A lot of us rely on DoorDash drivers to fuck our wives for us because we can’t do it as good

Andy Kaufman pitching a bit at NBC: for my next hilarious joke we will once again need a huge buff lady to kick my ass and spin me above her head. This is my comedy idea

Playing elden ring and listening to artangels because that’s what I like to do. If you have a problem with it you can suck an egg

I love that in NBA 2k you can win a championship and be MVP and then walk directly into your coach’s office to tell him that you goal for the next season is to win the Emirates NBA Cup

deeply concerning

God being a Travolta fan just fuckin delivers. That guy never stops being hilarious

Gonna get a pisanos delight for din din

Aw man RIP Brandon Clarke

I just invented something called the pisano’s delight

Guy at Enterprise yesterday had a full on hard leather briefcase. I don’t think he needs to be doing all that

Guy who becomes AI girlfriends with the excel formula wizard

(I reach a monastery in a high mountain valley, soaking wet and exhausted from my journey. Anxious about a strange new life. broad oaken doors open to a hearth lit hall and 3dozen brothers sharing fellowship, fine cheese and a fearsomely strong cider. they look to the sound of the door) what up boys

Just had the unique pleasure of a friend telling me he got a job at a zoo. My smile widens with every syllable as I said “that’s perfect because your enclosure is right there”

What kind of enrichment they have you guys on lately? My wife made some popsicles out of barbecue sauce and hid them in a tree. That’s pretty fun for me.

I’m the guy at the spurs game wearing a green striped golf polo in the pink shirt section

Jar Jar! What that tongue do??

Happy Star Wars

They should have saltwater taffy available at every corner store

Marcus Smart my angel

My thing with schroedinger is like…just open the box if it’s such a big deal to you what the cat is doing

Shaq and Charles winding their fists like popeye rn

The only way the hawks can save face now is to start a bench clearing brawl

Hawks putting up Idaho 3A varsity numbers

Atlanta hawks out there looking at their phones

what the hell

crazy guy

Point Break West Side Story Cabaret The Thing Eyes Wide Shut Macgruber The Terminator Knightriders Bloodsport Predator

Heartbeats (the knife) Purple rain Lover you should’ve come over Charli xcx - boys Carly Rae - warm blood Mkgee - rockman Serengeti - west of western How does it feel Thunder road Pancho and lefty

Working on a Garfield and Friends emote folder

oh lord he comin

Sometimes I think about the focus NBA players have to have because there can be 45 seconds left in the playoffs while you have the ball and the stadium starts playing the beat from I’m Different at full volume

(I want my mtv voice) I want my nba

Well No Kings protestors - looks like Donald is still in office and you got the Burger King fired. Hope you’re happy

Sometimes the bros act weird when I want dessert

eating a string cheese

I’m not surprised that Giannis would do some lame ad full of AI but I am surprised that the Minions would join him. Disappointing.

My uncle got the mystery egg from the guy at the farmers market and my aunt is worried hes gonna hatch it. Donna, i told her, he cant hatch shit. Might as well crack it into the toilet as it is to give to him. Six of one.

Mario is the police of the mushroom kingdom

Getting really sick and tired of these no talent assassins

ngl the bron to bronny alley oop made me tear up lol

Monkeys should get to have cigarettes- it’s weird and judgmental that we don’t just let them

If I was in the NBA I would have such a hard time not fucking with Tony brothers

Julius Randle literally just called on the almighty to stop Jokic in an interview