I believe that's Epstein affiliate Brock Pierce in the hat. Very funny to be named in the Epstein files - inviting ole Jeff to party on the boat with a bunch of women you've procured - and not change your signature look

This is how every other country imagines life in America

That new episode of the Bear sucked shit!

The next big thing in American film will be clean sex comedies produced for Mormon and evangelical audiences. All the raucous fun without any swearing or immoral behavior

What idiot named it "X-ray" when "bone-ograph" was right there

One of the things that makes Spinal Tap and A Mighty Wind work is that a band that kind of sucks is more interesting and believable than a band that's amazing. Most writers write stories about bands that are bigger than Zeppelin but a Foghat-tier band can go in so many directions

While the name "casserole" sounds exotic and daring, it simply refers to a dish where all ingredients are baked together! Keep an eye out for this foreign food that's quickly becoming an American favorite.

The phrase "Bikelane Pothole" is stuck in my head

An apple a day may not actually keep the doctor away, but they're still a great snack! Whole, sliced, or baked into a sweet treat, you can't go wrong!

Bacon: not just for breakfast anymore? The popular cured meat is showing up on lunchtime sandwiches hamburgers, and even salad. Where will you see bacon next? The sky's the limit for this porky pleasure!

If you search "hail and well met, traveler" the Google ai will enter a weird half rpg, semi half guidebook hybrid

Frequently seen on the lunch table, word is getting out that the peanut butter and jelly makes for a delicious breakfast

(SpongeBob voice): I'm cumming, I'm cumming, I'm cumming!

I hope he spends the next ten years playing villains. I love you Ethan Hunt but Vincent Collateral and Lex Grossman are not enough

Nancy By Ernie Bushmiller April 9,1955

Obviously the funniest type of college is animal husbandry. Then #2 is dentistry. Clown college is only the third funniest type of college

Me: And isn't it true, Mr. Smith, that on the night in question, you were... you were... fuck, I forgot my question. Damn, I almost had it Judge: that's alright, how about we say your client is innocent and if you remember the question we can come back to it Me: that would be perfect

Bring back simpson fortnite

The vast majority of Americans are birthright citizens. Unless you naturalized or were born abroad to an American parent, you are a citizen because of the 14th Amendment. There is nothing constitutionally distinct about Americans born here to non-Americans. We are all literally equal citizens.

Hallmark rejected my idea for a "I am privy to Your great becoming!" birthday card

Sometimes you see a book in the Little Free Library and know it's gonna be there for a year. The Lee Child and business books won't last a week but we're gonna be stuck with the Orson Scott Card books about women of the Old Testament until someone assumes they're an Ender spin-off

My neurologist wants me to do an overnight EEG so I'm gonna bring my switch and play vampire survivors and see if I can break the thing

Drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper will cure any status effects, but it will not restore your health.

Nice sweater! I just bought the same one AT THE GARBAGE DUMP

Guy at party has YouTube video to show you

Thinking about the title "Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit". For a certain style of movie naming, this is the absolute peak.

NYTimes, as usual, denying Trump any agency. He said Alex Pretti was suspect for carrying a gun. That's why this ICE shooting got more heat than others. Other victims of ICE were also baselessly accused of being dangerous extremists, so that's not the line.

I am carving out a space in my heart where joy still exists in small and large doses. When I post the things that make me happy - that's me acting against the fascists trying to destroy what I love in this country. There has to continue to be joy amidst the sorrow

I'm going to start a thread of small nice things that happen to me

Having house guests while you've got a baby is so funny. I'm constantly furious at them for talking too loud, leaving anything on the floor, and for breaking all the very delicate, opaque systems we have in place. "Do not put your dish in the gray basin! Your dish goes in the taupe basin!"

Surely someone did "Trump talks about his close personal friend, The Grinch", right? Like probably 5 years ago

In 2013 software teams had a 47 step process to release software and the first step was "pick a name for the release. It should be the name of a specific Jawa from the Star Wars expanded universe. Do not reuse names. Have fun with it!"

Yes, I am cooking for my son and his wife. It's his thirtieth birthday

What idiot called him Chris Gaines and not Darth Brooks

Who put a Kinect in the little free library? Show yourself

No offense, but I don't have anything else to say to you. Don't want to get into any more trouble than I already am. You'd better go.

After a seizure I enter a cooldown where I am extra susceptible to power attacks

Thinking about the Harrison Ford cameo in Rise of Skywalker and wishing it had instead been Ewan McGregor telling Kylo that he sucks and he's the source of his own unhappiness and he'll get to meet Anakin when he stops worshipping Vader

I know this is humbug of me, but "Do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?" is truly insipid dialogue

My brother in law is the product manager for duo mobile. I asked if he'd seen the viral post about him. He hadn't, and thought this was very funny. "There's actually a good reason we do this" he started to say

Happy Big Bag of Cash Wednesday! Celebrate by taking a big bag of cash from someone!

Hope everyone has a good Big Bag of Cash Wednesday tomorrow!

I walk into the nursery. My son looks at me and says, very clearly, "fuck face". His first words. My eyes fill with tears.

Reminder that after Cyber Monday comes Giving Tuesday and after Giving Tuesday comes Big Bag of Cash Wednesday

Sometimes I wish there was an Internet where you didn't have to hear from Europeans

What creature drinks coffee in the morning, diet dr pepper in the day, and miller high life at night? -- The Sphinx's New Riddle

Nepobaby Arlo Guthrie

The only upside to that terrible season of the Bear is that the next season could feature Dick Portillo as a villain

The best form of grocery shopping is making a stop at a store for one specific item