Time flies by when you're a driver of a train Speeding out of Trumpton with a cargo of cocaine I get high when I'm a pilot of a plane Touching down in Camberwick, I'm stoned out of my brain. Under bridges, over bridges, to our destination Careful with that spliff, Eugene, it causes […]

I’ve drank too much black coffee Read too much Bill Burroughs I’ve been a he, I’ve been a she A “maybe” and “who knows” I’ve had the CBGBs I’ve turkeyed way upstate So don’t you rock me, Daddio Oh does your heroin lose its glamour on the washboard overnight? When your mother says “Don’t do it” […]

“What made Colombia famous” What price your bluster What price your smarm I’ve seen body parts lying in biology labs With far more charm Oh, big truck, Innsbruck King of the Hill Cock-a-doodle-doo What made Colombia famous Has made a prick out of you #hmhb #halfmanhalfbiscuit

“It’s Cliched To Be Cynical At Christmas” Now how did I guess You were going to express Your disdain at the crane With the bright fairy lights And you’d moan at the snow ‘Cos your car wouldn’t go Oh it’s cliched To be cynical At Christmas You don’t have a tree And your smile has a fee All the […]

“I Love You Because (You Look Like Jim Reeves)” My girlfriend looks like Peggy Mount What am I supposed to do? I’m up the creek and never mind the paddle boy I haven’t even got a canoe I sold my soul to an Arctic Roll I went to hell on a red Ski-doo I did the Shake’n’Vac and broke my fucking […]

“Swerving the Checkatrade” Yeah, Swerving the Checkatrade Swerving the Checkatrade So we may get to bill and coo I’ve weighed up all the pros and cons Of watching under-21s Swerving the Checkatrade with you Oh let me gaze upon your curves Instead of Ipswich Town reserves Swerving the Checkatrade […]

“Twenty Four Hour Garage People” I fancy I’ll open a stationer’s Stock quaint notepads for weekend pagans While you were out at The Rollright Stones I came and set fire to your shed ‘Cos you probably work at an all-night garage You probably work at an all-night garage You probably work at an […]

“Keeping Two Chevrons Apart” Well I’m not really worried about this But could someone please answer me this: Apart from on commentary Where else on earth Can you hear the word ‘aplomb’ being used? I’m filling up at Rothersthorpe North Good Girl has broken my heart She took off with a youth From […]

“Albert Hammond bootleg” Talking to a girl on the south coast of France She was on an 18-30 but I still took a chance But on the last night ‘neath the stars of Marseilles She said that Robin Askwith was funny Oh god how I longed for a dangerous wave So I could surf myself towards an early grave […]

“Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo” If you’re going to quote from the Book of Revelation Don’t keep calling it the Book of Revelations There’s no “s”, it’s the Book of Revelation As revealed to St John the Divine See also Mary Hopkin She must despair You’ve got a shit arm, and that’s a bad tattoo #hmhb […]

“The referee’s alphabet” K is for the kissing of the badge How ridiculous that looks 6 months later when they’re at another club #hmhb #halfmanhalfbiscuit

CORGI Registered Friends In the kingdom of the blind It’s said the one-eyed man is king And in the kingdom of the bland It’s nine o’clock on ITV I believe I’ve seen holograms With more substance than you Automatic doors don’t open for you C-O-R-G-I (CORGI registered friends) C-O-R-G-I (CORGI […]

“Upon Westminster Bridge” If Jesus came to Earth today They’d crucify him straight away Upon a cross of MDF And they’d use No Need For Nails Ship-shape farmhouse Dry stone wall chart Cash-back foot spa Straight down Ladbrokes Low cost school trip Ramraid Oxfam “Christ that sun’s hot” Yes that’s […]

“Sensitive Outsider” Faked my way through Glastonbury By acting all asexually And then in the acoustic tent She stood there as if heaven sent Well if that’s not Enya That’s not Enya That’s not Enya That’s not Enya I’m a sensitive outsider I’m a sensitive outsider I’m a sensitive outsider And I […]

“Horror Clowns Are Dickheads” Horror Clowns are dickheads You know it’s true And if you’ve got a phobia of them You’re a dickhead too Don’t go worrying and don’t be wary They have never been remotely scary Hardly M.R. James Hardly Edgar Allan Poe Get a decent mob together They don’t wanna know […]

“Slipping The Escort” The surgery leaflets Offer advice But there’s no preparation For losing him twice And now he’s washed and dressed and ready To keep him safe she’ll face the hurt And if she could hold that needle steady She could sew his name into his shirt Apart, adrift, alone Afraid of […]

“99% of Gargoyles look like Bob Todd” And if eight out of ten cats all prefer Whiskas Do the other two prefer Lesley Judd? #hmhb #halfmanhalfbiscuit

“Fuckin’ ‘ell it’s Fred Titmus” Oh Jane was pushing baby round the park When all at once she saw her husband Mark Well he was with a man down by the stream So Jane and baby both began to scream “Fuckin’ ‘Ell, It’s Fred Titmus!” …. Oh Dracula comes from […] [Original post on mastodonapp.uk]

“Swerving the Checkatrade” Yeah, Swerving the Checkatrade Swerving the Checkatrade So we may get to bill and coo I’ve weighed up all the pros and cons Of watching under-21s Swerving the Checkatrade with you Oh let me gaze upon your curves Instead of Ipswich Town reserves Swerving the […]

“Surging out of convalescence” Is your child hyperactive, or is he perhaps a twat? Sometimes I like to watch wave rage down on Fistral Beach Last Ash Wednesday I had tantric sex and it was shit Next Ash Wednesday I might strive to lick my elbow Strive in vain For they say Few succeed #hmhb […]

“The Ballad of Climie Fisher” Now here comes a story that’s never been told About the turbulent demise of Climie Fisher They had their success and they went separate ways Fisher went to work as a researcher for the BBC Education Department; rented a flat in Norbury, South London. Climie moved […]

“Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo” If you’re going to quote from the Book of Revelation Don’t keep calling it the Book of Revelations There’s no “s”, it’s the Book of Revelation As revealed to St John the Divine See also Mary Hopkin She must despair You’ve got a shit arm, and that’s a bad tattoo You’ve […]

“Oblong of dreams” Escape from Telepudlian Paul Around about now regaling all With his ‘Did you see the match?’ And his flat back four He’s a Super Sunday super bore Escape up onto Caldy Hill The spirit of Olaf, and if you will Stand still, wait, sudden breeze Clouds part, showtime And now I’m […]

“D’ye ken Ted Moult” Our Ted, it has to be said Produces proof beyond us Rain, shine or gale force nine His frames remain intact Helicopters in my garden Bringing wind (I beg your pardon) Double glazing is amazing Don't you all agree? No fears, they'll last you for years Our statistics prove it […]

“Trumpton Riots” Unemployment’s rising in the Chigley end of town And it’s spreading like pneumonia Doesn’t look like going down There’s trouble at the fire station someone’s had the sack And the lads are going to launch a scheme get rid of Captain Flack Tell PC McGarry to get himself a mate […]

Storm Eowyn? “Dickie Davies Eyes” Mention The Lord Of The Rings just once more And I’ll more than likely kill you Moorcock, Moorcock, Michael Moorcock you fervently moan Is this a wok that you’ve shoved down my throat Or are you just pleased to see me? Brian Moore’s head looks uncannily like […]

“Even men with steel hearts” https://www.skysports.com/football/video/33727/13277728/doncaster-double-lead-after-tranmere-defender-loses-shorts Even men with steel hearts love to see a dog on the pitch Even men with steel hearts love to see a dog on the pitch It generates a warmth around the […]

Every Time a Bell Rings Ground Control to Monty Don The testimonial silver’s gone The circumstance here’s pretty thin The sun comes out when I go in It’s A Wonderful Life. It’s a wonderful film, but the more I watch it the more I want Potter to succeed. Not least when that lot up the road come […]

Spare me from the drunken heathen Gumless bores in superdry Most unclean and most unwelcome Like a field of blighted rye Where were you? Where were you in mid July? Though they boost the congregation Joy turns swiftly into pain Arms aloft, their fingers pointing Haunting me with their refrain […]

“It’s Cliched to be Cynical at Christmas” See how we yawn At your bile and your scorn It’s a beautiful day Peace on Earth has been played Make a noise with your toys And ignore the killjoys ‘Cos it’s cliched To be cynical At Christmas

“Children of Apocalyptic Techstep” A growing trend for people nowadays to say Don’t let my funeral be morose in any way And I, I, I, I, I will always hate them I ask you now please Rock of Ages Cleft For Me …. Too many psychopaths Not enough cycle paths Too many psychopaths Not enough cycle […]

“It’s Cliched to be Cynical at Christmas” Now how did I guess You were going to express Your disdain at the crane With the bright fairy lights And you’d moan at the snow ‘Cos your car wouldn’t go Oh it’s cliched To be cynical At Christmas You don’t have a tree And your smile has a fee All the […]

“Lark Descending” My hands are stained with thistle milk And I can see what a fool I’ve been My hands are stained with thistle milk Look at the state it’s got me in Trying to be Mansfield’s very own Trying to be Mansfield’s very own Steve Malkmus I could have been like Lou Barlow But I’m more […]

“D’ye ken Ted Moult?” No draughts 'cos that'd be daft A feather acknowledges Newton And a ball and chain let loose on the pane Can only smash your nerves In the hibernating season Fit the best, it stands to reason No complaining where it's raining Thanks to Mr Moult, wahey! #hmhb […]

“Shit arm, bad tattoo” If you’re going to quote from the Book of Revelation Don’t keep calling it the Book of Revelations There’s no “s”, it’s the Book of Revelation As revealed to St John the Divine See also Mary Hopkin She must despair You’ve got a shit arm, and that’s a bad tattoo #hmhb […]

“99% Of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd” If you ever wondered how You get triangles from a cow You need butter, milk and cheese And an equilateral chainsaw Mary had a little lamb The doctors were astounded Everywhere she went Gynaecologists surrounded And if eight out of ten cats all prefer […]

“The Light at the End of the Tunnel (is the Light of an Oncoming Train)” She stayed with me until she moved to Notting Hill She said it was the place she needs to be Where the cocaine is fair trade, and frequently displayed Is the Buena Vista Social Club CD #hmhb #halfmanhalfbiscuit