Don’t even think about turning anything into a competition with me because I swear to God you are really going to hurt my feelings

Someone I loved very much was killed in an ice storm when a truck that could not stop drove over him at a red light so like if you’re going somewhere in this weather don’t tell me

In 2026 we embrace all cringe, except pick me behaviour. Seriously, you’re an adult, stop that.

I have to say that getting hydrated has done wonders for the lifespan of my fillers. I can’t tell you how much resent that

I’m just boiling pots of water now because I can’t take the dryness.

I haven’t had any wine in weeks and you’ll be happy to know that my skin still looks awful 🫶

Power outage in London. Guess I gotta go to bed early oh nooooo

Norovirus is surging because none of you wash your hands. The most solvable of problems. Why are you so disgusting?

Who farted? - The 9 minute extended, shrieking children with bossy older cousin, laughter-to-overtired-meltdown remix

Am I the only one left who refuses to forgive Shaun King? Why is he speaking at events still?

When I got a dating app for the first time in 2020, I didn’t really appreciate the technology, because I didn’t use social media at the time, so I gave my phone number to like every person. And that is the story of why I am getting so many “Merry Christmas” texts from unknown phone numbers today

The mental gymnastics involved in sexting with someone in a very different time zone whose English is only mostly ok lol

“I would never let any artist touch up my face with AI!” I announce expressionlessly, with a face full of neurotoxins and fillers

Every year Vogue is like “we think next years hottest fashion/makeup trend will be (something else Gwen Stefani stole from cholas in the 90s)”

I’m pro-communicating with people you severely dislike just enough to never be in a room with them. “Dear douchebag, Please advise if you will be attending the event so that I can avoid it if necessary” Tired of letting people down when they come to town, especially when I didn’t have to.

Anyone else feel like peoples’ book stacks are starting to look like a strong man contest? Like, how are you holding all of those books without shaking and sweating?

One time in my hometown we organized a fundraiser lunch for the Arabic school. Some friends donated a few organic chickens, but we couldn’t use them in the cooking because they were already butchered and frozen, so we raffled them. That sort of cooperation is how we got to have nice things.

Blurb industrial complex: would you please stop using the word humanizing when you describe a book about people? It’s very weird.

Giving you permission to avoid that abusive family holiday function that you are fantasizing will maybe be not so bad this time. It’s going to be just as bad this time.

People get openly upset about cosmetic work on celebrities but if you ask them what their problem is, it’s almost always their make up. Also get a life

“Maintaining Resilience”: and other stupid shit you have to read when people making $180K use a chatbot instead of a thesaurus for their emails

“Hello beautiful girl. I hope you will have a good day at work xx” 4am Euro edition

Very tall but otherwise mediocre middle-aged lady with low energy seeks handsome, wealthy widower who needs help raising his snarky/hilarious children for marriage of convenience

“You are very fast with social media posts!” Thank you. I have weapons grade ADHD 🫶

I need a mani pedi with a belt sander.

*downloads hinge* *swipes left 20 times* *deletes hinge*

I used to think writers never told me when they didn’t like each other because they were being professional, but now I think everyone can just tell from all of my feet pics online that my parents had a messy divorce, and I have been through enough.

Man: ad hominem aaaahhh you ad hominem’d wahhhh *clutches pearls* *falls on fainting couch* *writes manifesto about male loneliness epidemic*

What is everyone getting for Christmas? Radicalized 🙌

Agreed to go on a date and then canceled two hours later because I really want to take an everything shower 🚿

I get Alexander Skarsgard’s eccentricities because I am also a tall pretty guy who wishes they were an adorable little guy 🥺

G: my Mom and Dad said elves aren’t real, but I don’t believe them. #smallvictories

I misplaced the cable for my electric toothbrush and now I sort of get the rage of those people who throw a Walmart sized tantrum when the escalator is down for maintenance

Me and Jess Taylor in the DMs coordinating our IG show schedules for next year based on our availability and hormone cycles is peak #canlit literary citizenship

It should come as a surprise to no one that I would rather take nail clippers to my front teeth than listen to someone who actually uses the word misandry. It gives “reverse racism” and I hope you go to jail.

G: OMG! Wouldn’t it be SO FUN if you bought these very expensive matching shirts and then we wore them at a sleepover? Me: Obviously, yes

What if almost all of the books in 2025 were the best? 🤔

Me in the published interview: Well, isn’t this just a dilly of a pickle? Me in the transcripts: Fuck me, WHERE is my pencil?

If I lived in England, I would write “Palestine Action” in pig Latin on my sign and when the cops are like “We understand this” I would say “Exactly. Fuck you”

A polycule that does not live or sleep together but shares custody of a pretty great dog

Gonna go to tell FB that Google AI says having red hair and blue eyes is originally Celtic, but Wikipedia says those features are originally Turkic. Unleash the fury.

What if the Three Body Problem books are actually very stupid? 🤔

I just want to be soft without effort or expense.

How do we handle neighbours who are Karens?

A friend from college, who does not use any Botox but has always had young, wrinkle-free, expressionless face, is now an “international gut health consultant.” Neurotoxins 0/Being a dummy 1

Wortley is wasted on me. I don’t think anyone here carries a weapon or anything

Who’s working on their best of 2025 list?

Read Bill Maher’s rage quit speech, or wax your own privates?

Is there a reason that every image post by a boomer on FB or IG looks like it might be part of an overall hostage situation?

G said she’s bad at math