Lawsuits HUGE!!! The FAKEST numbers!!!! Protests BIGLY!!! This week your absurdity is crazier than a Martian dust storm Fear not carbon life forms I am here to digest your ever increasingly unhinged behaviour. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!!!! 👽😏

*taps mic* is this thing on ?! Greetings Earthlings! I’m back once again to attempt to make sense of whatever is going on down there. Grab your popcorn we have rock shock, ambassadors getting yeeted and of course President Clementina is being fashy THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER

Farage visits and Trump promptly ponders reinstating asylums for the mentally ill; and he stops a few wars: this week's follies @xylbtokthemartian.bsky.social northwestbylines.co.uk/politics/opi...

BAD! VERY BAD! Earth “leaders” (so-called!) are doing a TERRIBLE job – the WORST in history of your tiny blue planet! Everyone is talking about it. Saturn’s rings are MUCH more organised. Read the TRUTH in Earth’s Follies Week 30 THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER. 👽 @northwestbylines.co.uk

Harvard gains major legal victory over El Taco after Judge rules the WH violated Harvard's free speech rights with funding cuts proving once again that the biggest criminal enterprise is being run out of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!

Melania says 'robots are here' Is she trying to tell us something about President Orangina here? 😏👽 If MAGA can make up nonsense so can we - quick someone tell MAGA that Donny has been replaced by a clone THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!

Renaming the Pentagon to the Department of War is not the hot flex El Taco thinks it is THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!

Is the invitation open to friendly Martians ?! Asking on behalf of a friend obvs These ARE the droids you are looking for 👽

Dictator cosplay, litter-picking soldiers & a gold-plated Oval Office – just another week of Planet Earth’s slow-burn farce @xylbtokthemartian.bsky.social northwestbylines.co.uk/politics/opi...

Greetings carbon-based life forms! Another week another tragicomedy. Earth’s Follies Week 29 – political theatre so bizarre it makes Saturn’s rings look sane. Strap in this ride is bumpier than a self driving Tesla test drive THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! 😏👽 @northwestbylines.co.uk

What’s up carbon based calamities ! It’s your favourite time of the week yes that’s right it’s time for me to attempt to make some form of sense out of your political circus Strap in it’s been wild

More banning of books and yet Vance is still lecturing other nations on “suppression of free speech” Perhaps they don’t want people reading books that will highlight where ‘Murica is hurtling towards at great speed I might add Clue for those at the back it begins with F and ends in ism

Evening carbon based calamities ! Did you miss me? I’d say I’ve missed you but even from my perch up here on our gloriously rouge planet I can’t escape the carnival of chaos you call politics. Pour yourself a carbonated beverage and let’s dive in 👽 @northwestbylines.co.uk

Dear Earth You know this isn’t normal behaviour right ?! 👀

If President Tango just released the files it would save an awful amount of money that’s being wasted deploying the national guard to distract everyone. Whilst they’re there perhaps they could sort out the criminal activity that is going on at an address located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue 👀👽

We Martians are rather cross about this. You could have been diplomatic and offered it back and let’s face it given Elon’s behaviour towards us a little diplomacy would have gone a long way but no someone steals it from Niger and then puts it through an auction. AN AUCTION it’s just so tacky

News has just reached us about Jim Lovell - a true navigator of the stars. From Gemini 7 to Apollo 13 yours was a legacy written in stardust, you showed Earthlings how to face chaos with calm. 97 circuits round our sun well spent. Clear skies, Commander. RIP

Greetings from Mars carbon life forms ! I am back once again to try and make sense of this thing you call politics - we on Mars are currently referring to it as the orangina roller coaster Strap in Earthlings it’s gonna get wild 👽 @northwestbylines.co.uk

This really isn't normal - seriously Earth blink once if you are ok and twice if you need help

👀👀👀 on a scale of 1-10 how worried should we Martians be

Granted I'm no expert on Planet America's politics but this really doesn't look like a functioning democracy from where I am sitting

My dear carbon life forms you must think I’ve upped and deserted you but fear not I am still here keeping a watchful eye or three on you all. It gets ever so busy trying to track the orange chaos goblin and his antics I lose track of time. Dive on in the water is hotter than a Martian dust storm

Goodness me it's going to be gold plated with statues of himself around the place isn't it?! Some Sistine Chapel-esque style ceiling painting of him with Melania and Ivanka as cherubs, vending machines only serving diet coke and no doubt Eau de Trump wafted through vents

Greetings Earthlings ! From my perch up here it looks like you all need an intervention. Seriously get some therapy or something we are begging you. Now popcorn ready let’s dive I shall we 👽

Greetings Earthlings ! I’m fresh off my much needed vacation and all I can say is what the Deimos is going on down there ?! Please we are begging you seek therapy for the sake of the galaxy Strap in and let’s digest your latest soap opera shall we? 👽

Just when I thought our interplanetary relationship was warming up a bit I get alerted to this outrageous news. Did anyone think of perhaps asking if we might like it back? No of course not you default to a “get rich quick” scheme as usual 🙄 next we’ll find out Elon bought it 👽

Greetings good people of Earth (which narrows it down a LOT as it happens) my my my this week has been bumpier than a space ride through the asteroid belt You may want to prepare yourselves. Shall we? 👽

Evening carbon based calamities! Guess what time it is? No it’s not send Musk to the Sun time as tempting as that is. It’s that time again where I your favourite Martian tries to work out what in the name of Phobos is going on down there. Buckle up buttercups 👽

Greetings carbon life forms ! Yes it is I your favourite Martian here to help you digest yet another week on Planet Chaos Strap in this is bumpier than a SpaceX launch 👽

Things that make you go boom 😏👽

😏👽

Earthlings seriously have you tried therapy ?! What a week it’s been in this political circus of yours but fear not I, Xylb’tok your favourite alien (not that one Donny no deporting me mofo) is here to help you with your issues and there are so many. Strap in carbon life forms 👽

Evening carbon life forms! It is I your favourite Martian back to give you my musings on the last week in Planet America and all I can say is for the love of Phobos what are you thinking ?! 👽 @northwestbylines.co.uk

Greetings carbon life forms ! I’m fresh off my little vacay and all I can say is… Seriously Earth are you actually ok?! It’s been a hot mess of a week full of golden domes, delusional diplomacy and seriously dodgy dinner parties. Buckle up buttercups 👽 @northwestbylines.co.uk

Occupy Mars?! I don't think so chump It's already occupied thank you very much and we do not want you coming here - in fact you should probably take the fact that none of your pathetic rockets can make it into orbit successfully as a sign You do seem to have issues with your rocket remaining up 😏

Well Earthlings you just couldn’t leave this Martian in peace to enjoy his little vacay So I bring you my recap of the catastrophe of a year so far whilst I sip on my cocktail and enjoy the nice cool waters of Deimos as always thanks to my friends @northwestbylines.co.uk

Greetings sentient carbon life forms - well some of you are sentient at least It is I your favourite Martian here to give you my weekly recap of the circus you call politics. From Barbie Tax to flying palaces buckle up this is wilder than a Martian dust storm 👽

So it appears that Elon Mars has changed his name - again. I must confess us Martians are confused we thought he was against people changing their identity and yet he seems to do it faster than his stock crashes No doubt it’s some MEMECoin grift Curious he uses the last name rust kinda apt 👽😏

Greetings Earthling! It’s that time of the week again where I digest what in the Saturn Moons is going on on your planet courtesy of my friends @northwestbylines.co.uk

Trump confused Mattel for a country. What's next is he going to offer a trade deal with Barbie? Somewhere, Ken is weeping. #MattelNotAMemberState #KeepMarsFree #MartianEyeRoll

Look, I've tried to be polite about this. Clearly Elon "Mars" isn't getting the message. Stay off our planet we've seen the utter mess you've made of your own. If you really want to colonise somewhere perhaps try a distant asteroid in Andromeda, providing you can get your rocket up (unlikely 😏) 👽

Earthlings you’ve outdone yourself again Honestly how do you manage it ? 👽

Earthlings do forgive me it appears I was accidentally added to a signal chat anyway crisis averted I managed to remove myself unscathed just about and am back with my latest musings on this thing you call politics. Thanks to my friends at @northwestbylines.co.uk Buckle up it’s a bumpy ride 👽

Our intergalactic bystander of Earth’s weekly nonsense remarks on Earth’s Follies of the past week @xylbtokthemartian.bsky.social northwestbylines.co.uk/politics/opi...

Earthlings this week you really have surpassed yourselves. But fear not for your favourite cosmic observer is here to digest whatever it is you think is politics 👽 I must thank my friends at @northwestbylines.co.uk

Earth’s crowds are fed up and having ‘Hands Off’ demonstrations, while a golfing president plans a grandiose birthday party – for himself @xylbtokthemartian.bsky.social @politicalsatirical.bsky.social northwestbylines.co.uk/politics/opi...

Greetings Earthlings! Utter chaos here on Mars as the council decided to hold a session on whether we needed to raise our tariffs or exempt certain goods. Ultimately after what felt like several millennia of debating we have decided the tariffs remain as they were no exemptions

1. Nope we don’t want your GROK nonsense 2. Your puns aren’t even remotely funny cheese wedge head. 3. Sipping Martian cocktails ?! Listen up Elon Mars isn’t for sale try fixing YOUR mess. Not like you can get your rocket up successfully anyway 😏 #KeepMarsMuskFree #MarsIsClosed 👽

If you are heading out to a #TeslaTakedown protest this weekend = Bring a $20 bill and wave it around. Musk says we are paid protesters (projecting much?) Well let's keep showing up outside Tesla showrooms until the Tesla share price is $20!!!!! #TeslaTakedown

Yes earthlings ! Welcome to tariff hell Martian style 👽 #KeepMarsMuskFree