My aunt asked how do we know the shark in Jaws isn't a real shark? Couldn't they have gone out on the boat and filmed a passing shark? I've explained that real sharks don't perform for the camera on command. She seems unconvinced.

Just found my Best Contact Centre Adviser January to June 2009 award, and my NVQ in Customer Service certificate. Might take them home and hang them on the office wall alongside my Expertise in Crisps certificate.

My brother wanted barbell weights for Christmas, and I stupidly, stupidly, had them delivered to my place instead of my parents. I've had to move them in stages, back and forth to the car six times. Stupid, stupid.

I've made the last batch of chocolates for gifts. Once they've set I'll work out how many I can eat without making the gift look a little on the small side

You know how it's apparently still legal to kill a Scotsman with a bow and arrow within the city walls - does it mean that you can kill them with a bow and arrow, or that you can kill them if *they* have a bow and arrow? Need a super quick response on this one please

The fatberg is upstream from me, so I really don't see the need to answer any more of your questions, Officer.

I just said "What is your fucking problem?" to the headache I've had since this afternoon

Not David Walliams!!

Our CEO has recorded a Christmas message in which they encouraged us to get some rest over the Christmas-New Year period and come back refreshed next year. Some of our departments are open throughout and numerous staff won't have got the annual leave dates they wanted, but thanks, yeah? Nice video.

Last office day of the year, and several of us brought in goodies. We have spiced biscuits, biscoff fudge and florentines. There's steam coming out of my calorie tracking app

Would you like to see some tits?

Just made an amatriciana for the ages. My secret? An extra splash of wine when the sauce is nearly ready

I don't like to brag, but I've absolutely nailed the first part of the "under-promise, over-deliver" strategy

I've come to a small nature reserve, expecting it to be more or less empty on a Monday, and the car park is overflowing. It's gonna be full of retirees isn't it. Wandering around slowly like they do, stopping suddenly in front of me due to a lack of situational awareness. Ugh.

Came face to face with this beautiful boy

I can hear my upstairs neighbour on a phone call in his office, which means he'll probably have heard me blurting out a 'BUMBACLAART' verbal tic

As I left the office I said "Have a good evening" to a colleague, and he said "No worries" and I find it quite comforting to be reminded that other people have bugs in their system

I recently bought a load of socks with smooth toe seams and cuffs that don't pinch the leg, and I got rid of every single one of my old socks. A total sock replacement. It feels fantastic.

My free electricity ends at the end of this week, when my broken meter gets replaced. So before then I'm gonna do as many electricity-intensive things as I can: run cleaning cycles for the washing machine and dishwasher, charge every device in the house, mine bitcoin, etc

My mum's put on the original All Creatures Great and Small. Bit hard to enjoy your dinner while Mr Herriot's talking about blood in a pig's diarrhea

If Bugs Bunny moved in next door, I would be very careful not to piss him off. Volatile personality

Drove past a Greggs Outlet shop earlier. What the fuck? Do they sell the dregs of Greggs? Haha no but seriously, what the fuck

I'm going to the work Christmas social, only because my colleague put a lot of effort into organising it. I've politely suggested that, as she doesn't like socialising, maybe she ought to resign from the social committee. She's gonna mull it over.

The loudest guy in the office is on a Teams call and just said "Yeahh, I'm in the office" then rolled his eyes

My cat sitter forgot to return my spare keys after last time, and it's taken me 11 months to message her to see if she still has them. And she said "You know what I just checked my bag and they're still in there"

I'm off to Dagenham for my flu jab, then to the Greggs opposite where they call you "Babe"

It's that time of year when my company reminds me of our gifts and hospitality policy, and I'm like "People are getting gifts and hospitality??"

I was cooking some riced broccoli, onion and chorizo, with a view to making a filling for a quiche, but I started adding things like miso paste and accidentally made it delicious enough to eat on its own. Long story short, I've had an entire head of broccoli for dinner

I'm sure the expensive mushroom supplements I've bought will be the missing piece of the puzzle that allows me to discover what being a functioning adult is like

Just had to drop out of a meeting to deal with a stinky shit that Fenchurch had failed to adequately cover up. It was so bad I had to cover the top of my coffee with a pad of post-its to prevent contamination

I got bin juice on me earlier, then got locked inside the communal bin store, and had to reach through some iron bars and operate the keypad blind. Then I got to my parents and ate two pieces of fudge before remembering that I hadn't washed my hands.

I'm calling this breakfast "The Half-Ulster".

I had a boring dream in which I had a slightly difficult time making breakfast because I hadn't sufficiently prepared my ingredients. Although, what's not boring is it's the first time I've had a dream that's given me some pointers on how to have a smooth breakfast cooking experience.

An cattle egret sitting on an unit of cattle

Only catching snippets of the budget on the tv screens in the lifts at One Canada Square™ as I scuttle off for an burrito

There is a real and present danger that my parents have secretly decided not to sort out all the crap they've amassed over the years before they cark it

Fun fact: if you say "Eat, drink and be merry!" in the company of my parents, my dad will solemnly say "For tomorrow we die".

Textbook lunch hour trip to the big Sainsbury's. Yelled "Cunt!" when I found someone had locked a big trolley to the end of a row of little trolleys, but other than that it went like clockwork.

My brother has been up to his laksa tricks again

Saw a tit of the long-tailed variety. First non-blurry photo of one in quite a while!

A couple of my Dutch relatives are in town

A member of DLR staff doing a passenger survey asked me "Where did you join the DLR?" and I thought he said "Are you enjoying the DLR?" so I said "Loving it!"

It's time for the annual work quiz, with free booze, pizza, crisps and sweets. I'm such a sucker for the free stuff I'm travelling into the office for it, after a day working from home Also I have a title to reclaim

I like it when robotic dancers on Instagram meet up with other robotic dancers on Instagram and do robotic dancing together

We have an assessor in the office, and he asked to see our youtube channel, so I brought it up on my laptop, shared it on the big screen, and there was my youtube search history for everyone to see. I panicked, but it was all "egg muffin recipes" and "Archie Gemmill goal vs Holland". Phewee!

It's so cold my phone doesn't recognise my fingerprints

My mum's hearing is going, and whatever she thinks someone has said, it's always the exact opposite of what they actually said. So I've said that if she thinks about the opposite of what she thinks they said, she'll know what they actually said. Easier said than done though

Hey girl, are you my cortisol levels? Because you are so high right now

Just had a smashing boozy post-work sesh in the pub like I used to have in the beforetimes. £8.20 for a pint of Neck Oil though, fucking hell

What do the French call custard creams? Crèmes de crème anglaise? In related news, I don't want to do any woorrk