If my wife had a dream television show, it'd be called "Chubby Guy Murders".

Of course you remember notorious feltfucker Elliot Gould.

Wouldn't it be great if Tammy was short for Tamothy?

"Be yourself" is great advice except when the question is "how can I get away from these kidnappers?" Then it's just hurtful.

Accidentally dumped my kettle-cooked potato chips into my creamy basil tomato soup and it was the best "decision" I ever made.

I hate having to carry a knife or stun gun on my walks, I'm going to train myself to shoot blood out of my eyes like a desert toad.

Damnit, Hawkins! A shawty fire burning on the dance floor needs to be put out with baking soda due to the high concentration of oil-based products involved!

I don't understand all these "sexy" Hocus Pocus witch costumes. THEY WERE SEXY ENOUGH ALREADY.

Boom! Pow! That's how it's done (being exceedingly lucky). Wordle 1,572 2/6 🟩⬛⬛⬛🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Reminder that the phrase “toxic masculinity” doesn’t mean masculinity is toxic

Wife and I play aggressive footsie while wearing our Crocs and sitting in our respective armchairs; we call it bumping uglies.

How about instead talking about what TRIGGERS each other we talk about how to TRAEGER™ this fine beef brisket?

Frodo: <accidentally drops the ring on the ground> Boromir: <gives the ring on a chain back to Frodo after a few moments, then awkwardly tousles Frodo's hair before moving away> Frodo glaring at Boromir: I'm a fucking 50 year old MAN, dude.

Oh I'm sorry, I thought you kept saying "Stewart of Gondor" like his name, so I was calling myself "Bob of Bree" to match your vibe... My bad.

Do you think Arwen and Aragorn had real solemn "sheathe my sword, m'lady" sex or did they get down and nasty. I almost wasn't going to post this.

They really need a little velvet rope around the shards of Narsil if every Tom, Dick, and Boromir can just walk up and grab the handle and start swishing it around pretending like they're King of the Numenors.

This is what the elves sound like to me when they do their magic in any Tolkien/Jackson film.

Gandalf seems to be pretty reliant on the giant eagles for rescue; do you think he's like that friend who only calls when they need a ride or help moving? When they get a moth from Gandalf are they all "Oh geez, not this fucking guy again 🙄"?

A little smoked gouda on sourdough while I watch The Fellowship of the Ring is what Sam and Frodo would have wanted.

If you close your eye while watching the new Ed Gein series on Netflix, he kind of sounds like Dereck Zoolander.

The worst part of the Hobbit is the weird CGI makeup on the elves that make them look like dolled-up hussies.

Fuckin' aye. Wordle 1,565 2/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟩🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Would like to try these some day. Called Amanatto, they're beans simmered in simple syrup and then coated in granulated sugar.

This is unhinged: www.hud.gov Fuck these people right down to hell.

Look what they took from us, my friends. #goals

Just saw Sinners. Best movie I've seen this year.

What's the NEW switcheroo? Is that where you make people think you switched but you didn't?

I've been off Finasteride/Minoxidil for about 2 weeks and I'm starting to get my old face back. Wild. Selfies incoming... soon.

"⏳othy" instead of "Timothy". Just spitballin' here.

FYI it just takes one sample-size paint can worth of paint to completely block vision for an ICE vehicle trying to kidnap people off the street.

I think names should be able to include emojis or whatever we want, really. Why be named "Brook" when you could be named "B♜"?

I told my kids that the Tamagotchi was invented by Dr. Thomas Igotchi who famously studied the long term therapeutic effect of the "gurble" sound on children.

Everything's coming up Orgnar! Wordle 1,559 2/6 🟨⬛🟨⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

They sure as fuck are.

"Sea kelp if you experience dizziness or vomiting!" "Sea kelp if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours!" "Sea kelp if you experience heart attack symptoms!" Is there anything sea kelp can't do. Miracle stuff!

It's nice to think that there are probably some places in the world mostly unaffected by our terrible president and current state of legislated war against the marginalized. Like here, I imagine, in this little weird peninsula near Finland.

My top 5 ways to leave (in reverse order): 5. Jet 4. Bail 3. Huff 2. Tizzy 1. Storm

It's mind-bottling that the same political party that has been aching to bring back the r-word is the same one that also wants anyone who says anything bad about Charlie Kirk removed from the airwaves. "Fuck YOUR feelings but not MY feelings, those are PRECIOUS and SACRED, how DARE you!"

In a world where money = power I’m continually disappointed in how many of these ultra wealthy people are absolute cowards. Start your own community at sea; fund a new kind of whacky renewable energy; feed all the starving people; give away homes; become Batman for real; spread money around FFS!

Son: Was there a lot of thunder yesterday? Me: There is no unit of measurement for thunder amounts aside from decibels... Son: OKAY, was there a LOT? Or a little? Me: Relative to our location? There was 100% more thunder than the previous day on which there was none.

Watching a commercial for a drug that mentions "adults with obesity". Me: Babe, am I an adult with obesity? 🥺 Wife: ...where did you get that Halloween candy? It was in the big cupboard. 🤷‍♂️

ChatGPT is modern-day illusion magic. Basically a glimmer procured from a little energy-absorbing demon that you're inserting into your reports or code that may or may not work for the time being but it looks fine if you don't investigate it too much.

My son will randomly interrupt his own gaming sessions in his bedroom and yell "WHAT? ...OKAY, I'M COMING" as if I had yelled for him to go do something, thereby never having to tell his friends that he needs to sometimes pause his gaming to, you kno, use the bathroom or get something to eat.

Jesus, how much hairspray did I breathe in during the 80's/90's? It must have been a TON. I can remember my mom and all the women around me having a can per day Aquanet habit. Is that the toxic lead exposure for my generations (late Gen X/Early Millenial)?

Pasta in cream-based sauce, couple ibuprofen, and a cup of decaf tea and my eyelids are feeling heavy. Whew. 😌

It's 11pm on a Monday, I should be asleep but instead I'm eating leftover fettuccine alfredo and watching Seinfeld while everyone is asleep. I can't tell if this is a sign of my steady descent into a depressive state or something I'm doing to stave off depression. Feels like a little of both.

this is, hands down, the best video I've seen on men's influencer content and it's not close either

I bought special fizzy drinks for my step-daughters birthday party and then I forgot to put them out for the kids and now I'm drinking all the drinks. It's been a pretty good day.

Fuck it, I'm wearing the cowboy boots.

If it's a left wing victim of political violence? Jokes, false flag, mental health issue, etc. Right wing victim: "This is the turning point..." Get fucked.