You’ve heard of looksmaxxing, but have you heard of BOOKSMAXXING? It’s where you neglect everything else in your life to read books all day. 😊 #publiclibraries #booksky #reading

Diana M., Local History Librarian, absentmindedly drops a stack of old books on her desk, upsetting a cloud of ancient dust. Instead of settling, as normal dust does, it billows up & out, gaining form, strength, a backstory. It plugs the vents, locks the door, deletes her emails—

Well, yes. 💅 (Agnes W., Head Librarian, can also make your hemline three inches lower with a yank.) #terrypratchett #librarians

Be our 300th follower and we’ll give you this cool little card that entitles you to borrow as many books and movies as you want from the Library…for free!* 😏 *Also comes with a minor, book-related curse. Nothing to worry about. You won’t even feel it. And it’s rarely fatal.** #librarycard #cursed

And by whispering the incantation that dissipates the Shadow Reader (who’s been following you through most of the 800s and into Fiction) just as its first tendril caresses your earlobe… Another moment and you’d be a goner. Mind what you read, people.

Last week, a gentleman returned this rather dilapidated copy of this famous book to us after 50 years. He had found it in his attic! Presumably this means there is a pristine copy somewhere in our libraries....

DAMMIT. No one told the Franklin Branch Librarians their meeting was over. They’ve been sitting there in the dark, smiling pleasantly, hands folded, since last Monday. Coffee gone cold. Quizno’s party platter licked clean. It smells like piss, and they’re whispering something, all of them together.

Visitors often ask us about the statue in our lobby—a woman, 10 ft tall, bone thin, barefoot, her face buried in & completely obscured by a nameless book—but the truth is, we don’t know its origins. The statue predates the Library, with the latter being built up around the former. #publiclibraries

This National Librarian Day, remember that true Librarians do NOT 📚 hiss when you check out the Bible or other holy book 📚 possess nictitating membranes 📚 require an invitation to enter a building 📚 reproduce asexually 📚 vote Republican 📚 stand at the foot of your bed at night, chittering

Still thinking about this note I found in the children’s section of the public library when I worked there back in 2018. This kid tried to warn us…

At 10:30, a patron slams his hands on a table in the silent Reading Room. He leaps on the table & gyrating energetically. Six others stand in unison, snap their heads back with a sickening CRACK; jazz hands. More stream in, crab-walking down the aisles. Flash dance or mass psychogenic illness? 🤷‍♀️

After the incident at last month’s Movie Night, security has been increased for tonight’s screening of A Minecraft Movie. Please turn in your personal items to the Librarian at the door, refrain from touching your neighbor or claiming sovereignty over the room, & enjoy the show! 🍿

Does the place seem crowded today? Librarians (well, “Librarians”) from the Franklin Branch are here for a staff training. Chignons so tight they never blink. Cardigans shot through with pieces of metal and bone. Saliva pure white. And their shoes? Cute & sensible. We’ll give them that. #librarians

Absolutely! #BookSky

Is it just us, or are people really into reading today? We’ve had a line out the door since we opened. The patrons are hungry for books. Rabid, even. Agnes O., Reference Librarian, stands atop the desk, kicking snarling Readers away with her boot, tossing out copies of The Correspondent like meat.

JOB OPENING Page — PT Come work with us! Organize and re-shelve materials at the Main Branch. Bending, squatting, lifting up to 30 lbs. required. You will never be asked to come to the barn in the middle of the night. $17.50 an hour. Open until filled.

Maddie H. gets a text from her boss at 10:37 PM: <🚨sprinkler system malfunctioned, bunch of books destroyed, come help?!?> Maddie groans & spits toothpaste into the sink. <omg! 😱> she texts. <be there in 10> <HERO> <meet at the barn 🙂> The smiley face strikes her as weird, and why the barn?

Read 👏 more 👏 physical 👏 books! Incorporeal literature is how we got in this mess* to begin with. *shadow readers** **walking voids who long for physicality and devour your memories, little by little, until one day you wake up and YOU are the walking void, and they are PTA secretary

If you have any knowledge which you wish to pass on to potential future humans, please write it on a slip of paper and deposit it in the drop box in the Main Branch lobby by 8 PM tonight. The Artemis II crew can preserve these valuable records if they wake to find themselves the last of our species.

Signing up for SDPL’s Summer Reading Program this year? Remember to create just ONE profile for your family in our online tracking program! Multiple profiles may or may not spontaneously generate one or more “shadow readers,” who may claim your Summer Reading Food n’ Fun Card & One Free Book.

The world has its eyes on Artemis II but Agnes O., Reference Librarian & amateur astronomer, watches the dark skies above the North Folk Woods, where a new constellation has blinked into existence since last night. She calls NASA but the receptionist sounds skeptical and transfers her to voicemail.

There was a rumor that Jesus would return this Easter via the sinkhole. Good PR campaign, too: radio ads, billboards, an op ed in the Tribune. But when the time came, only two souls showed up to welcome the Lord. The Executive Director & Leland with Maintenance, who was just there to lock up after.

The price good people pay for indifference is to be ruled by evil people. The price you pay in our gift shop on Wednesdays is half off.

Per the Health Department: Contrary to recent rumors, library books previously checked out by infected individuals CANNOT transmit COVID/other viral illnesses. Furthermore, keeping a copy of Michael Crichton’s THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN on your person at all times will not automatically confer immunity.

One of the Head Librarian’s duties includes meeting with patrons to discuss proposed bequests to the Library. Often the patron is still alive and simply interested in tidying up their affairs. Other times, the patron has already died and Agnes W. meets with an executor. Tonight’s meeting? Unclear.

I much prefer doing my research amidst the flickering lanterns of an old-fashioned library in Prague during a raging thunderstorm with the help of a library ghost, so no, I'm afraid I have no interest in "asking ChatGPT.”

Since the natural lifespan of an indoor Librarian is at least 300 years old, you can rest assured our LIBRARY WORKERS Will Lead the Way for 150 Years More! (Provided the Coffee Does Not Run Out)

Dwayne F., Janitorial Associate, is somewhat of an amateur art collector. Always had what Granny called a “good eye.” So why does he feel uneasy as he installs the new quarterly exhibit in the Gallery? Dusky landscapes smeared across huge canvases. Not bad for local. He squints. And then he sees it.

No Kings but Stephen! #nokings #horror #stephenking

Join us for Teen Game Night at 6 p.m. in the Teen Space, where just now Zoe H. (new Youth Services Librarian) has discovered every single game box in the gaming closet is filled with—you guessed it!—more soil. More. Fucking. Soil. #publiclibraries #teenservices #gamenight

We’ve received multiple complaints about “bizarre”, “unhelpful” even “dangerous” advice from the social worker on Tuesday nights in Meeting Room B. We would like to remind everyone that we do not have a social worker. There is no one in Meeting Room B on Tuesday nights. You were talking to nobody.

Across town, Bob Green sits at his kitchen table, slurping coffee or whatever it is that gets Bob Green going, and gets an idea. His lips curl into a thin, cruel smile. Yes, that’s what he’ll do: he’ll check in at the Library. Just another Tuesday for Bob Green, Friends of the Library president!

Spotlight on Zoe H., new Children’s Librarian, sitting in her office behind her big desk, feeling small, a toddler wearing mom’s heels. Straight outta library school. First real job. Wondering why the drawers in her desk are filled with soil.

The Librarian Approves.

Keep reading despite the horrors. If stories were frivolous, we wouldn’t have had storytellers until things got easy. But this isn’t the case: stories are primitive, there at the darkest times, the times where only a tiny flame kept the wolves at bay. The horrors are no match for a story.

What’s all this about AI? How did your grandson get a photo of you & President Reagan heavy petting when you know for a fact you never (UNFORTUNATELY) met him in real life? Is it true Obama is bin Laden’s son, like in the video? Find out at “AI FOR SENIORS,” today at 3 p.m. in the Computer Lab.

The Library Board will hold their quarterly meeting tomorrow morning & the Main Branch will delay opening until 10 a.m. OR The Board will not hold their quarterly meeting & the Main Branch will open at 8 a.m. as usual. You never know with the Board. The Board does what the Board wants.

The Library Board consists of nine local businesspeople with tailored suits and designer sunglasses and an abnormally high death rate. The method and frequency with which the members of the Board die is…well, it’s unparalleled.

Don’t you hate when you use the last staple & have to get another box from the third floor storage room? How the pleasant bustle of the Library fades as you walk up the stairs? The chill of the brass doorknob in your hand? & the thing that lives there, watching from behind the stacks of copy paper?

Public computers are currently down at the Main Branch. We apologize for the inconvenience. The microfiche reader plods on, as per usual. Can we interest you in a very old newspaper, an obscure government document, or an out-of-print genealogy book? #sundaylibrarian #microfiche #publiclibraries

Here at SDPL, we want our patrons to feel seen. That’s why we’ve installed three extra cameras in the north parking lot. Violators will be towed. #publiclibraries #security

Agnes L., Circulation Manager and Interim Security Officer, checks the basement mouse traps and finds a perfectly preserved human finger. Black nail polish, just like before. Index. She drops it in a grocery bag, triple knots it, & tosses it into the sinkhole. Curiosity is above her pay grade.

“If the Four Founders—Octavius Morrow, Orville Smith, Hieronymus Jeffries, & Granny Teeth—held an uneasy truce in life, tensions only worsened upon death, with bitter legal battles amongst their descendants & … an unusually high incidence of crashes at the intersection of Morrow Ave & Jeffries St.”

Happy St. Patrick’s Day from Leland B., Head of Maintenance, improperly dismantling the fairy ring which sprouted up overnight on Library grounds. The fairies will give him hell tonight as he stumbles home from Founders’ Pub, but oh well. A man who cleans a public restroom is not afraid of much.

The drinking fountains on the main level are out of order. Whatever is running through those pipes, it is not water.

Join us for a special Story Time at 2 p.m. in the Children’s Room! Today’s Celebrity Guest Reader (filling in for Miss Agnes, who is still…Out) will be SDPL’s very own Executive Director. Kids: Bring your change purses & learn about all things fiduciary! 💰It’s Never Too Late To Start Saving! 💰

“It must be fun reading all day at work!” 🤣🤣🤣 We WISH we could read all day! We’re too busy answering reference questions, tech troubleshooting, searching for a natural predator that would eradicate Hank & his damn shotgun without comprising the general peace of the Library, planning craft programs…

After the sinkhole collapsed, SDPL was overrun with vermin. First it was rodents, crawling straight out of the abyss, which attracted every feral cat for miles. Like Hitchcock’s Birds, but with cats. Now our problem is Hank. Hank and his shotgun. Picking off those poor cats, one by one.

It’s not that Diana M., Local Historian, minds being “chosen.” She’s flattered. Really. But she’s so, so tired. The Four Founders never sleep. They stand around her bed, watching, until the alarm goes off at 6:30 a.m. Saying nothing, giving no sign, utterly still. What do you want? Diana pleads.

Due to a cataloging error, seed packets checked out from our Heirloom Seed Library between Feb. 16-Mar. 9 were NOT organic heirlooms but rather an invasive, parasitic species previously thought to have been eradicated. Burn the seeds at once & bring in the charred remains for a fine waiver voucher!