a lot worse, but I don't know any other way to feel better about stuff.

If life hands you lemons, that's weird. Life isn't like a physical thing with hands. Are you feeling okay? Do you see life in the room with us right now?

Son of a gun! Gonna try really hard to ignore the deep emotional wounds therapy is unable to assuage and have some fun on the bayou.

In the second movie, Shredder chose to have his secret base in a warehouse that shares a wall with a concert venue where Vanilla Ice would be playing, knowing that the final showdown with the turtles might be at around the same time.

Gay Dad was an alright band. Remember Gay Dad?

Your band sucks so bad you don't practice. You malpractice.

"any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you now. We will never be here again." Homer (The Iliad) 💛 🌼 🌱 🎵 🍃 🌿 (Photo by Kirpal )

If 'Please clap.' was a person it would be me when I try to talk to women.

I'm kind of like Raphael if Raphael really wanted to be Donatello.

I want to be the guy who just chants 'shout' over and over for 5 minutes while The Isley Brothers are absolutely going bananas giving the most impressively enthusiastic musical performance possible.

Me as a kid: Mom! None of the other kids want to be my friend and I don't know why! Also me as a kid: Hey there fellas, I noticed your dodgeball game doesn't have anyone standing in the middle trying to talk to you about Quetzalcoatlus. Don't worry! I'm here to help!

I want to create a humorous sentence that is something like 'My foriegn athiest nieghbor seems to think e can go before i.' but I feel like I could include a lot more words. The only other ones I can think of offhand are leisure and weigh, and I haven't figured out how to work those in quite yet.

A+ State of the Union counterprogramming by TCM.

YouTube keeps recommending school board meetings in jerkwater towns I've never heard of that have like 12 views and I just keep watching them just to confuse the algorithm.

My ESL students are learning to sing The Wheels on the Bus. Our new vocab includes 'Round and round' and 'Through.' I basically had the Ratt song Round and Round stuck in my head while I made the lesson, is what I'm saying.

Imagine what it was like when Collective Soul was starting out and they had to sing 'Are we listening?' to a room that was literally ignoring them while talking to their friends.

If you want to be the world's greatest prankster, get a job converting film to blu-ray, and when you convert the movie Ray, make Ray's skin blue.

I have been wondering: is there an NRA-like organization for dildos? I want to know how much $ they give to politicians.

Hello Fresh is starting a new service called Goodbye Fresh where you poop in the box and mail it back to them.

It's sad how a plucky group of grass roots activists can get the US government to do something like ending pasteurization of milk, but can't get it to do something like respecting the rights and dignity of humans.

Can you imagine how easy life would be for Rowling right now if she just admitted she was wrong in 2018? Accepting one's mistakes is good for you and for the people around you.

When you take guitar lessons when do they teach you not to put moisturizer on your hands right before you start playing?

Psych! I couldn't figure out how to do fb so I sent it to Wordpress.

Long story short, this Valentine's Day I've been on the road. Trying to do 100 hates 300 characters at a time was taking forever. I am going to do it on Facebook. Apologies to my own contempt for tech oligarchy's (which incidentally is one of my hates.).

Still looking for the perfect Valentine's Day gift? Go to the toy store and get her a nerf gun. She'll hate it, so she'll use it to shoot you, which will cause her to love it. You're welcome.

The Criterion Collection has inspired me about as much as any company ever has.

When I was a kid I thought I'd be a famous paleontologist discover a new genus of pterosaur, own a Super Nintendo, have my own swimming pool, and invite all my friends and we would all drink all the soda we wanted.

Y'know how people like to joke about how serving sizes are unrealistically small? I want to start a food company and go in the opposite direction. Bay leaves: serving size is 17 entire-ass leaves

Can we just forget all the things I said when I was drunk and like 93% of the things I said when I was sober?

It's annoying how 'Just be yourself.' and 'Be confident.' are the two most common pieces of dating advice you'll hear, as if those aren't in direct contradiction to one another for billions of people.

Do you ever see a couple and think 'I wish everyone had what you two have, but holy hell you are dorks.'?

Hey BlueSky: It has come to my attention some of you have had sex. If this is the case, please delete me as a friend promptly as I do not care to associate with perverts.

It's weird how the plural of P.O.W. is P.O.W.s and not P.sO.W. I'm not going to try to change it though. I've learned that in life you gotta pick your battles.

Why do we always arrange beds with our pillows next to the wall. I've never wondered that but now I do.

wish they made a GTA based on Richard Scarey's Busy Town and you could steal cars shaped like shoes and shit.

It's funny how when people don't buy a new phone every six months it's framed as kids these days ruining the economy and, like, if by economy you mean making billionaires into trillionaires, sure.

If you're a film reviewer and you really want to dig into Quentin Tarantino you could say 'Gee Quentin, I didn't see a sign in front of your house that said "Crummy director storage."'

I'm pretty sure the only reason they did Cocoon 2 was because they wanted to have Jack Gilford's bird impersonations in a movie and frankly I agree with them.

The year is 2030. I am desperately pounding at your door at 11:30 pm because my credit card got replaced and I forgot to update it on my Potti App and now my subscription to Basic Toilet has been cancelled.

read online that someone set-up a premium rate phone number where callers get charged $3.99/ min. then they posted flyers in their neighborhood that said "call this number to report illegal aliens," but the number just puts them on hold with music. so far, they've made $17,000

'I'm hungry, but I'm not sure I want a whole bag of microwave popcorn.' - me, three bags of popcorn ago

Some days I think the only thing I have going for myself is my rockin' bod.

Adult film actor, homicide detective, gynecologist, bartender... There are just so many people out there who hate Take Your Daughter To Work Day.

I want to have a creative accountability partner. This is someone who can wants to tell me about what they are working on and I will tell them about what I am working on

Before about 2022 I wouldn't know who Joe Rogan is if Trevor Valle didn't go on his show to debunk 'dinosaurs aren't real' arguments.

Remember that scene in Red Dawn when the guy has the bumper sticker that says 'You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hand.' and then the Soviet troop pries the pistol out of a guy's cold dead hand?

The Spanish language version of Frog and Toad Together is named Sapo y Sepo Inseparables, and I don't know why but I find that very cute to say.

Dear Ann Landers, I often find myself with obligations to get out of bed, but it's a bit chilly. Sincerely, Milksop

Me: Why is my life such a mess? What could I do to improve it. Also me: I should listen to this 5 hour compilation of fart sounds while I sleep. That's a funny idea.

I'm no rock n' roll fun.