Me for the last 8 years:

Feel like punching my man in the stomach bc he bothered me today telling me he’d only be gone for one day but is staying the night (repeat issue) Posting this picture of us in our thanksgiving sweatshirts that I made for us as a fun crafty project instead Author’s Note: violence is bad, don’t hit

Pupdate: I’ve been pinned under him for over an hour and I’m going to piss my legs bc he laid down so nicely and was being so well behaved but he NEVER does that and in this house we reward good behavior 😮‍💨

feeling like a slutty little hallmark extra in this outfit today

my baby son is getting neutered today and I’m feeling a lot of guilt about it bc i feel like if I woke up without balls I’d also have a lot of strong feelings about it :// here’s his grad photo tho Readers added Context: my baby son is a puppy dog and not a human if that was unclear

OMG maybe I’m late to this but we have drafts now??? That’s cunt 🤩

stills from my marginally successful impromptu shopping trip today note: the sierra dressing room did see a lot more of me, inquire within ;)

The search begins for:

Bedroom humidifier don’t sound like my baby dog throwing up at 5a when my baby dog threw up at 4:30a challenge 👀😮‍💨

LUV this for you, I’ve actually decided that I’m extra mad at people that I used to be mad at, resulting in grudges and hostility 🙂‍↕️💙 range is everything to me

About to be the sexiest man alive (inquired about a planet fitness membership) 🙂‍↕️💙

Throwing out every single thing I own in the next 30 days so if you’re interested in possessions lmk!!

Needing to wash my hair just made me miss out on a sexy man coming to my apartment… brb shaving my head and also wishing I was never born

THIS.

This is my DREAM 😭

I have a complex relationship with the Following tab here bc all my favorite girlies are there (win) but girlies are real people who don’t post all the time bc they live lives (win) but then sometimes I see all of the most recent posts and I get repeat posts (L). Maybe I need a life to live 🥴

Need an invite to a gay Halloween party so that I can be Michelangelo’s David and just be naked on display 😮‍💨

if he wants to fuck tonight he is gonna have to ride it because i am the sleepiest guy™ ✨😴✨

Being a puppy parent is being more viciously ill than you have in a long time and understanding that your baby dog is with 1000% certainty will repeatedly climb onto you just to jump as hard as he can off of your stomach when all you want is rest…

Direct quote from my man today: “How do I make buttered noodles? Do I just add butter to noodles??” 🤠🫩

My Caucasian partner (love him dearly) asked me if I would like Pizza Hut for dinner today and I said yes before taking a nap. I woke up to a “food truck tamale pie” for dinner 🫩 god is dead, an act of war has been committed. I don’t know what I did to deserve this 😪

Dismantling the relationship between being the most competent and capable person in my office and taking on the most work and responsibility in my office 🤭 my impact was felt for a full year and I pinky swear yall will never feel it again ✨

Not arguing with an uncut man, whatever you say Chinese finger trap

just found some nudes that I took a long time ago, specifically on January 6th of 2021 😋 clearly I had much more important things happening on that day than some others

Where do yall buy your slutty business casual?? Tryna up my game this year as the hottest bitch in the office since I will not be working at my job anymore 🤭

Pupdate: gratitude is very much lost on this one, who decided to completely unravel my yarn ball and is now refusing to release the string

I made not one but TWO dog toys for my baby today and he really enjoys both of them and that feels like a major slay for me 🤭💙 #dogdad #dogsky

sometimes I really think about the fact that 2020 hit and I could’ve been naked on the internet and made so much money but instead I chose to work in a field where I am always working with ungrateful idiots and I get paid like ass 🥲

Fatherhood has continuously left me in disarray 🫠

H8 to be the bad news bear, but I stretched this morning for like 30-40 minutes… My ascension begins

also I freakin sewed a pair of shorts as a gift for my sister’s birthday this week and when I finished them they looked like shorts and the threads weren’t hanging out and they generally looked pretty nice (despite being tossed together)??? anyway I think that was really sexy of me 🤭💙

Brennan Lee mulligan is my miss Rachel

Yall I stretched for the first time in actual years a few days ago and I think I accidentally released huge amounts of pent up stress anger and frustration that I was holding in my hamstrings?? And like that’s kind of a slay in theory but in practice I have been such a terror to be around 👹🤠

new baby flicks just dropped 🔥💥 #dog #dogdaddy

i choose to believe that my lil skeets have range af bc even tho i average at about 1 like per post, it’s always a new person liking it 🙂‍↕️💙😹

lover thought he was big brained because he got our pizza boxes to fit in the fridge last night … woke up this morning to find that the fridge door popped open bc of aforementioned boxes and now nothing in our fridge is cold 🫠 #livingwithamanisacurse

I’ve started saying/signing “clock it, lock it, put it in your pocket” when someone says something even minutely pleasing to me and that makes life 50x more enjoyable

someone FaceTime me for accountability so I can operate at normal human capacity and accomplish literally anything #adhd #gaydhd

sometimes I wish I suffered more from the gay community pressure to be ripped and fit bc I would love to be a gym girlie but I have no external motivation to do so bc I think I’m one of the hottest men I’ve ever seen in real life 🤧 self assurance ain’t all it’s cracked up to be :/

this should be studied

just discovered I can wear this pet car seat as a backpack ao me and the pooch are about to be exploring the whole world

“used to” is the most heartbreaking part of this post 😪🫠

I would like my working hours to be 1p-5p Monday through Thursday who has a job for me ?? I have a lot of skills but I would really like to not use any of them and be paid $50/hr. Thanks so much for hiring me 🙂‍↕️💙🫠

this SERIOUSLY would improve my mental health

Off to Columbo!! The travel bun is slaying down rn so I think it’s gonna be a good trip but presenting at this conference has me trembling 🫠

Off to Columbo!! The travel bun is slaying down rn so I think it’s gonna be a good trip but presenting at this conference has me trembling 🫠

Today every single person at my place of employment wanted me to tweak

If a future iteration of Zootopia comes out and they need another music celebrity animal, I humbly offer: Benson Bone. Please don’t clap 🤭💙

Today I had several irritatingly pointless conversations and the rain that I was forced to walk through soaked through two pairs of shoes, two pairs of socks, and two pairs of pants. This also occurred only in the afternoon of my day so we are not slaying the day 🫠

damn I thought of a hit skeet while I was out with my dog this morning and by the time I made it back inside it was so far gone this is terrible news