Coldsweatpants have withdrawstrings.

When there’s a fight at a drag show, all heel breaks loose.

A fungi of the month club is a lichen subscribe.

Unsubscribing from some podcasts is how I am starting the grieving process of being laid off.

PORTLAND (west): I'm coming to Helium for three shows on 12/30 and 12/31! If you are the kind of person who wants to have MORE fun or LESS fun than a comedy show on New Year's Eve, come out the night before! Otherwise, your NYE plans can be locked in TODAY! portland.heliumcomedy.com/shows/342084

RIP Dick Cheney. You will live forever on as a specific CBT tag on grindr.

We’re at an unprecedented time AND day! With the very funny Bettina McKelvey!

My comedy EP for burn this records is out TODAY! You can buy it on itunes, amazon, or bandcamp.

I am not "getting upset on someone's behalf". I am calling both your halves an asshole.

I need to start going by my initials, so i’ll get hired to do all the writing jobs.

Gonna freestyle at kids who trick or treat at our house. Word will get around we’re giving out 16 bars.

Powerlifting in a CRASS t-shirt is working out with a resistance band.

@joshgondelman.bsky.social is the bestest, lets do it

A state outline tattoo saves me the trouble of asking where someone got their DUI.

You can now preorder my comedy album now! If you do, take a pic and i’ll send you some music i wrote as. bonus!

Dogs hate the doors and *especially* people who are strange.

Mixing wines together in one glass makes a “port manteau”

My goal is to get funny enough to join SNL or get unfunny enough to host.

High school senior marching bands have majors that are minors getting ready to pick majors and minors.

It’s not just that the actor who played the Cigarette Smoking Man is a competitive water skier, but it’s important to realize there’s a three minute video of him water skiing that you can watch. youtu.be/8Zgys8Vn-4Y?...

comedy EP for burn this records comes out 10/31!

me realizing mid-song I don’t know all the words to a beatles song:

Went to a rowdy wine tasting and a flight broke out.

Accidentally wore a Sriacha sauce t-shirt to a Thai restaurant yesterday. You don’t wear the band’s merch to see their show.

An adult bookstore is a library of sexual congress.

PEDIALYTE: a big old bottle of “I told you so”

HAUNTED HOUSE EMPLOYEE DRESSED AS ZOMBIE EATING DISEMBOWELED BODY: “So…this isn’t doing anything for you?” ME: “I mean, it’s been a helluva year, the bar is kinda high. Honestly the guilliotine guy I saw before cheered me up”

I’ll use self-care if the line is too long at care.

I feel like “we have no other details about the shooter at this time” is code for “we’re desperately searching through his search history for some trans porn”.

My partner and I have gotten into very heated discussions over which of my friends’ pets we think is the cutest. It’s not “dogfighting”, but is “dog fighting”.

Finally gotten into Hollow Knight, so I technically succumbed to beetlemania.

Was doodling astro boy and realized he looks like Glenn Danzig

pretty sure I am about to have sex with the devil in his unholy honda accord.

Finding out how magic tricks are done is like finding out about mormonism: it’s all sleeves and hand-stuff.

As a person who doesn’t drive, and lacks knowledge, the bar is very low for how cool i think a car is. “Whoa! Four wheels? This is gonna get us where we’re going 4 times faster than a unicycle.”

LGBTQ2S+ archives like @arquives.ca, @ottawatranslibrary.bsky.social, @invisiblehistories.bsky.social and @leatherarchives.bsky.social preserve our past. They can also drive our future, writes @ainopihlak.bsky.social.

Dirty hippie ponchos are marijuana crops tops.

I highly recommend going to a Ross about 5pm. The shoes, and clothes strewn all abbout really gives you that “left behind from the rapture” feeling.

Smokey used to fight fires and fight fights.

SUSSY! we’re back next month with @joejohnsancheziii.bsky.social !

bless comedians, that when faced with the creeping threat of facism, and the freedom of our voices we respond with an open mic list

As a trans woman, I could tell that hormones were working when my junk started looking like Joe Rogan.

I think I saw transgender death cult open for G.L.O.S.S. once

A rebel yell is technically a careless whisper.

Gay simpsons art is my new favorite thing to draw

THE HIPPIE SCOURGE!

Checkered slip-on skate shoes are windowless Vans.

If a guy does magic, it’s a red flag, a yellow flag, a blue flag, and your card.