I had a headache this morning and I’m not sure which year to blame it on.

A family-size box of condoms is just one condom with a hole in it.

current read:

PORTLAND! I’ve got shows tonight and tomorrow at @heliumcomedypdx.bsky.social! I’m really excited to share my new hour of jokes with you! Plus I immediately found the book I was looking for used at Powell’s so I’m feeling tremendous! Tickets: portland.heliumcomedy.com

Andy is great. Check out her album (or EP if you're running short on time or whatever)

Seattle thank you so much for coming out on a Sunday night to hear my jokes at the Crocodile!!! And thanks to @andyiwancio.bsky.social for killing so hard up top!!! What a perfect night!

My favorite puppet in Labyrinth is the one by that doorway.

My favorite puppet in Labyrinth is the one by that doorway.

I’m opening! (not pictured here)

The venn diagram of mead-dude and VPN advice dude is a perfect circle dude.

Gaydar is a stud finder.

My new year’s resolution is to use 2026 at the end of dates.

FUN FACT: "Christ" was actually named after "Christmas Tree".

Now that I am out of work, I think I may have to take up square-dancing because I miss all those sweet pivots and circling back.

Cannot wait to laugh so hard again in our cardigans.

“No, my son is also named Borts”

In french, on christmas eve, jesus was actually born to eat.

In-case emergencies involve saying “FLICK” or “curt“ out loud.

Holding in a burp while farting, is god closing a door and opening a window.

I imagine it’s hard to have the “talk” with a child about how the Elf on the Shelf can get into an apartment with a minimalisy modern aesthetic that eschews shelving.

I enjoy christmas, because people dress up their houses like drag queens.

Even if you get a giraffe inked on your arm, it’s still a neck tattoo.

Deep sea divers are the most happy at the lowest point of their lives.

As a person with the intials AI, let me tell you, we don’t need more of whatever it is that I am.

Yall josh is coming to portland and you can’t miss him!

Seattle!!! I'm so excited to tell you a whole lot of new jokes at The Crocodile on 12/28! My pal @andyiwancio.bsky.social is opening the show! Grab your tickets now: www.livenation.com/event/rZ7HnE...

I barely can explain being trans to conservatives, and you want me to explain culture wars too? I can’t even open resealable food bags properly.

I've "attempted" more pancakes than I have actually eaten.

I've "attempted" more pancakes than I have actually eaten.

A group of cloned weathermen are a doppler gang of doppelgangers.

be gay do crime but also be grime do kay

My top ten albums from the past decade is just three albums from 1996.

Zombie NRA: “You'll have to take my gun from my hands”

Or as we call it “Siberian Orchestra”.

PIRATES: the “very good roommates” of the sea

me: the pilgrims wete terrible colonizers also me: *puts mayo in tacos*

new comedy show!

Six days after thanksgiving I quit cold turkey.

Any day you find deadly mold in your fridge is black friday.

Sad to lose my job, but happy to only have to “circle back” when playing Street Fighter on my ps4.

knock off clubs: “If this is your first night of INTROVERT CLUB? You WILL be left alone.” “If this is your first night of TIME TRAVEL CLUB? You WILL see a younger version of yourself watching this happen and it’s imporant you don’t talk to them.”

Unleavened bread is limp biscuit.

I’d get a new lease on life, but there’s no way i’m getting the deposit back.

top 3 songs i mostly know by ooos, ohs, mmms, doots, dums, wahs, (or etc nonsense sounds) 1. Suzanne Vega - “Tom’s Diner” (doot) 2. Rolling Stones - “Miss You” (ooo) 3. Darude - “Sandstorm” (when-nennant nenennant)

Republicans hope to die in their sleep so they are never awoke.

Finally the GOP cares about children and girls past birth, (until they’re like 16 anyway.)

Behind the stork, closely flies the regret.

The sewer is very boring when the ninja turtles leave. It’s because the radical left.

The thing most people get wrong is Epstein is actually the name of the creator, Trump is “Epstein’s fuckboi”.

Crisco is iffy lube.