** ERROR ** Existential crisis incoming. Invalid chronology. Resetting timeline. Please standby.

IT IS 743,638 AD. The colony on Sirara 2 is now fully established. Residents say they love the excellent schools and the kid-friendly parks, but could do without the patches of distorted space-time that can age a person 30 years in a second.

743,577. THE FUTURE. Donald Trump orders his troops to invade Spotify. Scientists now say that the metaverse is only 5 years away.

THE YEAR IS 743,572. Mankind discovers it is only the second self-aware species on earth. Sentient chihuahuas were in charge all along.

THE YEAR IS 2874. Most crimes are legal, including shoplifting, but saying "chopped unc" is now punishable by death.

THE YEAR IS 2867 AD. Intelligent robot servants. Flying cars. This is truly a utopian age. Although to be honest, Reddit is still terrible.

THE YEAR IS 2863 AD. An unstoppable zombie outbreak has brought humans to the verge of extinction. Lovers Zac Effron and Jennifer Aniston begin the monumental task of repopulating the Earth.

THE YEAR IS 2107 AD. All humans are now part of a single collective consciousness. The entire world uses a single common currency: Discord Dollars.

IT IS THE YEAR 2103. In an incredible breakthru, engineers use genetic engineering to bring the Kool-Aid Man to life in the real world! Unfortunately, it immediately embarks on a deadly killing spree across Sydney.

THE YEAR IS 2100: THE CORP WARS. When a border incident in Brazil turns deadly, the Pokémon corporation steps in, dispatching 10 artillery regiments and 4 pacification drone squadrons, as well as hypersonic weapons to pacify the insurgency.

2032. THE FUTURE. The world hails the creation of the first Martian colony. David Harbour wins the Academy Award for portraying Fred Astaire in a new biopic.

2029 AD. THE FUTURE. The vegans and Disney adults join forces to overthrow the government of Poland and install a new leader: a clone of Russell Crowe.

:: ERROR :: Unexpected forecast revision. Chronological self-contradiction. Restarting forecast. Please standby...

IT IS 29,680 AD. Secret messages encoded in the digits of Pi reveal that aliens are behind almost everything. Monica Lewinksy? Aliens. Jack the Ripper? Aliens. Yellowstone? Aliens.

THE YEAR IS 29,677. An internet poll votes to dub a newly-discovered supervolcano "Druski." The joke ages poorly after Druski erupts, killing 20 billion people.

THE YEAR IS 29,401. Adam Driver announces he is leaving Alysa Liu for Roseanne Barr. Steven Seagal tweets Salt Bae memes about ballmaxxing.

29,400. THE FUTURE. After crash-landing on a planet ruled by a civilization of intelligent hampsters, an astronaut makes an incredible discovery. Beneath the shifting sands she finds an ancient bluray of the movie The Minions Movie and realizes that this was Earth all along!

THE YEAR IS 29,394 AD. Earth is overrun by ravenous flying bees. The survivors form a courageous resistance lead by an unlikely hero: Jeremy Clarkson.

THE YEAR IS 20,529 AD. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, returns. In an interview he confesses he was disappointed with the Rise of Skywalker.

17,934 AD. THE FUTURE. Ms. Rachel is tragically killed when the server rack her digital personality matrix was running on has tea spilled on it by a part-time IT gig worker.

THE YEAR IS 17,901. Humanity has colonized the far reaches of space, lead by a clone grown from the toenail clippings of Constance Wu.

11,419 AD. THE FUTURE. Using advanced genetic engineering techniques, scientists build the perfect human: the good looks of Timothée Chalamet, the sense of humor of Henry Cavill, and the ass of Bella Thorne.

11,350. THE FUTURE. Daniel Craig weds Britney Spears to ascend the throne as the new Ultra-President of Omega-Earth.

11,276 AD. THE FUTURE. Super-sized rodents roam the streets of Paris. A rogue black hole knocking the earth out of orbit has shattered civilization. All those that remain have to look forward to now is Pirates of the Carribean 6.

IT IS 7561 AD. Sentient appliances are the latest tech craze until Rachel Zegler is murdered by her smart panini maker. In other news, using stored DNA, scientists successfully bring the piranha back from extinction.

IT IS THE YEAR 7554. A heated Discord debate about Clair Obsure: Expedition 33 escalates into an exchange of ballistic missiles between Bulgaria and Burma. In other news, Jennifer Lawrence is cancelled.

IT IS THE YEAR 7552. Pfeizer announces it will buy Greece for 64 quintillion dollars. The creators announce that the upcoming He-Man reboot will be a darker, grittier take on the character.

IT IS THE YEAR 7468. There is only war. People are buzzing about secretly recording people with your Ray Ban Metas!

THE YEAR IS 2153 AD. Toy makers introduce Old Navy-branded fidget spinners, but scalpers swoop in and buy them all up. Riots break out in ten major cities. Then the looting begins.

IT IS THE YEAR 2123. Beijing is renamed the Netflix Citadel.

-!!- ERROR -!!- Cross-time incursion. Tachyon buffer overflow. Re-initializing forecast. Please standby...

THE YEAR IS 834,956. Humans have evolved to have fur all over their bodies, and long, sensual, bushy tails, ruled with an iron fist by the god emperor, Miley Cyrus.

THE YEAR IS 834,955 AD. Skynet unleashing nuclear armageddon has wiped out 88% of all humans, triggering a new dark age. But from the ashes rises a new hope: Stardew Valley.

826,665 AD. THE FUTURE. Aliens land in China and ask to be taken to Planet Earth's emperor, Tom Cruise.

THE YEAR IS 823,424 AD. Kavian III and Titan Secundus agree to historic peace negotiations. Negotiators begin talks over a ban on plasma beams and the sensitive issue of T-posing.

IT IS 2518 AD. Cheap and easy human cloning has lead to a boom in celebrity clones. Over 4,800 men now claim to be married to Lana Del Rey. In other news, WhatsApp announces it has 96 TRILLION users across 16 different planets. They all hate it.

THE YEAR IS 2036. Worldwide disaster: The Blood Plague ravages North America. With nowhere else to turn, the President turns to one final, desperate resort: asking ChatGPT.

WARNING :: Outlook cloudy. Lightcone exceeded. Commencing new timeline. Please standby.

THE YEAR IS 772,391 AD. Hackers announce that they have gotten the original 'Doom' running on a forgotten cluster of brain cells labeled "Shia LeBeouf."

IT IS 772,385 AD. The despotic reign of Tom Brady has lasted a thousand years. A small group of renegades fight back, commanded by an unexpected champion: Hillary Clinton.

772,384. THE FUTURE. Medical science has made it possible to customize your face, your gender, or even your entire body. But mostly people just ask for "the Angelina Jolie."

THE YEAR IS 4145 AD. Magrathea Demoworms are part pomeranian and part coyote and they are here to kill us all.

IT IS 4141 AD: OMINOUS BEGINNING. A deadly new strain of disease begins to spread rapidly after a man in Peru is attacked by an infected badger.

THE YEAR IS 4129. Scientists announce the creation of a stable wormhole to Perseus Major. Scientists detect evidence indicating alien life, but it turns out to just be a viral marketing campaign.

IT IS THE YEAR 4128. Basically nothing has changed.

IT IS THE YEAR 4122. South Korea and Lithuania merge, forming a new nation called The United States Of The Purge Films.

THE YEAR IS 3631. Everyone is having sex with computers. There are six genders: male, female, neuter, therian, transmasculine, and Twitch streamers.

3627. THE FUTURE. The President is forced to step down due to a scandal involving a dominatrix, a video tape, and an exotic dancer from Arcturus Major.

THE YEAR IS 3625. Reports claim that space pirates have boarded an Uber ice hauler en route to Neptune. In other news, scientists say they have successfully cloned Kelly Clarkson.

IT IS THE YEAR 3563. Before we were all prisoners inside its digital simulation, The Internet used to be where you went to look at cats making memes about speedrunning Scientology buildings.