The Borowitz Report
@borowitzreport.bsky.social
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In Buenos Aires, Trump was greeted by an angry anti-immigrant mob.
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Trump Flees to Argentina
"I can see where this is going," he said.
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/trump-flees-to-argentina
about 24 hours ago
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To those experts who said a Democratic socialist could never be elected mayor of NYC, a reminder that one was elected president of the USA four times
1 day ago
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Cuomo Says He Will Devote Rest of Life to Sexually Harassing People in the Private Sector
1 day ago
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Trump Denies Appearing on 60 Minutes
1 day ago
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Palantir stock plunged 8 percent today. This is a cause for celebration since one of its major investors is Stephen Miller.
2 days ago
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I always vote for the candidate billionaires hate.
2 days ago
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I investigate.
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How “Hardcore” is Pee-Wee German?
I investigate.
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/how-hardcore-is-stephen-miller
2 days ago
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As long as we’re renovating the White House, let’s turn the Oval Office into a food pantry for people who have lost their SNAP benefits.
2 days ago
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Trump has failed yet another cognitive test by saying he's better looking than Zohran Mamdani
3 days ago
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“He had a good run,” said Trump.
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Navy Accidentally Strikes Superyacht Carrying Clarence Thomas Near Venezuela
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called the sinking of the luxury vessel “an honest mistake.”
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/navy-accidentally-strikes-superyacht
3 days ago
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Congrats to RFK Jr.'s neighbor, who trolled him with this festive Halloween decoration on her front lawn.
4 days ago
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Kash Patel used a government jet to travel to see his girlfriend perform at an event. The most shocking aspect of this story is that Kash Patel has a girlfriend
4 days ago
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Trump just held a Gatsby-themed party at Mar-a-Lago, which proves a) he doesn’t give a shit about the millions of Americans starving without food stamps and b) no one has told him how The Great Gataby ends
5 days ago
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Usha Vance Reveals That Her Marriage Has Made Her Consider Converting to Atheism
5 days ago
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People are asking why Charlie Kirk’s widow would hug JD Vance like this. I’m asking a similar question, only substituting “Charlie Kirk’s widow” with “any woman in the world”
5 days ago
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Trump Accuses Judges in Food Stamps Ruling of Being Biased Against Starvation
6 days ago
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I hope that Usha Vance will someday convert to marrying someone other than this dickhead
6 days ago
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Are you with me on this
6 days ago
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“We have a racist shortage in this country like you wouldn’t believe,” Trump told reporters. “When I was putting together my Cabinet, there were barely enough racists to fill all the positions.”
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Trump Says White Refugees from South Africa Will Alleviate US’s Severe Shortage of Racists
“When I was putting together my Cabinet, there were barely enough racists to fill all the positions," he said.
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/trump-says-white-refugees-from-south
7 days ago
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BREAKING: Going forward he will be called The Rapist Formerly Known as Prince Andrew
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Prince Andrew Announces He Will Move to America Where Government Protects Pedophiles
“If you’re a pedophile, Washington is a sanctuary city.”
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/prince-andrew-announces-he-will-move
7 days ago
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“I didn’t sign up for this,” complained an exhausted ICE officer, struggling to breathe through his mask as he picked tomatoes. “I should be kicking some minority’s ass at Home Depot.”
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Trump Orders ICE Agents to Pick Crops Unharvested by Deported Immigrants
“I didn’t sign up for this,” complained an exhausted ICE officer.
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/trump-orders-ice-agents-to-pick-crops
7 days ago
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A National Guardsman stands up to Trump
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8 days ago
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The East Wing of the White House now looks like something Pete Hegseth drove into
8 days ago
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Trump’s Mideast peace plan is turning out to be a concept of a peace plan
8 days ago
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He loves the poorly educated
9 days ago
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Try this.
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Secret to Happiness
Try this.
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/secret-to-happiness
10 days ago
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reposted by
The Borowitz Report
10 days ago
“Every day, take a walk, read a book, make a friend.” ❣️Max Osterman grandfather of.. ❣️Andy Borowitz
open.substack.com/pub/borowitz...
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Secret to Happiness
Try this.
https://open.substack.com/pub/borowitzreport/p/secret-to-happiness?r=9laak&utm_medium=ios
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"It's disheartening to be forced to go against your community members and your neighbors," said Staff Sgt. Demi Palecek, a Latina guardswoman who is refusing to deploy in Chicago. "It feels illegal. This is not what we signed up to do."
10 days ago
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ICE agents are the guys who were too dumb to get into Trump University
10 days ago
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The First Lady's move has further imperiled relations between the US and its northern neighbor.
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Melania Increases Tariffs on Canada to 10,000% to Retaliate for Katy Perry Dating Justin Trudeau
The First Lady's move has further imperiled relations between the US and its northern neighbor.
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/melania-threatens-war-with-canada
11 days ago
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Historically, when there’s been a head of state this moronic it’s been the result of inbreeding
13 days ago
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If Trump built a ballroom to accommodate all the people who actually like him it would be smaller than a half bath
13 days ago
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Trump Refuses to Halt Demolition After Backhoe Runs Over JD Vance
13 days ago
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Is it too much for me to ask Trump voters to feel totally conned right now
14 days ago
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Let’s give Trump credit. It took 37 years for his bankrupt Trump Plaza Casino (below) to be demolished. He has bankrupted the entire USA and demolished the White House in just 9 months
14 days ago
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If Obama had done this the Fox headline would be OBAMA DEMOLISHES WHITE HOUSE TO BUILD MOSQUE
14 days ago
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Johnson had reportedly been asleep when a backhoe came crashing through the wall of his master bedroom.
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Mike Johnson Has no Comment After Trump Demolishes His Home
Johnson had reportedly been asleep when a backhoe came crashing through the wall of his master bedroom.
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/mike-johnson-has-no-comment-after
14 days ago
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Carrying on a family tradition of wanton desecration.
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Donald Trump, Demolition Man
Carrying on a family tradition of wanton desecration.
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/donald-trump-demolition-man
15 days ago
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“I was really hoping that people would forget about the Epstein files or that the Rapture would happen, but no such luck.”
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Mike Johnson Opts for Medically Induced Coma to Avoid Swearing in New Democratic Congresswoman
“I was really hoping that people would forget about the Epstein files or that the Rapture would happen, but no such luck.”
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/mike-johnson-opts-for-medically-induced
16 days ago
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Trump’s AI video of him shitting on the USA is the first factual thing he’s posted
16 days ago
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What was Little Marco really whispering to Metamucilini?
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Caption Contest Winner!
What was Little Marco really whispering to Metamucilini?
https://substack.com/home/post/p-176342752
16 days ago
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Government Shutdown Affects Half of Trump’s Face
16 days ago
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In a post on Truth Social, Trump threatened to attack Colombia but misspelled it "Columbia," which is significant because he has already attacked Columbia
17 days ago
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“A deal’s a deal,” the billionaire said sadly.
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George Soros Declares Bankruptcy After Paying No Kings Protesters
"A deal's a deal," the billionaire said sadly.
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/george-soros-declares-bankruptcy
17 days ago
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When tools like Mike Johnson warn about the “rise of Marxism” in the Democratic Party, let’s be clear: the Republicans steadfastly support Marxism, as long as wealth is redistributed to corporations and the rich
18 days ago
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“You take away Elon’s kids and almost no one was there,” Trump claimed.
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Over 400 of Elon Musk’s Children Attended No Kings Rallies
“You take away Elon’s kids and almost no one was there," Trump claimed.
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/over-400-of-elon-musks-children-attended
18 days ago
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Amazing Soros-funded Antifa turnout in Austin yesterday
#NoKings
19 days ago
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#NoKings
rally in Boise Fucking Idaho!
19 days ago
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Who knew that Antifa had tens of millions of members in all 50 states?
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A Terrible Day for Trump. A Wonderful Day for America.
TBR Weekend Read
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/power-to-the-people
19 days ago
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#NoKings
vs Trump’s military parade
19 days ago
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