Initially, you are attracted to the brilliance. You get closer. You get so close and then the brilliance fades. After time, you return to the brilliance to admire it. Then, you forget how brilliant it is. Then, for the rest of your life, you return to the corona time after time & live in the glow.

Has anyone seen the swarms of privately educated kids migrating across to the state sector yet? Asking for a friend.

Listening to the music of Fairport Convention tonight. I have made a very bold statement... "The Folk Music of the M5 and surrounding regions." Discuss... (Do not throw things at me).

Is it Edward Fox Saturday?

Mam has just heard Meatloaf singing about crying icicles instead of tears. As it's been an emotional week, she's decided to put the heating on to avoid any such arctic-related disasters. #NewAlanBennetts

The French Prime Minister needs to form a cabinet by Monday or the economy will collapse. Perhaps he should talk to the people at Ikea. #NewAlanBennetts

Nigel is currently wearing eau de toilette cleaner. It's the only substance that takes away the stench of his racist politics. #NewAlanBennetts

After the journey home from work, Roger is thinking about taking up swearing professionally. #NewAlanBennetts

Maureen's been placed in her wooden overcoat. Ralph struggles as he makes a dinner for one. The drawers are filled with memories. Reluctantly, he peels a square of tin foil big enough for one potato. Maureen's ethereal voice echoes, "Bake me a potato! Make me a full, metal jacket!" #NewAlanBennetts

Norma's newfound enthusiasm for amateur drama was perhaps too enthusiastic, her physical gesticulation so wild as to threaten virtual lift-off and pose a danger to air traffic control. #NewAlanBennetts

A double visit to the local museum did not bring any new insights for Eric. Instead, he thought he would make his own history by blocking the entrance to protect the public from being exposed to Yorkshire Made in Matchsticks. Fortunately, a fire broke out. #NewAlanBennetts

"Is it one or many?" asked Maude. "What?" asked Joan in confusion. "Monopoly! Mono: meaning one, single or alone. Poly: meaning many or much." "Oh. I thought it was a game." The excitement of living with a former Countdown champion saw no bounds. #NewAlanBennetts

Yesterday while wandering in town, Eric tumbled into a Fun Palace. He expected lap dancing but instead learned how to cross-stitch, weave & develop his inner artist. Today there is a seminar on 'Crochet Means Hook' so he'll no longer call the implement a crochet hook. #FunPalaces #NewAlanBennetts

Calling all #BackpoolFC supporters... See you next Thursday to talk about my new book, 'Where's The Money Gone? The Battle for the Soul of English Football'. Big chapter on your battle to save your club.

Last night, we raised a glass to Pat. One of the greatest! We laughed at the memories of Kitty, Hyacinth, Hetty and Irene Ruddock. Like a final standing ovation, no-one wanted to put their glasses down. RIP Patricia Routledge #NewAlanBennetts

I wish only to celebrate the life of Dame Patricia Routledge! She brought such joy as Kitty & perfectly delivered the comedy of Victoria Wood. She also brought nuance to Alan Bennett's Talking Heads. If you only know her as Mrs Bucket, look again. #NewAlanBennetts www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vNAbCxyxMA

When I woke up this morning, I had only dined with one Archbishop of Canterbury. This afternoon, by total fluke, I have made it two. Congratulations to Dame Sarah Mullally. www.theguardian.com/world/2025/oct/03/sarah-mullally--named-first-female-archbishop-of-canterbury

Eric was pleased with Maude's compliment. "Eric, you've got a golden tongue." said Maude. "Thank you." he replied while smiling. "No! Eric! You've got a golden tongue from sucking one of your special Christmas pens." The season of ill-will had finally arrived. #NewAlanBennetts

Joan's rejoined the local Am Dram group, Shakespeare's Twisted Sister, and hoped to reprise the role of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz that she played back in the day. The director, 45 years her junior, refused her advances and now she's on props. He claimed, "Your rainbow is sagging." #NewAlanBennetts

As it's Stoptober, Eric is giving up all the things that are good for him: fruit, vegetables and kindness. #NewAlanBennetts

Joan is getting married again for the 6th time. This time she claims her husband-to-be may outlive her if she can keep away from poisons, knives, stairs, farmyard machine machinery and cliff tops. Her fiance is a little suspicious after signing a life insurance for £4 million. #NewAlanBennetts

It’s Mike! #comedystoreplayers40

The changing of the calendar couldn't come too soon as September had been a horrid month filled with as much joy as a Jim Davidson live DVD. #NewAlanBennetts

Eric considers himself to be like an unlucky Olympic athlete as he's always injured. Joan thinks he's just a clumsy idiot. #NewAlanBennetts

Who is looking after your kids? David Cameron's babysitter? #OutOfDateJokes

I think we can call this Trump's Ryder Cup; an absolute disaster for the USA.

I do hope those blokes and those ladders are out tonight raising those flags to full mast. Congrats Red Roses. England!

Book today! October 8th across the UK Buy tickets at comedy.army and hear a message from Alex Horne.

Greggs: The Residential Home of Baking!

"It was the Equinox this week!" said Maude. "Is that to do with horses and cattle?" asked Roger. "No, the changing of the seasons." shouted Maude "Oh, I must update my Uxbridge English Dictionary." replied Roger sarcastically. #NewAlanBennetts

Current level of confusion: When you are watching Stargate: Atlantis and see a ship decloak and you say, "What about the treaty with the Romulans?" Then, the T2000 from Terminator comes on the screen.

"She's not my Queen! My Queen died on 8th September 2022 when Liz Truss killed her." Maude is finding it difficult to adapt to Camilla. #NewAlanBennetts

I have a new election strategy. I just had the Liberal Democrats at the door. I said, "I know who you are," and with that they stopped canvassing too. He left! Perfect!

Today, I was accused of 2 things: the downfall of Twitter and excessive word play. I will acknowledge the first but one can never play with words too much!

One of Irene's varicose veins has split open. Robin's quick thinking saved her life. Maude was as inappropriate as ever, "He can shove his foot in my groin anytime." No-one could eat after that. #NewAlanBennetts

"In the 1970s he was known as il clignote." announced Maude as she put down an old edition of the Yorkshire Times. "Ooh, that sounds exotic!" replied Joan. "It was until he moved to the UK in the 1980s. Here, he was just known as the French Flasher with a small knob." "Filth!" #NewAlanBennetts

"It's time for Universally Challenged!" shouted Eric down the stairs. "I'm universally challenged by these f***ing stairs. I'll be with you in 30 minutes." screamed Joan. "Just in time for bed." #NewAlanBennetts

Tony is playing Only Connect again. He insists on calling one of the categories Horny Viper. He says it's a homage to his ex-wife Sandra.In response, his current wife, Briony, has left him a missing vowel quiz on the dining room table. " m lvng y y sxst twt " #NewAlanBennetts

The great potato debate returned. Mash, jacket, gratin, chips, roasted, fritters, curried, hash brown, wedgies, gnocchi, crisps, croquettes, boiled and new? Roger picked up the vodka and said, "I can't choose but I do need a drink." "Crisp sandwich it is!" announced Maureen. #NewAlanBennetts

With all this talk of the Headless Horseman, Alfie claims he's a medium. After all the excessive drinking, Maureen claims that he's a large. #NewAlanBennetts

ITV news presenter just called him Fa ridge.

If there's no ceiling to their ambition, why are they still using artex? #NewAlanBennetts

As yesterday was hot, Gerry decided to sleep in the nude. The only problem with this was that he was sleeping on Audrey's leather sofa. His sticky back made it uncomfortable for him as well as Audrey getting an unsightly surprise at 5am. Audrey's bought him a thong on E-Bay. #NewAlanBennetts

Eric has pronounced that he could survive a nuclear winter as he has enough wood, root vegetables and cured meat to last until 2056. Maureen brought him down a peg when she mentioned he'd not had wood since New Year's Eve 1986. #NewAlanBennetts

It Iwas double entendre night at the Feathers. Unfortunately, Janet hadn’t quite grasped the concept of the perfect double entendre, shouting "arse" whenever anyone uttered the required "Oh! Matron" after every double entendre. This left the Cock Inn as the clear winners. #NewAlanBennetts

Last night was comedy night at the care home. No invited turns just a plethora of disasters. Sid's trousers dropped (again), Maureen's false teeth shot across the room and Audrey's bra became bunting. "You could't buy this," smiled Hilary. "We are at £1000 a week," retorted May. #NewAlanBennetts

For some reason Maude had a 4 bucket night of sweating. She says she is not ill but is ready to donate to WaterAid. #NewAlanBennetts

Last night was comedy night at the care home. No invited turns just a plethora of disasters. Sid's trousers dropped (again), Maureen's false teeth shot across the room and Audrey's bra became bunting. "You could't buy this," smiled Hilary. "We are at £1000 a week," retorted May. #NewAlanBennetts

Darkness falls as the Autumn sings its song. Wild winds and falling leaves dance a familiar jig. Eric remembers he must loosen that fence panel just to irritate Maude. #NewAlanBennetts

Mam's sobbing over Robert Redford. She says she often fantasises being Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal. "He could've had me for me free and kept his million dollars." The 73 members of the Darby & Joan all feel a little sick now after hearing her declaration over the PA system. #NewAlanBennetts