The Executive Director considers the snack cake in the bottom left corner of the vending machine. He’s always tempted by it. The writing on the package is not English & it’s got a mean-looking anthropomorphic berry on it. No berry he’s never seen. The cake has been there since he arrived at SDPL.

Take the elevator to the second floor, turn left, go to the end of the hall. Through those gray double doors, you’ll find Agnes N., Cataloguing Librarian, hunched at her desk, skin pallid, coffee cold. Muttering. Don’t pity her! She has chosen this. Everyone in Cataloguing has chosen this.

Valerie R., HR Administrative Assistant, still intrigued by the dead zone between admin & the staff ladies’ room, hides behind a ficus & watches colleagues as they pass through it. They come out the other end ever-so-slightly changed: upside down belt, tie knotted Balthus instead of Windsor.

A word from our Executive Director: “SDPL is happy to comply with the State Dept.’s demands. Why leave America? For every non-US attraction, there is an equally appealing option right here in Shady Dell. Looking for exotic beaches? Gasoline Springs hasn’t been tied to a cancer case since 2014!”

Agnes O. turns off the monitor and goes home. All SDPL staff know: when you see Other-Agnes, it’s time to clock out.

“Even though she cannot touch ya— OTHER AGNES gonna hush ya Mean old ghost, living in the stacks— Turn your back, that’s when she attacks Went to the libr’y to get a book— AGNES killed you with a look How many days until you die 1…2…3…4…” —children’s counting rhyme (183?), Shady Dell Archives

Agnes O. showed up to work this morning to find the Library dark & empty. She sat at the Ref Desk, feeling silly, answering emails, until something caught her eye on CCTV. A woman, sitting in the chair next to hers. She peels her eyes from the screen and looks at the chair. It’s definitely empty.

Shady Dell Public Library will be closed Monday, February 16 in observance of President’s Day Sales.

Spotlight on Agnes W., Head Librarian, lighting a candle for the vanished science fiction writer, Olag Gandle. Agnes has approximately three minutes to recite the conjuration before the candle’s smoke sets off the fire alarm; two before the CCTV blinks back on.

Diana M., Local History Librarian, memory restored after completing the mandatory staff training modules, was there, in the archives, when the sinkhole collapsed. She watched the ground crumble—the books, furniture, & busts of all four Founders slide into the chasm. And she saw what crawled out.

Tonight! Agnes T., Children’s Librarian, & Father Zeb will sneak into the Library after hours, remove the fungal overgrowth that has cobbled itself into the shape of Agnes’ long-dead predecessor, & toss her — it, IT! — into the sinkhole. What could go wrong? Agnes wears her blackest cardigan.

Reminder that the book drop is for returning BORROWED LIBRARY MATERIALS only. If you’ve accidentally picked up the wrong teen from Game Night, please bring them around to the front entrance. #gaming #libraries

His guys all refuse to do it, so once again it falls on Leland B., Head of Maintenance, to shut down the basement. After the last patron leaves, he takes the elevator as far down as it will go, & hell if the muddy footprints aren’t there again, leading from the locked doors of the archives & ending—

Dr. Daphne Hall, local veterinarian, wonders why, whenever she reads alone in the Quiet Reading Room, she can suddenly hear the soft breathing of all of the cats and dogs she’s euthanized over her long, busy career—soft, but not completely Quiet.

If you applied for a library card between March 2017 & January 2025 from an entity/group of entities claiming to be the Franklin Branch Library, you may be eligible to join a class action lawsuit. Call the Main Branch Tipline immediately. Press 9 at the menu. #publiclibraries #booksky

Agnes G., Cataloging Librarian, poring over Epstein on her smoke break, can’t see what everyone is going on about. She’s on the fifth pattern and hasn’t found a single mention of Trump, nor anything more untoward than a typo or two. #epsteinlist #crochet #libraries

“Beware the 600s,” a carnival fortune teller once warned Agnes W., Head Librarian. Now, when a patron requests a cookbook, she walks them as far as the 590s & stops. There have been a few complaints, but mostly they seem to understand. Everyone has that Dewey category they would do well to avoid.

Leland B., Maintenance Head, throws a poppet into the sinkhole for the health of Hookland residents.

Join us at 2 p.m. at the Murder Barn for “Crafting with Cat Hair.” All ages. Hair provided.

Valerie R., HR Admin Assistant, is back at her desk today after a brief sick leave. She will begin processing payroll and rescue Maddie, prospective page, from the dead zone between the admin offices and the staff ladies’ room as soon as she catches up on email.

The modern public library is a vibrant and well-used & space! Kids laughing, teens gaming, the eerie whistle of the wind blowing over the sinkhole opening in the basement archives, meetings in the conference room…it’s all par for the course. Ask about our Quiet Room if you need a silent work area!

It isn’t until late morning, when the fungal growth resembling her long-dead predecessor sprouts an appendage that appears to be a well-worn copy of A Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats, that Agnes T., Children’s Librarian, decides to take more drastic action. She finds Father Zeb’s card and dials.

Nevertheless, the mycelium bloom in the corner of the Children’s Room persists. Agnes T., Children’s Librarian, has reported it to Maintenance but when they stopped by this morning for a look they said it was just shadows and cobwebs… Storytime at 10! Drop off your potty trained kids!

The Librarians are confused tonight. Where is everybody? The Library is completely dead—rare for a Sunday! ETA: Oh, of course! The book burning at the sinkhole! Father Zeb from Our Lady of Occasional Obeisance has sworn to destroy every book that doesn’t have the word “America” in it. 🔥

Agnes O., Reference Librarian, arrives for her Sunday shift in the dark early hours to find that someone has vandalized the Library overnight. Everywhere, spray painted in gold across the exterior: jackals. A whole pack of them. Really? she thinks. Again with the fucking jackals? #booksky

Reminder that Franklin Branch Library Librarians are NOT librarians. They are barely even human.

Want to learn about jackals? For some reason? All copies of “Jackals & Other Canids of Central Africa” are currently checked out. Ask a Librarian for help finding one of the MANY, MANY OTHER books on the topic, or browse the research databases available on our website! #booksky #SaturdayLibrarian

Agnes O., Reference Librarian, cannot fathom why “Jackals & Other Canids of Central Africa” (2006) is suddenly so in demand. The phones ring nonstop, & a line of patrons wrapped around the reading room & into the stacks—all begging for this slim natural history volume. #booksky #SaturdayLibrarian

Agnes T., Children’s Librarian, has observed a growth in the corner of the Children’s Room. It’s a relief, of course, that the heaviness of that area has coalesced into something tangible. Unfortunate that it bears such a striking resemblance to Agnes W., her long-dead predecessor.

Spotlight on young Maddie H., interviewing this morning for the Page position. She got caught in a time loop as she walked down the hall between the admin offices & the staff ladies’ room. She never showed for her interview. “Kids don’t want to work anymore,”roared the Executive Director.

Dwayne F., Janitorial Associate, begins his nightly ritual of saying goodnight to each of the books in turn. It takes him, as usual, all night. The sun is just rising as he touches the spine of the last book, “The Shadow of the Wind,” by Zafón. He’ll be axed when his supervisor arrives. Worth it.

-.. .- -. --. . .-. insists the break room microwave in Morse code. -.. .- -. --. . .-. Danger. Agnes W., Head Librarian, listens thoughtfully as she eats her toast over a lesser Camus. Why this message? Why her? Why now? Surely one of the other Agneses would be a more suitable vessel.

And then there’s the cursed book. Without fail, the patrons who take it home meet a sudden, uncanny doom. Agnes O., Reference Librarian, considers warning them when they leave the reading room with this particular selection, but she took a vow to make materials free & accessible for all. #booksky

Join us for MOVIE NIGHT, tonight at 6PM in the auditorium! We apologize for last month’s technical difficulties. The projector switched to the CCTV feed; the audience watched live footage of themselves sitting in the darkened theater for quite some time before anyone noticed it wasn’t Zootopia.

Our Executive Director announced in this morning’s staff meeting that he planned to cut SDPL’s book section. When asked what a Library would be without books he raised his fists to the sky and screamed, “PROFIT! PURE PROFIT!” Lightning struck. Somewhere, a dog barked. #booksky

Shortly after the Sinkhole Disaster, Agnes W., Head Librarian, realized the break room microwave was communicating with her in Morse code. She was warming baked cod when she observed a patter in the whirring: --./.-./---/.../... which means “gross”. It has had nothing nice to say to her since.

Note to patrons that the sinkhole settled in the night & claimed the entirety of Meeting Room A & several of the stalls in the basement gender neutral bathroom. All programs scheduled for Meeting Room A have been moved to Meeting Room B as we work to stabilize the foundation and halt the entropy.

Shady Dell Public Library: Come for the Books, Stay Because There Is A Pall Over the Exit

Update: Valerie R., HR Administrative Assistant, has discovered that if she edges along the wall & holds her breath, she can bypass the dead zone (between the admin offices & staff ladies’ room) unscathed. It’s made her a pariah in the break room, but at least she can remember her mother’s face.

This is who runs this account

Shady Dell’s resident groundhog, Alice, saw something at this morning’s ceremony, but it wasn’t her shadow. She wouldn’t even look at the ground—fixating, instead, on a certain window on the Library’s 3rd floor. She whined & cowered in fear, staring at that window, until the Zookeeper sedated her.

“A librarian’s relationship to her stacks is abiding. After so many years together, each book on the shelf harbors a part of her soul; when she dies, then, it’s no surprise that she’s still very much there, alive in the stacks. Old librarians don’t die; they simply stop working with the public.”

Spotlight on Valerie R., Human Resources Administrative Assistant, who has observed a small dead zone in the hallway between the SDPL admin offices & the staff ladies‘ room. When she walks through this area, it is suddenly 20 seconds later & she can’t recall her mom’s maiden name. Only briefly.

Diana M., Local History Librarian, has been located working as a line cook at Panda Express in Ozark! She claims to have no memory of working for SDPL or of her extensive research here. “Please, go away!” she said, but when she reached to untie her apron we saw the distinctive upper arm tattoo.

Did you know? The barn featured in local author Ruth Maynard’s seminal 1988 horror novel, Moon People, still stands in the woods behind the Main Branch. The barn has been closed to the public since the copycat kidnappings of the mid-90s, but SDPL still hosts occasional craft programs at the venue.

Meet Agnes T., Children’s Librarian. Prior to starting at SDPL, Agnes T. hadn’t worked with kids, & she doesn’t plan to start now. In fact, she finds kids unsettling. Why do they stare at the corner? Eyes wide, jaws slack? There’s nothing in that corner. The corner is FINE. It’s a normal corner.

Reminder that Franklin Branch Library Librarians are NOT librarians. They are barely even human.

Agnes O., Reference Librarian, looks out the window at the peaceful snow which blanketed Shady Dell overnight and idly wonders why, though the reading room is positively packed with patrons, there isn’t a single footprint leading up to the library’s entrance.

Repairs are complete & the Thoth Conference Room at the Main Branch is available for reservations! We’ve sealed & blessed the opening that appeared after the sinkhole disaster. Father Zeb from Our Lady of Occasional Obeisance assures us the sightings will decrease. There’s also a new projector.

We’ve received several patron complaints about Librarians from Franklin Branch Library (FBL) knocking on doors asking to look at “bookshelf schematics” & growing hostile when refused entry. We’d like to once again remind the general public that the Franklin Branch is NOT associated with SDPL.