Death by Lightning is rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, at no point did anyone even mention lasagna, nor comment on the shittiness of Mondays. Do better, Netflix.

Today I honour the brave men and women who fought and died for my right to make a living in the smut industry, and to publicly assert, free from consequence, that Pierre Poilievre definitely has sex with donkeys.

Poor Dick Cheney. He wanted everyone to hate him the most. And now he's dead, and all the people who used to call him Darth Vader are too busy being starved or deported by some jackass TV host to come dance on his grave.

I just came across this 2021 survey of experts about what post-COVID life would be like by 2025. Prof. @lrainie.bsky.social, how are you not shouting from the rooftops about how EXACTLY right the negative predictions were, and how EXACTLY wrong the positive ones? www.pewresearch.org/internet/202...

The way that Doc Brown pronounces "gigawatts" leads me to believe that he would pronounce "gifs" as "jifs." This completely undermines him as a scientist. Back to the Future is a lie.

I have a theory that only 3% of people who use the word "stochastic" in everyday conversation actually know what it means. Or maybe it's 28%. I dunno, I'm just tossing out numbers here...

Hey now, for all we know, Musk only went to Epstein's island to visit seven or eight of his kids...

I actually totally believe Trump's conspiracy theory that the escalator and the teleprompter were deliberately sabotaged at the UN. Which is hilarious. But sure, call for an immediate investigation into a prank that hurt your feelings, because that's what big strong tough men do, Mr. President.

Sequence of events: 1. Guy shoots at ICE facility, hits 3 detainees, kills self 2. Right condemns "attack on law enforcement" 3. FBI says bullets have "anti-ICE" message 4. Patel tweets photo, location unspecified, with "ANTI-ICE" written in ink, though he says "engraved" Not suspicious at all...

Honestly? I dunno. It was earnest and it was heartfelt. But if it were me, and I had my biggest audience probably ever, I'd have saved the 18-minute, mostly-joke-free Free Speech TED Talk, spent a minute thanking everyone for their support, and then hammered Trump with Epstein stuff for the rest.

There's something very quaint and adorable about the fact that after 40+ years, there are still conservatives and media outlets freaking out about Gwar. The more things change...

Dude, these Turning Point guys are weird. How, exactly, is it a miracle that the fatal bullet didn't come out the other side? Something isn't a miracle just cuz it's kinda freaky. And "another" miracle? What was the first miracle? Your boy's dead, bro.

As long as we're designating compound adjectives that describe a state of being to which some of us are opposed and yet must, on occasion, endure, as nouns that define a person who commits acts for which they could potentially be executed, I would like to designate "pants-wearing" as a war criminal.

I don't often post the stories I report here, because even people IN the adult industry aren't always interested in, say, reading about the legal wrangling that occurs in a Jefferson City courthouse over age verification implementation dates. But this is a fun one: www.xbiz.com/news/292355/...

The reverence that Republican men are displaying for a mediocre hack like Charlie Kirk can honestly only mean one thing: Every single Republican man is gay. Super duper gay.

I never really got the right's Charlie Kirk worship, either before or after last week. He was mediocre. None of his content, or his style, or his delivery, or his brand, was original, clever or funny. And there are original, clever, funny conservatives out there. So why'd they pick this guy?

You can't whine about the gay agenda and Critical Race Theory radicalizing your kids, and then claim that Tyler Robinson is a radicalized liberal because he's rebelling against his conservative upbringing. But you should definitely hire a drag queen to babysit, just in case.

Everything else aside, having your dad narc on you has gotta be a real pain in the neck...

I get it, bro. I too was radicalized into being a commie radical eco terrorist while I was attending a technical community college studying to be an electrician. Those places are hotbeds of subversive philosophical indoctrination. Just ask my instructor, Fat Norm.

So who else came to Amsterdam early?

The step-by-step guide to your progressive punk rock Facebook friend going full MAGA: 🧵

There is no "male loneliness epidemic." There is definitely a "dudes with shitty personalities who can't make friends or get laid because no one wants to be near them" epidemic. Fucking losers.

We need to build some real social stigma around being afraid of cities. You don't have to like them or live there, but a politics built this strongly around watching TV and going "ewww" is embarrassing, and people should be embarrassed by it. It's like "fear of werewolves" being your top issue.

Honestly, Stephen Miller may be the only human being on earth whose wife could credibly claim that banging Elon Musk would be a step up.

WATAA💦

Am I the only one who's bothered that they named the female dire wolf "Khaleesi"? "Sansa" and "Arya" were right fucking there. Don't name wolves after Targaryens. Jeez.

It's a little weird that Beverly named her son with Picard "Jack Crusher." Isn't that basically saying to Wesley, "hey kid, you weren't good enough to be Jack, Jr., but the bastard son who ISN'T Jack, Sr.'s kid is!" Good thing Wesley got deus ex machina'd into cosmos. Poor @wilwheaton.net

The Iceman goeth. RIP.

Strom Thurmond just rolled over in his sheet.

Something I wrote yesterday. Better start thinking up a new term, sex workers of New York. I was thinking "Genital Consultant." www.xbiz.com/news/287961/...

Me in the national security team group chat (iykyk)

Conservatives: Our guy is gonna give us all blowjob robots! Mark Carney: I'm gonna give you all blowjob robots. Conservatives: Hey! That was OUR guy's idea!! You stole it! We only want HIS blowjob robots! How DARE you give us this awesome thing we want! BOOOOO LIBERAL BLOWJOB ROBOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tax Axed. Guess you're gonna have to win on your *ahem* charisma and charm, Mr. Poilievre...

It's like Donald Trump never watched Ben Stein's lecture in Ferris Bueller...

It's like Donald Trump never watched Ben Stein's lecture in Ferris Bueller...

So is Kieran now the King of the Culkins? Cuz I feel like Macaulay had that pretty well sewn up for decades. Then Kieran came on pretty strong with Succession. And now an Oscar. Sorry, Rory. I don't think your day will ever come.

I highly encourage everyone who supports Russia to go to the house next door to yours, annex their kitchen, and strangle their 6-year-old son. When people object, just say "hey, forget about the kid, lemme keep the kitchen, and send half your savings to my pal Donny. Or you just don't want peace."

I fucking called this. There was just no way they were gonna give him the satisfaction while he was still breathing.

People keep talking about how terrible history is repeating right now. But that also means this may all eventually end with guillotines. So buck up!

People keep talking about how terrible history is repeating right now. But that also means this may all eventually end with guillotines. So buck up!

Remember that episode of Succession where they brought in the homeless guy that they'd paid to tattoo Kendall's initials on his forehead cuz they were specifically written to be the worst people in the world? (Also, it was a billion dollars, not a million)

I will eat a leather shoe, livestreamed, if Elon Musk ever actually sends every American $5,000. Mark it down.

Okay, while formerly anti-Trump GOPers are craven, opportunistic parasites, I can at least see the logic in stroking off the guy who butters their bread. But greasing Elon's pole while he SPECIFICALLY strips their powers away? Where's the upside? They just come off like beaten worms. It's weird.

I always see millennials posting about how in love they were with the pink Power Ranger If you weren't in love with an anthropomorphic cartoon cheetah your generation sucks. Gen X forever.

This is pretty funny - like they were marooned on a frigging ice floe. They were diverted to St. John's, which is one of the most fun places on earth, even in February. Put on a coat and some mittens and go get fucking hammered and laid, you goddamn pussies. It's Newfoundland.

Dear middle-class people cheering on the DOGE cuts: Please let me know the second the price of something you buy regularly comes down, your tax rate decreases, and/or your wages go up. You fucking dummies.

There are still people on social media complaining about COVID vaccine mandates. Come on, guys, there have been like 30 bullshit conspiracies for you to fall for and bitch about since then...

Elon Musk to garble nawdle mista blurg drago. Then, he plans to jimp horgo vazeek. Glurp zurp derp. That's where we are now with this shit.

Elon Musk to garble nawdle mista blurg drago. Then, he plans to jimp horgo vazeek. Glurp zurp derp. That's where we are now with this shit.