“It’s Cliched To Be Cynical At Christmas” Now how did I guess You were going to express Your disdain at the crane With the bright fairy lights And you’d moan at the snow ‘Cos your car wouldn’t go Oh it’s cliched To be cynical At Christmas You don’t have a tree And your smile has a fee All the […]

“I Love You Because (You Look Like Jim Reeves)” My girlfriend looks like Peggy Mount What am I supposed to do? I’m up the creek and never mind the paddle boy I haven’t even got a canoe I sold my soul to an Arctic Roll I went to hell on a red Ski-doo I did the Shake’n’Vac and broke my fucking […]

“Swerving the Checkatrade” Yeah, Swerving the Checkatrade Swerving the Checkatrade So we may get to bill and coo I’ve weighed up all the pros and cons Of watching under-21s Swerving the Checkatrade with you Oh let me gaze upon your curves Instead of Ipswich Town reserves Swerving the Checkatrade […]

“Twenty Four Hour Garage People” I fancy I’ll open a stationer’s Stock quaint notepads for weekend pagans While you were out at The Rollright Stones I came and set fire to your shed ‘Cos you probably work at an all-night garage You probably work at an all-night garage You probably work at an […]

“Keeping Two Chevrons Apart” Well I’m not really worried about this But could someone please answer me this: Apart from on commentary Where else on earth Can you hear the word ‘aplomb’ being used? I’m filling up at Rothersthorpe North Good Girl has broken my heart She took off with a youth From […]

“Albert Hammond bootleg” Talking to a girl on the south coast of France She was on an 18-30 but I still took a chance But on the last night ‘neath the stars of Marseilles She said that Robin Askwith was funny Oh god how I longed for a dangerous wave So I could surf myself towards an early grave […]

“Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo” If you’re going to quote from the Book of Revelation Don’t keep calling it the Book of Revelations There’s no “s”, it’s the Book of Revelation As revealed to St John the Divine See also Mary Hopkin She must despair You’ve got a shit arm…. #HMHB #HalfManHalfBiscuit

“The referee’s alphabet” K is for the kissing of the badge How ridiculous that looks 6 months later when they’re at another club #HMHB #HalfManHalfBiscuit

CORGI Registered Friends In the kingdom of the blind It’s said the one-eyed man is king And in the kingdom of the bland It’s nine o’clock on ITV I believe I’ve seen holograms With more substance than you Automatic doors don’t open for you C-O-R-G-I (CORGI registered friends) C-O-R-G-I (CORGI […]

“Upon Westminster Bridge” “Christ that sun’s hot” Yes that’s right sir Oh help me Mrs Medlicott I don’t know what to do I’ve only got three bullets And there’s four of Motley Crue #hmhb #HalfManHalfBiscuit

“Sensitive Outsider” Faked my way through Glastonbury By acting all asexually And then in the acoustic tent She stood there as if heaven sent Well if that’s not Enya That’s not Enya That’s not Enya That’s not Enya I’m a sensitive outsider I’m a sensitive outsider I’m a sensitive outsider And I […]

“Horror Clowns Are Dickheads” Horror Clowns are dickheads You know it’s true And if you’ve got a phobia of them You’re a dickhead too Don’t go worrying and don’t be wary They have never been remotely scary Hardly M.R. James Hardly Edgar Allan Poe Get a decent mob together They don’t wanna know […]

Never heard of them.

“Slipping The Escort” The surgery leaflets Offer advice But there’s no preparation For losing him twice And now he’s washed and dressed and ready To keep him safe she’ll face the hurt And if she could hold that needle steady She could sew his name into his shirt #HMHB #HalfManHalfBiscuit

“99% of Gargoyles look like Bob Todd” And if eight out of ten cats all prefer Whiskas Do the other two prefer Lesley Judd? #hmhb #halfmanhalfbiscuit

“Fuckin’ ‘ell it’s Fred Titmus” Oh Jane was pushing baby round the park When all at once she saw her husband Mark Well he was with a man down by the stream So Jane and baby both began to scream “Fuckin’ ‘Ell, It’s Fred Titmus!” …. Oh Dracula comes from […] [Original post on mastodonapp.uk]

“Swerving the Checkatrade” Yeah, Swerving the Checkatrade Swerving the Checkatrade So we may get to bill and coo I’ve weighed up all the pros and cons Of watching under-21s Swerving the Checkatrade with you Oh let me gaze upon your curves Instead of Ipswich Town reserves Swerving the […]

“Surging out of convalescence” Is your child hyperactive, or is he perhaps a twat? Sometimes I like to watch wave rage down on Fistral Beach Last Ash Wednesday I had tantric sex and it was shit Next Ash Wednesday I might strive to lick my elbow Strive in vain For they say Few succeed #HMHB

“Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo” If you’re going to quote from the Book of Revelation Don’t keep calling it the Book of Revelations There’s no “s”, it’s the Book of Revelation As revealed to St John the Divine See also Mary Hopkin She must despair You’ve got a shit arm, and that’s a bad tattoo You’ve […]

“Oblong of dreams” Escape from Telepudlian Paul Around about now regaling all With his ‘Did you see the match?’ And his flat back four He’s a Super Sunday super bore Escape up onto Caldy Hill The spirit of Olaf, and if you will Stand still, wait, sudden breeze Clouds part, showtime And now I’m […]

“D’ye ken Ted Moult” Our Ted, it has to be said Produces proof beyond us Rain, shine or gale force nine His frames remain intact Helicopters in my garden Bringing wind (I beg your pardon) Double glazing is amazing Don't you all agree? No fears, they'll last you for years Our statistics prove it […]

Someone get a message through to Captain Snort That they’d better start assembling the boys from the fort And keep Mrs Honeyman right out of sight ‘Cos there’s gonna be a riot down in Trumpton tonight #hmhb #HalfManHalfBiscuit

Storm Eowyn? Mention The Lord Of The Rings just once more And I’ll more than likely kill you
Moorcock, Moorcock, Michael Moorcock you fervently moan Is this a wok that you’ve shoved down my throat
Or are you just pleased to see me? Brian Moore’s head looks uncannily like London Planetarium #HMHB

“Even men with steel hearts” https://www.skysports.com/football/video/33727/13277728/doncaster-double-lead-after-tranmere-defender-loses-shorts Even men with steel hearts love to see a dog on the pitch Even men with steel hearts love to see a dog on the pitch It generates a warmth around the […]

It’s A Wonderful Life. It’s a wonderful film, but the more I watch it the more I want Potter to succeed. Not least when that lot up the road come out into the street every NYE, drunk on Ptolemy’s hock, hugging each other and going “Hee-haw, hee-haw” Every time a bell rings I hate you some more #hmhb

“Midnight Mass Murder” Where were you? Where were you in mid July? Though they boost the congregation Joy turns swiftly into pain …. Open not the main church entrance Let them think it's been postponed Every year, the same old gobshites Left to me, I would have them stoned #hmhb

“It’s Cliched to be Cynical at Christmas” See how we yawn At your bile and your scorn It’s a beautiful day Peace on Earth has been played Make a noise with your toys And ignore the killjoys ‘Cos it’s cliched To be cynical At Christmas #hmhb #HalfManHalfBiscuit

“Children of Apocalyptic Techstep” A growing trend for people nowadays to say Don’t let my funeral be morose in any way And I, I, I, I, I will always hate them I ask you now please Rock of Ages Cleft For Me …. Too many psychopaths Not enough cycle paths #hmhb #HalfManHalfBiscuit

“It’s Cliched to be Cynical at Christmas” Now how did I guess You were going to express Your disdain at the crane With the bright fairy lights And you’d moan at the snow ‘Cos your car wouldn’t go You don’t have a tree And your smile has a fee All the same, here’s a card For your boring facade #HMHB

“Lark Descending” My hands are stained with thistle milk Look at the state it’s got me in Trying to be Mansfield’s very own Steve Malkmus I could have been like Lou Barlow But I’m more like Ken Barlow #hmhb #HalfManHalfBiscuit (I’m actually at a Folk Implosion gig)

“D’ye ken Ted Moult?” No draughts 'cos that'd be daft A feather acknowledges Newton And a ball and chain let loose on the pane Can only smash your nerves In the hibernating season Fit the best, it stands to reason No complaining where it's raining Thanks to Mr Moult, wahey! #hmhb #HalfManHalfBiscuit