If you can’t tell the difference between an IQ test and a dementia test: congrats you failed both

Winning a peace prize is kinda hard to do when you’re a piece of shit

Taking medical advice from two men that look like that would be like taking beauty advice from two men who look like that

Donald Trump is such a loser you can’t make a joke about him or he’ll send his goons after you. It’s terrifying sure, but it’s hard to be scared of a bloated orange bag of farts with thin skin

being scared of getting booed at the US Open is weak, get booed at an open mic like a real man!

Donald saw a video from 2020 and was furious. He threatened to send troops to Portland. The old man has completely lost it because the video in question was an episode of Portlandia…

Wow, I think that the Senate is actually grilling RFK, Jr. because the man looks like a burnt hot dog. And he normally looks like a standard uncooked hot dog.

Darth Vader’s lightsaber sold for 3.65 million at an auction. That rich person’s gonna be real angry when they find out that it doesn’t even work.

Big night for the savvy gamblers that bet the over/under for weather delays

Things were so boring back in the day grown men would just build tiny ships in bottles instead of spending time with their families

You really can taste the fact that they let real monsters make Monster energy drink

I saw a real-life-Bart-Simpson just skateboarding in the middle of the street! And I was like: be safe, are you crazy!?! And then I was like: is this what having a cow feels like, man?

Spirit Airlines has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy for the second time in a year. I’m no economist but it seems like this business is bad.

AI just lost its job at Taco Bell. And honestly, this is justa huge L for me. Because this is the guy I keep losing jobs to.

Can confirm: in this new Air Bud script, Air Bud becomes Pope.

putting the RACK in cRACKer barrel (drawing huge honkers on ol' uncle herschel)

Congratulations to Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce for dominating my news notifications 🎉

Shout out to Timmy Wood The Ghost #dahfook Wordle 1,528 5/6 🟨🟨⬛🟨⬛ ⬛🟨🟩🟨⬛ ⬛🟩🟩🟩⬛ ⬛🟩🟩🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Could you guys just be cool today? My good friend, Snoop Dogg, is at home crying, too scared to go to the movies anymore! So if y’all can just stop being so damn understanding and inclusive…it would really help him not be scared of movies anymore. He’s old and frail now. 🙏🏼

It’s a huge step for equality that these nightmare crypto douches are ALSO throwing dildos at NFL players

It’s nice when we all agree that a company is dumb, but I wish it extended past trolling their dumb rebrands.

Donald is going to take a ride along with D.C. police and military. Now it’s hard to feel empathy for a group that normalizes domestic terror, but I do hope they have plenty of Clorox wipes and air fresheners for President Poopy Diapers

The news is so fucked up nowadays I can’t believe it’s not produced by A24

Hi, we’re “Radioactive Shrimp at Walmart” and we just need one word to get started…

In this skibidi world you’re either the skibidi or the skibidor…

Meta hired an anti-LGTBQ+ and anti-DEI conspiracy theorist to be their AI bias monitor. I’m furious; but, to be fair, the job title insinuates the person will monitor the bias. I guess it was naive of me to assume they’d do anything about it.

Steve Wozniak appeared in a comment thread to defend his ‘bad decision’ to sell his Apple stock in the 80s by saying, “I gave all my Apple wealth away because wealth and power are not what I live for.” But he shoulda stopped cooking before he said, “…what I live for is thicc latinas.”

Stanford has created a “brain-computer” that can translate a persons inner thoughts into spoken word. So if you think that argument with your partner is bad today, wait till you get a load of these snitches.

A new study shows that social media probably can’t be fixed. But he’s so hot we are all willing to just stay in the relationship just a little longer just to see where it goes.

Back in my day this country was tough! Gangs of youths would beat this shit out of creepy criminals with alliterative names in the street. But now you can’t. Because of woke

👀🤳- Houston is WNBA's preferred landing spot for Connecticut Sun - #WNBA would "favor" a deal with Rockets owner Tilman Fertitta if he is willing to match sale price and pay relocation fee 😐😐😐😐 #wnba #welcometothew #bringtheheat

YouTube just guessed my age and weight like some kind of hack carnival barker

That Papa John’s ad where they squeeze solid garlic butter on the crust before baking the pizza is more upsetting to me than that American Eagle ad.

Pundits everywhere are like: Dean Cain Doesn’t Understand Superman. I mean, look at his acting…it’s obvious the man didn’t understand the character.

I think the strategy is to arrest everyone until we collectively stop talking about the Epstein Files.

The American military is being used against Americans on American soil. Is this what they meant when they said America first?

My dog is scared of her own farts, so I really don’t think she’d save me from a ghost.

Almost 2 million Americans are collecting unemployment. The highest it’s been since the pandemic. When Fake King Donald heard this he fired everyone in sight and proclaimed he will keep firing people until the numbers improve.

are we the type of nerds that still share worldle? It seems like a bluesky move Wordle 1,511 3/6 ⬛⬛🟨⬛⬛ 🟨⬛⬛🟨⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

The FDA has approved a breakthrough medical eye drop that can improve your near vision for up 10 hours. However, even with these improvements working-class Americans will still have trouble seeing the pharmaceutical industry doesn’t have their best interest at heart.

RIP woke you would have loved Pickleball

We live in the darkest timeline. Dean Cain having to become an ICE agent because he’s a terrible actor and nobody likes him is truly sad. A far cry from when Brandon Routh became a notary public.

We found our Bizarro for the sequel!

Mall staple Claire’s is filing for bankruptcy and closing numerous stores. If Claire’s taught us anything, you’re going to want to replace the stores quickly or they will close up again forever.

Old guy (in his 70s) who put live baby chicks in a blender, gave younger family members drugs, has zero medical training or knowledge but a wormy brain-full of misinformation and unwarranted arrogance, is canceling America’s life saving vaccines & research. God help us all as we travel backward.

Dear NYT *elitists*, Batman is a word. At least for today. I need the points. This is Batman erasure.

A company created an e-scooter that can reach a speed of 100 mph. Because we’ve all been on one of those annoying scooters and thought: why can’t this thing kill me faster?