The year is 2043. The blue cities of America have seized control of the ports during a civil war with Redneckistan. There’s a new Scream movie

Before or after my friends and I beat it to death with hammers?

The University of Texas has over 600k alumni and almost none of them can watch a baseball playoff game. Late stage capitalism fucking blows

I’ve spent the last half hour trying to figure out how to watch the UT baseball game. It’s on ESPN+ which FUBO doesn’t carry but they have ESPN and ESPN2. My Hulu account carries ESPN+ but now it’s saying they don’t anymore. What a mess

I don’t think your DoorDash driver profile picture should be a thirst trap. You got your whole tiddies out and I’m just trying to get hot wings on a Sunday afternoon

Incarcerating people should never be a for-profit business. It leads to all manners of abuse

I think I might loathe Hassett more than anyone else in this clown car administration. That stupid grin he has while lying through his teeth really pisses me off

Astros hitters ranked: 1: Yordan 2: Bunch of dudes that aren’t injured 3: Bunch of dudes that are injured

This is the most San Antonio post I’ve ever seen

Haven’t seen a frenchman this emotional since the battle of Dien Bien Phu

Jamal Crawford in a 3 person announce team is like AJ Hawk on that dumb Pat McAfee show. Neither of them say anything and don’t need to be there. Also, Reggie never STFU. Verbal diarrhea

I was half right

Y’all know why Texas doesn’t slide into the Gulf of Mexico? Because Oklahoma sucks

He’s like having a nuclear weapon in 1945. Basically basketball Yordan

4th quarter, one possession score, game 7. Nutsack time

De'Aaron Fox is a twitchy mofo. If I tried to change direction that fast I’d blow out both knees and get a hernia

when you flop but she keep going

I respect Reuters for posting a string of words that nobody can understand while hiding the story behind a paywall

Chet has been dunked on more times this series than your mom

The president is having a meltdown on social media about a concert. So, just another Saturday in 2026

Best coverup at Florida State since Jameis Winston

Physics can’t explain how Yordan gets to these pitches and mashes them

The Boroughs is what Pluribus should have been

After careful consideration and thoughtful prayer with my friends and family, I have decided that I will not be performing at the Great American State Fair

The Phoenix??? Y’all are out y’all’s damn mind. Having a bunch of TVs doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good sports bar. It’s cramped, shitty service, and the food sucks

The Brewers logo is so clean and eye-pleasing. Probably my second favorite behind the gold trident on a bright blue background sometimes worn by that PNW team that shall not be named

Every time I see anything about this I get Micky & The Motorcars’ Seashell stuck in my head

Delivery driver says he’s less than 10 minutes away. My brother you are at the light on Montrose and Allen Parkway at 6 PM on a Friday. You’ll be lucky if you move 30 feet in 10 minutes

Changing my email signature to “This isn’t me being gay, it’s science”

A lot of craft breweries are folding up shop. It sucks but maybe it puts us on the path to realizing that craft beer fucking sucks

Why is this man obsessed with teenager’s dicks? And raccoon dicks? And whale dicks? Gay sluts I know don’t think about dicks that much

We really have to stop putting people up for election that are fucking morons just because they were on a “reality” show

Russia officially says they will continue to drone strike NATO allies because the US won’t do a single fucking thing about it

UT is playing Holy Cross in the regional. Holy Cross coach: We’re down 2 runs but we won’t let the scoreboard dictate how we play. It’s literally your job to adjust your team’s strategy to the scoreboard

It’s becoming more and more clear about what needs to happen to stop this but I’m not sure the people have the stomach for it

I wonder how long it will take for people to learn that this isn’t an immigration specific problem. There are jails and prisons all across this country that operate the same way

There are people that read FOH and think Fuck Outta Here and those that read it as Front Of House

Spaghetti a la Yordan is about the only dish served hot on this team

I wish I could become fabulously wealthy on government contracts to blow shit up

You just know that there’s a guy in that ballpark wearing the nacho sombrero and an I Support ICE custom jersey

The wind people got a little bit of money in their pocket and now they think they’re hot shit

Final: Yordan Alvarez 4 Texas KKK: 3

I should sue the NBA for making me watch the Astros run the base paths on a Wednesday

For those that want to trade Yordan for 3 prospects in a trench coat disguised as a real big-leaguer, the Giants had several up and down years with Bonds but they always sold tickets. He’s a draw, and money is the most important thing to owners

When you get to the end of your cereal assortment pack and it’s Apple Jacks

Nobody enjoys Reggie Miller’s voice, right?

Kevin Hart is the first guy to get addicted to being in commercials for gambling.

Oh look, a basketball game

If you order Firehouse Subs from Uber Eats they will put your whole government name on the bag. I’m glad they didn’t print out my SS# and slap that on there too