if you're having the worst year of your life this is just a reminder that you're not special and everything can and will get worse-- hope this helps!

Still mad about that moron with a pilot's license who thought that if I loved take-off I'd "really love landing." Oh right the earthly plane. Fuck you/does not compare.

isn't it crazy how you go out to eat and order whatever you want and they only ask you to pay afterwards??? (please don't change!)

My dad just saw a poster of Anne Hathaway and said it looks like me because we're "both in the movies"

If I die choking on a fish bone I want everyone to know I went down doing something I enjoy and I got what was coming to me (congratulations fish)

You know the thing about bidets is I do think you need to see the instructions first

"Hanging in there?" seems fine to inquire but impossibly to reply. Are you "hangin' in," hanging in there," or "hanging in here"?

A bug just flew into my nose and I don't know if it flew out I DON'T KNOW IF IT FLEW OUT

I know a lot of people are doing a lot of important unpaid work that they are never acknowleged for so I just want to point out that today a child asked me to buy them "a blunt" and I refused, I did not do it

Personally I am seeking a momentary reprieve from watching seeing hearing (of) or observing anyone doing saying or being anything anyway etc.

I love how many Dexter spinoffs there are because nothing is more of a gentle wink to our national mood than the popular obsession with likeable serial killers

Sorry I didn't respond to your email. Been swamped with currently trapped in crevasse in an untraversable Chilean mountain range an apple screensaver convinced me was the only place I'd ever feel whole & calm again. Best regards, Miranda Childs

Today I learned that you can't do a cute photo shoot by the side of the freeway just because there is a sign that says Soft Shoulder

Me, after lying again, "I'm just a storyteller and I love telling stories!"

what if the point of life is to throw dinner parties at your home where anyone & everyone spends the night but instead we're all just texting each other while we work 100 hours a week

Was worried my worst fears had come true!!! (worried I'd spilled salad on my dog)

You can be horny, suicidal, or horny & suicidal (party time)

I love how horror movies have successfully established that both old houses and modern new homes are equally terrifying

Watching Love Is Blind Sweden and the worst of these people are better than the best Americans on that show-- must be something in that whole healthcare thing huh

Hobbies include making oatmeal nearly every morning but then completely forgetting about it and leaving it out all day so I have a fun little task when I return home and/or sad girl dinner

There is chocolate ice cream somewhere in my hair but it could be anywhere oh well

I just hurt my elbow scooping ice cream but I think if someone could send me $1,000,000 or whatever it would really help

why do they make these lovesick smooth brains drinketh from a goblet of metal? Isn't it enough punishment to be on "unscripted" television?

I dreamt I had a baby cow as a pet. I had to carry her everywhere and she was so heavy.

@bakoon.bsky.social what should i have for dinner?