I dunno about all of y’all but I for one am super stoked for this ceasefire to end so the Dept of War can get back to the things it’s awesome at — namely War. I also hope everyone is like me and feels the patriotism running in their veins when they plunk down $86 to fill their tanks. America!

Yeah but let’s be real, it’s waaaaay cooler how Tarantino wrote it! What’s in the briefcase!!?? Probably the souls of all the Republican senators who confirmed a guy like Pete for a job like SecDef, SecWar, Fifth Century Crusader, whatever we’re calling him these days…

Back in the day, the OG Catholic Church fought wars, plundered countries, and had a kickass military. Now? Seriously, when was the last time they won a war. As soon as they start winning again — like America the “hottest” country in the world — maybe we’ll listen to them. War is peace, after all.

Tbh, that ambassador was so holier-than-thou he’s really lucky I didn’t send him to the Pentagon basement for a little waterboarding to help him get with the program. Like, bro, seriously, I was an altar boy too and a damn cute one if I do say so myself.

Groton. The answer is Groton. Motto: Cui service est regnare. To serve is to rule — the way I rule at global grand strategy and telling the Pope what’s up.

Two weeks until the war is over — I mean won — I mean, something happens then! m.youtube.com/watch?v=9v-3...

Man, if you all think “bimbofication” is out there, wait until you learn about SecDef of War Pete Hegseth’s fetish(es). I’ll just say it makes Diddy’s use of baby oil look positively conservative…

It’s really rude to repost a picture of someone if they really hate it.

I don’t get the sarcasm? Hold that thought, need to go order my decorations for St. Paddy’s Day…

Good thing SecDef of War and Perfidy Hegseth believes in the one true god who absolutely listens to boss prayers about killing heathen with impunity. Who is this “Leo” guy anyway? baptistnews.com/article/at-p...

Lady Liberty is a Frenchie who prob didn’t have the right papers when she was shipped over and erected so yeah, for sure, send her back to France.

My incredible and incredibly important book called Strategy of Denial was mostly about Asia. But it turns out I’m such a genius it also works here: our strategy is mos def the denial of oil to the entire planet. Go me!!!

RIP, king.

Did we say $200B? Dammit, my bad, that’s a typo. We meant $2,000B — practically a bargain. Freedom isn’t free, you know.

Had my boy Kevin workshop a new Dept of War talking points. “If the war were to be extended, it wouldn’t really disrupt US military readiness. It would kill a lot of our troops, and deplete the munitions we’d need if Taiwan were attacked, but that’s really the least of our concerns right now.”

Yeah buddy, finally getting the kind of coverage we deserve!

To those concerned about a shortage of the type of oil Pete puts in his hair, I just want to assure you the Pentagon has secured enough to grease down the boss for at least 18 months. Just in case, though, we’re moving up the Kharg Island operation. Lots of AMAZING hair oil there.

“But, as you see, it's a beautiful day, the Strait of Hormuz is open and people are having a wonderful time.”

Uh, he was talking about, um, not having quarters at the arcade. And how that’s a real bummer. Yeah, that’s the line we’ll go with at The Hague.

This is how you own the libs! Kinda like how I could have a modeling career because I have a face but the luxury brands don’t actually like my face so won’t hire me.

Whipping boy is a term of affection right? Like, everyone needs one and they provide an important service? puck.news/how-elbridge...

Total shame, and very rude to boot.

People need to chill out about Iran’s mimes in the Strait of Hormuz. I can assure you we at the Department of War are tracking *all* mimes and developing plans to counter them with extreme prejudice.

Support your local “dignified transfer” by purchasing a Patriot baseball cap for the low, low price of $55! Available in white OR black — get them before it’s too late!!! www.trumpstore.com/headwear/usa...

Fake news. It wasn’t an accident. SecDef of War Pete Hegseth did it on purpose.

I don’t know how anyone can take a guy named Pat seriously, especially since he doesn’t even have a part in his hair. Sad!

These “gotcha” questions are really hard!

Yeah buddy, we’re rolling in it! Wait until the desert course when we request another hundred billy from “congress” to reimburse us for this [grok, what’s another word that means the exact same thing as “war” but isn’t “war”?].

Elbridge is a much better name than Mike if these diplomats wanna go in a more alpha direction.

True story SecDef of War and Perfidy Pete was sooooo disappointed when he got corrected that these were “gravity bombs” not “gravity bongs.” But he eventually came around when the Air Force promised him a custom bong made from a cruise missile shell.

This is better viewed on mute, just focus on Kelly’s hair versus mine. My side part remains undefeated!

In his defense, he considers his morning coffee “fortified” after adding Jack Daniels so maybe he just got confused because of that.

As the young kids say, I just looksmaxxed the entire defense establishment with this pic!

Marco Rubio can def be president of Iran for a bit. He’s already in charge of State, Venezuela, and the National Archives so another little thing like running Iran shouldn’t be too heavy of a lift for him.

War is peace for the win!!!

My strategy of denial never fails. I don’t know who this guy is, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a book on global strategy currently ranked #4,372,893(!) on Amazon like me. I am never wrong.

SecDef of War and Perfidy Pete Hegseth is always focused on the important stuff at the right time! Wait till you see his workout video tomorrow!!! @thehill.com thehill.com/policy/defen...

People are all like “What now?” or as Petraeus once asked “How does this end?” We at the Department of War and Perfidy have a straightforward answer. Just chill, dawg. Live in the now, enjoy the fresh smell of napalm in the morning…

Pretty sure we accidentally blew up the remaining Epstein files in the first wave of bombs so everyone should definitely stop asking about them.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all who celebrate! And a special shout out to all alphas who protect their gals’ blankies! nypost.com/2026/02/13/u...

Melania is the wife of America’s most decorated war hero, former Col Donald Trump who earned three Medals of Honor, seven Purple Hearts, and can easily beat that phony Mark Kelly in a push-up contest (the knee kind, obvi). So yeah, learning about Melania’s life is def required for all war fighters.

This is true. Whiskey Pete is trying to rebrand himself as Vodka Pete (long story) and needs some pointers from the experts on the subject.

So psyched to have seen this at the Trump Kennedy Center premiere! And a special shout out to my boy Brett Ratner for proving that all sexual abusers need for a second chance is the right oligarch backing them. Oscars here we come!

Look, the SecDef of War and Perfidy Pete Hegseth knows of what he speaks. He was there, after all…unlike all these betas criticizing him he’s always our front leading the troops. www.irishstar.com/news/us-news...

Finally!!!! Welcome to the Big Kids table, population ME! And hey, get ready for an expense account splurge and some chocolate covered strawberries. The manly alpha kind, mind you.

My boy Tom should hand out some bags of cash to ICE agents to buck up their spirits. Pro tip: bring the CAVA bags with you, no locations in Minneapolis.

WTF are we even talking about now? Sorry, I mean — Public Affairs is kicking ass, taking names, and owning the libs. I think?

Great news, the Department of War has a new flag! It’s a bit of a throwback to the good ol’ days when British soldiers could freely quarter in American houses and before all the woke “due process” and “free speech” gobbledegook. But that’s why we’re conservatives!

One-year anniversary special announcement: DOD is now financing jawline enhancements for eligible male troops to bodymax their alpha-ness and try to achieve the Pete Hegseth Blue Steel look! Apply today!!!