Imagine a world where James Cameron spent millions making movies of Kamen Rider instead of those lanky fukin smurfs.

(You know you put me in a) Headlock of happiness Never thought I would wrestle With emotions like this Saw you come into the locker room As I was comin out Your hip throw dispelled all doubt Now it's a greco roman state of bliss This headlock of happiness

Sick and tired of the media treating everyone who wants to eradicate humanity as a villain. Look around, people.

Me watching every movie

I don't have any particular feelings about Liam Neeson, so I guess I don't care that he's lending his talents to an anti-vax 'documentary.' It just seems like a weird time to publicly get on that train. Like waiting until the iceberg is in sight to parachute onto the Titanic.

Dick pics in the world of Harry Potter wiggle around for a few seconds on a loop.

When the duffle coat is worn correctly, you don't have to choose between saying "I'm relaxed and approachable" and saying "I'm a fancy boy."

Mickey battles Chernabog for control of Bald Mountain, adds a literal notch to his broomstick to commemorate a hard-fought victory, then walks off in slomo to the sound of Zeppelin's Kashmir. Is how I remember it.

Trying to explain to gen z that there was a moment where everyone agreed that bike messengers were cool

Every new James Bond movie is like a movie set in the modern era about a lamplighter who keeps getting swept up in gas streetlamp-related shenanigans.

Clara Bow belonged to the 21st century and I don't think the early 20th even knew to be thankful for whatever temporal fuckup led to her being dumped in the ass-end of modernity.

No disrespect to Jack Black, but Carl Denham in 2005 King Kong is a complicated character, and I'm not sure Black was the right guy to unify his various aspects.

In retrospect, "look out honey cuz I'm using technology" is a very boomer thing to say.

Tired Dog is tired.

You look like the kind of person who assumes that if one national political party is clearly the bad guys then the other party must be the good guys. Chump.

Twilight Zone episode idea: submitted for your approval, a reality where there is a movie starring Barbara Harris and Jodie Foster and the movie has a chance to explore America's complex relationship with femininity, but it turns out that the movie is Freaky Friday.

What? Oh, that's just Ray. Bustin makes him feel good

To hell with Melania Trump, obviously. But also this East Wing nonsense seems very disrespectful towards her. Very out of character for her usually-doting husband.

Imagine having a coffee machine that depends on AWS and then expecting sympathy when it's down. Or even just thinking you should publicly admit to any of it. Mind it boggles.

What percentage of conversations between married people consists of "Is there something in my eye?"

Going around Scotland, speaking English into my phone, then shoving it towards locals so they can hear the Scots Gaelic translation. Big old question mark on my face.

Edinburgh, I tried to reach the bay by walking downhill from my High Street tourist cocktail bar. Dint work. Get your shit together, #Edinburgh

Note to self: Jack Back Session Cask Ale is good.

Part of the reason why Sean Bean's characters' mid-movie deaths are so notable: Mr Bean #thebestmrbean brings a level of skill and depth often reserved for main characters.

When jetlag says "please go back to bed, it's the middle of the night," adderall is there to disagree like a laconic and freakishly muscular Austrian with a shotgun.

This mobile ad better not awaken anything in me.

Happy Columbo’s Day

Trump is going to create the antifa of his fantasies. At any given moment (say, right now), dozens of grifters are seeking ways to leverage legitimate anti fascist sentiment into a more organized form that gives the grifters power over people. Trump's nonsense is a real gift to those assholes.

My dog: [shits a second time on a single walk] Me: in this economy? Everyone: [claps]

Browsing bluesky, getting stressed out, thinking "I need to take a break and go to that site that doesn't stress me out" before I remember that bsky was the site that didn't stress me out. Now what

Spell your name with movie titles 📽️ Difficult mode accepted: To Live and Die in L.A. Aatma the Ghost Call of Cthulhu Hell Up In Harlem Inglourious Basterds Klute Once Upon a Time In (take yer pick) Miller's Crossing Alphaville

I love in the movie "Sunset Blvd." when Gloria Swanson says "Please inform the director that I am prepared for a tightly-framed shot." I am not actually sure what we're doing here.

Joanne Dru's character in Red River isn't really in love with that cowboy. How could she be, she only just met him. She's only into him because he looks like the guy who played Cyclops.

Complete and comprehensive list of things in the universe rooting for humanity's success: > Humanity, mostly > Rats, probably > Dogs

I just sneezed while working on an email and the email accidentally got sent. But it's OK because I was basically done with it.

If I lived in LA, I would specialize in saying "hey, you're that guy from" then naming their most obscure early work. Except for Tom Cruise, to whom I'd say "hey, you're that guy from Severance!"

Harvey Birdman Attorney at Y'all

I'm just a caveman. I fell in a glacier and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. But perusing the news today, it sounds like these autistic people are a real problem. How can I protect myself?

I hasn't got what I wanten not

Things that sound like mic drops in my head but barely make a ripple when said out loud: "If absolutely anyone else asked me that question, I would refer them to you."

Did you know that Beowulf says you can't hurry love? Turns out you must have to Hwæt.

It may seem strange to many, but it is 100% possible simultaneously both to loathe oneself and to hold the deep-seated belief that one is better than everyone else. August is Gervais Disorder Awareness Month.

I hate soulslikes. They're like eating a bucket of sand on the off chance it might contain one or two tasty morsels. So I guess I'll play Elden Ring now.

From the abandoned #asoiaf appendix "Excerpts from the Westeros SATs" Stark is to Howland as... a) Lannister is to Roaren b) Tully is to Swimmand c) Arryn is to Flyan d) Targaryen is to Flamenott

If you clearly tell the audience that you're going to saw a lady in half, I don't think you should get in trouble for sawing a lady in half.

Hopeful that the grima reaper brings an early end to the Sackville-Baggins administration. Anxious about the inevitable Sharkey administration. #lotr

Shower hygiene products should have names like "The Scourge" or "Pit Weasel." I don't just want to feel cleaned. I want to feel rebuked for having a body in the first place.

You've been kidnapped. The characters from the last TV show you watched are trying to rescue you. Who's coming to save you? I'm delightfully screwed

My country is operating concentration camps again. Can you guess my country?