I really love voice to text technology except when I start talking about anything interesting because both s*** and s*** are censored in the exact same way.

Whoa. Do snail medics know about this stuff?

Yous guys ever heard of GERD? This is the opposite of fun. Apparently they made a list of all the thing I enjoy in life, even the things that are good for me, and then created a disease that makes it so I can't do any of those things. Blows.

Things are Terrible, but this isn't. Be weird.

Reno: the state. Reeno: the city in Oklahoma. Important to know the difference.

This new generation of kids may be better at everything than I am but who do they come to when they need to know how long to microwave something? That's right. Me. Leftover pastina? 1 minute. A potato? 7 minutes, flip, 5 more minutes. Rice? Don't make me laugh. Smash the lumps, then 90 seconds!

Sitting in my car in the Walmart parking lot eating my orange chicken during a heavy rainstorm. These people around me are rushing to get their groceries and kids into their car so they can get out of the rain. Fools! I don't have to do that for at least another 5 minutes.

What kind of complicated ass order in front of me at the Panda Express drive-thru could possibly be taking more than 15 minutes? We know this food was all cooked at 7:00 a.m. this morning.

I heard rich people have panic rooms, so like I must be SUPER rich because I panic in ALL of my rooms.

If you're gonna quote Sartre, at least use the full quote: "Hell is other people whistling."

Time for my annual re-reading of The Lord of the Rings. But I'm 5 days late to start, so fuck it; I'm skipping to Bree.

If only I had known that the requirements to be considered a true play-uh were so simple... I would have thrown my arms in the ai-yuh a long time ago.

Some alternative advent calendars I've been brainstorming: - 25 crumpled foil balls that look like desert tanks from WW2 - 25 days of drum samples - 25 different hexcodes of mauve - 25 toys in a palindrome: same toys backwards/forwards with one unique toy halfway through - 25 days of caltrops

I think all non-violent first-time criminal punishments should start with a stern talking to, with apologies at the end for the sternness of said talking.

I always carry a few spare bullion cubes on me at all times so if I fall into a puddle or a swimming pool, hey, we got soup now bb.

GET WRECKED, MINI CROSSWORD.

what the fuck.

If I'm ever trapped in a wall by one of my enemies, I'm going to be yelling out Cask of Amontillado lines until I'm sure no one can hear me anymore and I'll die screaming but knowing at least I got in some sick references up right up until the end.

Maybe they asked us to crouch under our desks at school in case of nuclear annihilation so that our ashes would be easier for the surviving janitorial staff to clean up.

Lay 'em back and smack 'em yak 'em.

What if we found out baby corn was made like baby carrots, they just whittle it from larger ones?

If my wife had a dream television show, it'd be called "Chubby Guy Murders".

Of course you remember notorious feltfucker Elliot Gould.

Wouldn't it be great if Tammy was short for Tamothy?

"Be yourself" is great advice except when the question is "how can I get away from these kidnappers?" Then it's just hurtful.

Accidentally dumped my kettle-cooked potato chips into my creamy basil tomato soup and it was the best "decision" I ever made.

I hate having to carry a knife or stun gun on my walks, I'm going to train myself to shoot blood out of my eyes like a desert toad.

Damnit, Hawkins! A shawty fire burning on the dance floor needs to be put out with baking soda due to the high concentration of oil-based products involved!

I don't understand all these "sexy" Hocus Pocus witch costumes. THEY WERE SEXY ENOUGH ALREADY.

Boom! Pow! That's how it's done (being exceedingly lucky). Wordle 1,572 2/6 🟩⬛⬛⬛🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Reminder that the phrase “toxic masculinity” doesn’t mean masculinity is toxic

Wife and I play aggressive footsie while wearing our Crocs and sitting in our respective armchairs; we call it bumping uglies.

How about instead talking about what TRIGGERS each other we talk about how to TRAEGER™ this fine beef brisket?

Frodo: <accidentally drops the ring on the ground> Boromir: <gives the ring on a chain back to Frodo after a few moments, then awkwardly tousles Frodo's hair before moving away> Frodo glaring at Boromir: I'm a fucking 50 year old MAN, dude.

Oh I'm sorry, I thought you kept saying "Stewart of Gondor" like his name, so I was calling myself "Bob of Bree" to match your vibe... My bad.

Do you think Arwen and Aragorn had real solemn "sheathe my sword, m'lady" sex or did they get down and nasty. I almost wasn't going to post this.

They really need a little velvet rope around the shards of Narsil if every Tom, Dick, and Boromir can just walk up and grab the handle and start swishing it around pretending like they're King of the Numenors.

This is what the elves sound like to me when they do their magic in any Tolkien/Jackson film.

Gandalf seems to be pretty reliant on the giant eagles for rescue; do you think he's like that friend who only calls when they need a ride or help moving? When they get a moth from Gandalf are they all "Oh geez, not this fucking guy again 🙄"?

A little smoked gouda on sourdough while I watch The Fellowship of the Ring is what Sam and Frodo would have wanted.

If you close your eye while watching the new Ed Gein series on Netflix, he kind of sounds like Dereck Zoolander.

The worst part of the Hobbit is the weird CGI makeup on the elves that make them look like dolled-up hussies.

Fuckin' aye. Wordle 1,565 2/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟩🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Would like to try these some day. Called Amanatto, they're beans simmered in simple syrup and then coated in granulated sugar.

This is unhinged: www.hud.gov Fuck these people right down to hell.

Look what they took from us, my friends. #goals

Just saw Sinners. Best movie I've seen this year.

What's the NEW switcheroo? Is that where you make people think you switched but you didn't?

I've been off Finasteride/Minoxidil for about 2 weeks and I'm starting to get my old face back. Wild. Selfies incoming... soon.

"⏳othy" instead of "Timothy". Just spitballin' here.