"they make the food right in front of you" yeah well I'd like a woman to make me cum right in front of her what's your point

nobody wants to go day drinking on a weekday and fist fight the chef at benihana anymore 😔

Whats great about bras is you never have to wash em. And the ensuing fungus accumulates to the point where I have functional C cups.

if I got lost in the backrooms I'd just jerk off until I died

"turn the TV on, they hit the fucking pentago- wait no... Leon Kennedy just parried the fucking plane holy shit"

how I feel getting home from work and putting on the same tshirt and booty shorts I've been wearing for 2 weeks straight

a human infiltrating a den of werewolves by wearing nothing but cheap dog ears and somehow nobody notices

the overwhelming ceaseless urge to paint the ceiling with my scalp

doing a full length magical girl transformation animation every time I add or remove a single article of clothing

step 1: we build a UFC arena in front of the white house step 2: elections are replaced with trial by combat

do you know how shitty of a president you have to be to make building a UFC arena on your front lawn seem lame

"porn?" yeah I'm por'n my self a tall glass of beer and jerkin off

imagine if girls could kiss other girls that would be so crazy

Comm #illustration

call me 9/11 the way I crash my plane (semen) into her twin towers (titties)

"what's in your pants?" a flying roundhouse kick if you don't stop asking me stupid questions

I'm just a dog with an employee number

reporting Frankenstein to HR bc all he talks abt is his monster

Chris Redfield punches the boulder, Leon simply parries the boulder

Unnamed (mandatory) Harpy.

adding "so to speak" to the end of all my sentences to look more intellectual

this one's for the mechsploitation girlies jeanne made an uh-oh that almost cost her handler and a lot of important people a lot of money! her handler is swift to dole out some (deserved) punishment though <:) (cw: cigarette burns, blood)

It's time to do it now, and do it loud— happy 15 years Killjoys #mcr

if your name can easily be changed into a pun involving pee or poo you had better be walking on fucking eggshells around me

Commission work🔪 #illustration

damn girl are you a data center cause I wanna explode inside you 😉

sobriety is propaganda invented by alcoholics to keep all the booze for themselves

#MetalGearSolid #Otasune

feeling very faggy today

I feel so certain of my gender identity and then I see emo boys and suddenly I'm not so sure

in the original draft of the bible Jesus gets pegged but they changed it to crucifixion cause it was more marketable

age regressed too far, they just hit the fucking pentagon

Mark Wahlberg could've stopped 9/11 and chose not to

the woke mob will tell you that my thunderdome is unsafe and unethical, yet they won't step into the thunderdome to discuss it face to face, curious 🤔

kill the next person who inconveniences you 👍

I'm not "watching porn" I'm experiencing the art of film making with my dick in my hand

the cop thinks I'm reaching for his gun but then I grab his hand and our eyes meet and for a second we're lost in each other's eyes before my other hand grabs his gun and I've been advised not to finish this joke

i need a dozen beers and my wifes tits to drink them from NOW

learning abt some crazy stuff in class today

silent hill fans when they see a depressed middle aged man

resident evil fans when they see someone using an umbrella

I don't wanna work I want to eat people

I am not a human being I am something so so much worse

handler/hound but instead of a mech pilot I'm just a feral beast of a woman who must be restrained for everyone's safety

getting spit roasted by Albert and Alex Wesker at the same time