I can’t handle any more discourse. We are beating the shit out of men until skinnytok goes away.

Three of my friends are having pest problems so if anyone needs me this weekend I will be at home throwing all of my stuff out just in case

Pretty sure that purging books is going to win over buying a new bookcase.

I’m not ready for low rise pants to come back, but I’m done with high rise pants because they make me look even more like Jack Skellington than usual

This is not a joke. Thyme Travellers: An Anthology of Palestinian Speculative Fiction will be an ongoing series! And we’re open to submissions for the second volume starting today: soniasulaiman.com/thyme-travel...

My brother told his daughter that “April Fools” ends at noon. I also thought this, because it’s what we were told by our mom growing up. I don’t know if he knows she did that because we were so annoying 🧐

Quick reminder to everyone who wants to go for a walk in the nice weather: there is a goose-free park across from my house. Note: It does have hawks. Not necessarily suitable for people who walk with wee doggos

Shout out to old friends who could also never get a “verified” badge on Instagram. Iykyk

Listen, if I drank water or ate vegetables or lowered my stress levels, I would not be here buying overpriced magical laser treatments from you. So judgey ugh

A very handsome man I haven’t heard from in a while messaged me today and it improved my mood substantially. *nose starts bleeding violently*

*nails Instagram contact list to Griffin Poetry Prize door*

I’m sure my mom also has adhd because today we have the language for that but “she keeps watching Star Trek NG and listening to the same Tanya Tucker cassette over and over” wasn’t diagnostic back in the day

According to ICE’s own data, none of its officers have been killed by an immigrant in the agency’s history. Instead, the leading cause of death by far among ICE officers is COVID-19.

I can’t call this a recommendation, but here are the ways this book may have snapped my brain: 1. I can’t put it away on the shelf, it has a seat on the couch 2. I can’t leave my house without it in my bag 3. I can’t stop crying when I try to mention it to anyone 4. I called a therapist

My mom was on ozempic and got so thin. I remember thinking the word “unnatural”. Anyhoo, she was able to stop taking her sugar pills, and cholesterol pills, and she could walk longer. Also, if she didn’t get any of those benefits, it would still have been none of my business.

You can’t know how messed up I am about my nieces being regularly driven across the border to go shopping and dumb shit like that. Their fathers (my brothers) are usually submissive to men with any sort of authority, and under regular conditions that would probably keep the girls safe, but now… 😩

Told Aviv

Me to my friend’s kid: Listen, all I’m saying is that tattling to your mom when I try to slip you your عيدية when she’s not looking is, at the very least, ACAB adjacent

No one is 1/8 something faster than a white lady being a very entitled white lady

I currently report directly to the person who also leads the DEI committees at work and she’ll be like “will you be done on time?” and I say “inshAllah” and she loves that so much and she smiles and she doesn’t care if I’m actually 8 months late

My employer keeps trying to find news ways to incorporate AI, doubling my workload and making everything harder. I wish they would stop

My niece has moisturizer for her face and she calls it her “skincare.” Like, that’s the product. “I have to put on my skincare” I don’t know if that’s because of the label or because of advertising. Stay tuned

3eid Mubarak. May god accept our duas, our zakats, and forgive us (me)

RRSPs are the perfect savings account for people who want to spend some of that money now and pay for it later

If I was going to bring back anything from the 90s it would be the conversation about codependency, because I’m so bored of everyone diagnosing narcissists

Me, trying to get invited to an 3eid party while everyone’s family is in immediate, life threatening danger: Ok so if I come I promise I will figure out how to pin my hijab without stabbing myself

I do not encourage using Spotify. Still, I did find the Red Szell podcast episode of Lake Burntshore there. If you can’t find it anywhere else: open.spotify.com/episode/175A...

My dad told me he was using ChatGPT to look up stuff like “what would my garage look like if it were pink” and ripped into him about being so delighted by something so stupid and wasteful but I just remembered he has aphantasia. When did I start arguing like I was popular on Twitter?

My niece started going to a school named for St Patrick in kindergarten and she got her lore confused and she was like “I’m afraid of St Patrick because he comes to your house on St Paddy’s and messes up your stuff trying to find his gold” and that year a new family holiday tradition was born.

Our policy at my job is to not send or request faxes because “fax is not secure” and I have spent 13 years worried that one day someone will ask what I am talking about and I will have to be like “it’s the same as why you can’t use your phone on a plane. I don’t fucking know”

Gonna read every book. I know I can do it

One time in the 90s I had to borrow money from a drug dealer to take my friend’s baby to a clinic in a cab because he had a dangerously high fever, needed antibiotics, and mom couldn’t be reached for days. Grateful to not know what it’s like to be in the age of social media with only bad options.

“You wouldn’t believe how tight it is” I say about the knot between my shoulders while my friends laugh at me.

Teaching some dry clean only shirts what it’s like to live with a rule breaker

I do not encourage or discourage cosmetic injectables because it’s your face and I think you should do what you want with it. I will say, however, that getting Tom Hardy’s top lip makes me feel drunk with power.

My Uber driver : I’m Jordanian Me, ready to drop all of my Arabic language facts on this unsuspecting man: MASHALLAH

People don’t like spelling my name properly because it’s like writing hahah

Not every arts thing can be staffed entirely by artists. I realise it makes some sense to have writers as publicists or administrators at press, for example. But, sometimes I think you should have one person on staff whose only talent is forms and emails.

An honour and delight to be a Tuesday poet. Thank you, @robmclennan.bsky.social

I want to be useful to people, but I occupy a body that was genetically fine-tuned over several generations to respond to crisis by demanding to speak with the manager, and there is no manager 🥺

I’m ready for everyone to stop saying liminal

No longer saying outloud that I’m thinking about travel. You will find out one day when I’m posting from wherever I went.

When the press cycle for a crazy popular book ends and we all have to secretly agree that we thought it was meh

So worried about friends who are far away and don’t know how to check in without adding to the stress of it all

Can we all acknowledge that although Britney’s DUI IS a scandal, Justin’s arresting officer in his DUI was like “who even are you?”

No, I do not want to get out of the house more. I live in London, and I am afraid of murderous geese.

Just got 70 units of Botox in my face because I am not giving up even one more thing that I like for anyone else’s discourse.