I DISAVOW my earlier post - just because ENTROPY means both your THYMUS and a GUNLOCK will eventually fail, that doesn't mean they're worthless. I'd like to apologize to both Smith & Wesson and puberty.

"The Democrats OUTPOLL the Republicans on the generic ballot," said the NEWSMAN. "The Olympics commence with PARKOUR on 'easy mode': jumping on and off one sheet of TATAMI. Oh, and someone won the Super Bowl. All this and more on CBS Evening News with Tony Dokoupil."

As I read *Julius Caesar*'s DRAMATIC, MENACING MIDMONTH portent, "Beware the Ides of March!", I had the EPIPHANY that such DIVINELY timed warnings were exclusively a feature of the past. 🧵

"Well, *I* think William should travel UPCOAST with that hussy to have a TAWDRY affair. I think that would ENNOBLE them both." "Mother, please. Could you ease up on the SARCASM until we've finished our coffee?"

"I knew ACADEME would be an UPHILL journey, but I didn't imagine it would involve putting up DRYWALL in my professor's vacation cottage while he sits under a COCONUT tree." "Shh! Do you want him to sign our theses or not?" 🌴

Devastated to see what’s happening at a place that I loved because it was the writing home of so many people I loved. what a gutting week

The UNITARD-wearing cat burglar has caused MISERY all over the DIOCESE, stealing everything from the bishop's miter to the bishop's vestment, that VARMENT!

"You're such a nerd! The only exercise you get is an occasional PUSHUP, and I mean of your EYEWEAR." "That's a FALLACY! I also frequently lift printouts of my 800 page (and counting) NOVELLA."

It's NOTABLE and ironic that it's believers in the trinity of God (though not believers in the god holding the TRIDENT) that are also supporters of UNITARY executive theory, while it's up to those that keep KOSHER to point out there need to be checks within the executive branch.

As a member of Tom the Dancing Bug's Inner Hive, I have early knowledge of what kind of Dangerous Criminal I am, which is handy. Thank you @rubenbolling.bsky.social! bit.ly/theInnerHive

Things I learned from MARVEL movies: 1) Just because your base is FLYABLE doesn't mean it's a good idea 2) You should be consistent when you ENFORCE rules against people owning alien artifacts 3) Scenes when the heroes kick back with a nice CHABLIS make better cinema than you might think.

"Did you attend the HOURLONG THEOLOGY seminar this morning?" asked an ACU student. "No, mate, I BOYCOTTED that," said his friend, LAUGHING. "I don't find those very FLAVORFUL. Instead I went BALLOONING over the local BILLABONG. Crikey, the downward AIRFLOW we got scared the Dundee out of me!"

"It says here they figured out SOMEHOW that every TWELFTH mushroom in this forest has a flat POROUS underside instead of gills." "SCIENCE. It's always figuring shit out."

It was a MISTAKE to make the toy PLOUGH section the NUCLEUS of my TOYSHOP. Even kids know ploughing is no fun!

From @rangerjodi.bsky.social: “Birds, Bees, and Broads,” the Playboy SPINOFF of “The Victory Garden”, seemed like a shoo-in for an Oscar. Set in a rural TOWNLET, it follows two buxom gardeners as they fight over POLLEN and their overalls slowly come UNWOUND.

I swear I'm not a PSYCHO environmentalist, but instead of putting that FIBROID organic material in the GARBAGE, you could compost it. And replace your CENTRAL air conditioning with a ceiling fan or two...

The POETESS was in command of her GRAMMAR; she knew when to use HEREON and when to use thereon, and how to UNSCREW something, literally or figuratively.

"Does ABSINTH ENFLAME your senses, or are you just happy to see me?" she asked me coyly, as a major RIVULET of sweat from my forehead made IMPACT on my lower lip.

I used to be very PATRIOTIC, of course. That's why I let them AUGMENT me with a MUTAGEN. And I made ALLOWANCE for a lot of crappy behavior from our presidents, and took on a heavy WORKLOAD from them.

In the classroom: "ATTABOY Steve, always PROMPT. It's the tardy students that BEDEVIL me. Like whatsername here." "I'm not late to class, I'm NOUVEAU arrived."

I'm sending you this NOTELET to tell you you need to get to the gym, whether by TOWBOAT, JITNEY, or blimp, and get into shape (and I don't mean drawing a picture of yourself in an OCTAGON!)

What if a NAUGHTY BAILIFF happens to ABANDON his or her post? Then the judge is left vulnerable to anyone who can guess the number to enter on the KEYPAD (it's 6)

The sweet VIOLIST makes RHUBARB pies and calls total strangers LAMBKIN, but make no mistake: she will whoop your ass in TENPIN bowling

Her ILLEGAL activities run the gamut from an MS-13 ordered RUBOUT with a MACHETE to more HUMDRUM activities such as speaking impolitely to an I.C.E. officer

Since I decided to EXCLUDE anyone from my driving club that gets CARSICK or doesn't drive manual, the club gathering space has become more AUSTERE and the membership less PLURAL (it's just me in my garage).

oof

"My favorite band is Black SABBATH. Ozzy was a frequent AUDITEE by the IRS. Tony Iommi was some sort of weird MUTANT, at least according to his bandmates. Geezer-" "What is this pack of nonsense? Do you even listen to their music? You must be as UNSHARP as the letters on your counterfeit T-shirt!"

If you sign here and put your initials here, that will SIGNIFY that you have read and consent to this PRENUP. But if you wear a black ARMBAND in the heart-shaped BATHTUB during your honeymoon, that will SIGNIFY some objections to its terms.

In 2026 I discovered that if you CONFINE a BATFISH to a PLASMA solution it grows an ANNULET around its lure, somehow making it even freakier looking.

No Es Mi Presidente by Taina Asili youtu.be/aa9Ny0bYj8s?...

The mediocre RAVIOLI I had for lunch made me take UMBRAGE and had the EFFECT of making me FALSIFY tax returns all afternoon. Could you make me some good RAVIOLI for dinner? I don't want to rob banks tonight!

if you want a long read that involves udders, a hot air balloon, and some extremely dubious data on egg prices, the story I’ve been working on for the last few months where I tried to single-handedly take on every government function myself is now online! www.theatlantic.com/magazine/202...

In 2026 I DEVELOP into such a FANBOY for the new superhero based on the necropsy of a horse CADAVER, FETLOCK. Strangely, I seem to be the only one. Did I buy ten copies of issue #1 (FETLOCK and Key) for nothing?

Our CARPOOL usually talked about GOSSIP during the ride, occasionally delving into the AGELONG question of who gets to sit shotgun. That is, until Brenda's Tesla went HAYWIRE and tried to drive us all off a bridge. Then things got *deep*.

There's no point ARGUING with a GADFLY, especially one that lacks common DECENCY. You'd be better off trying to BECLASP a porcupine

Who is the CULPRIT who toppled the DERRICK over the controversial campus construction site? The BASHFUL biology student? The driven PRELAW student? Or the militant Earth Firster? HmmmMmmmMmmm...

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

The disgraced, BALDING politician referred to his COUNCILOR FAMILIARLY as "HONEYBUN." Still, she tried to handle his defense with the same ANALYTIC skill as any other, even as the world DOGPILED on her, sure she would get some sort of FACTOTUM position in his next administration.

The dull WINDBAG proceeded to NOURISH his GODSON on several OBVIOUS but mixed platitudes, like "early to bed and early to gather moss makes a man waste not."

The WHATSIT, that weird duck, the SAWBILL(?), swam UPRIVER into the new year, although it didn't NOTICE it was a new year, being a duck

(art by @wardsutton.bsky.social)

Holiday Guide, 2026: 2/13: remain EVASIVE about how you're celebrating Valentine's Day (because you haven't figured out yet) 9/28: remain ADAMANT - no Halloween decorations until October 11/2: HECTIC day, only 53 shopping days until Christmas 11/26, 12/25, etc.: ENGORGE yourself

I hope this year-end MISSIVE finds you well. I would have said I hope you're not feeling nostalgic or WISTFUL about the end of 2025 but I imagine you could as easily be WISTFUL about no longer stepping on a THISTLE. May you be IMMUNE to whatever horrible news and diseases 2026 has to throw at us!

It's New Year 1026, and a monk is WRAPPING up his bestiary. It's got mundane monsters such as the PHOENIX, as well as the bare KNUCKLED boxer (a hairless dog) and the tame impala (known for its DOCILITY and ADJACENCY to the Antipodes). My favorite beast is the CHLOROPHYLL UNGULATE (it eats itself).

Frog preacher: And let us not be driven by LOUTISH PASSION to fertilize eggs but be filled by the love of Frog Christ and aware of the KINSHIP of alllll God's creatures [tongue shoots out to nab a fly MIDAIR]

one possible 2025 ranking that I guarantee you will not see anywhere else

Maybe we can ACTUATE the conversion to the METRIC system in this country, or at least ELEVATE the conversation about it, if we promise everyone a decimeter more LEGROOM on domestic flights.

All I got for Christmas from that DIRTBAG was a JERSEY that barely covers my ABDOMEN. And he had the nerve to ENGRAVE his name on it...

"Doc, give it to me straight: what MALADY do I have?" "That's the good news - it's just a THIMBLE full of harmless FIBROUS material in your inner ear. The bad news is your career as an ACROBAT is over. Also I'm pretty sure your insurance isn't going to cover any of the many many tests I ran."

The cards say you will experience GROWTH in the new year. They provide an INKLING that you will MEDITATE a dispute over ship passage between an ADMIRAL and a flock of ducks, but I'll admit that part's hazier. ⚓ 🦆