My mates mrs has just threatened to leave him saying he’s obsessed with becoming a checkout person at the supermarket. He asked her if she'd like help with her packing.

I keep being told off by my boss at work for playing old UB40 songs. If it happens again I'm leaving.

Pretend you're Les Dennis by putting your arm around a stranger at the train station & looking up at the departure board.

The 2025 Feng Shui Conference has been rearranged

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“Your wife said you never buy her flowers” “ I didn’t know she sold flowers”!!!!

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

I went to specsavers the other day and asked for 7 pairs of glasses the assistant asked "why 7 " I said to see me through the week

If you’re not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw???

One Bear. (That's the bear minimum)

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche

“Never Apologise! Never Explain!” – Sorry, that’s my motto.”

My partner asked if I had seen the dog bowl……I said I didn’t even know he could play cricket

My Partner said I have no sense of direction. I said where did that come from??😳

You think gas fires are expensive? Have you seen chimneys……. They’re through the roof!!!!!

I rang the gaffer. I said, I’m just arriving on the south coast now, boss. He said, do you realise it’s five in the morning and what are you doing on the south coast? I said, just what you said, boss: making sure I was in Brighton early!

I have the attention of a goldfish….he’s been watching me for hours!!!

My mate said rising petrol prices don’t affect him as he never puts more than £30 in the tank anyway!!!

Didn’t want to find this in the dog water bowl this morning. I blame Government cuts to mice swimming lessons. Anyway we’ve called in heavy artillery

I bought a step by step guide on falling down the stairs!!!

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said no!!!!

I’m delighted to win the most secretive person in the office award……I can’t tell you how much this means to me!!!!

My friend is trying to invent the world’s strongest suction cup that can stick to any surface. Not quite sure how he’s gonna pull it off.

There’s a fine line between hyphenated words…

I asked Blondie if she could get the washing powder off the shelf but she said the tide is high

So I was waiting in line at the Post Office and I was carrying 25 tins of petit pois and this bloke bumped into me and I almost dropped them all but I kept tight hold and I didn't even swear. My Mother always taught me to mind my peas in queues.

On a flight, off on holiday. The cabin crew member asked what I wanted to drink. “water”. “Still?” “Well, I haven’t changed my mind…”

I know someone in a band called White Line. They're very middle of the road.

When she told my mate she wanted to play doctors and nurses….he wasn’t expecting to end up on a trolly for 12 hours in a corridor!!!

Can anyone recommend a lightning conductor installer who won't charge the earth?

I suck at playing the trumpet……..that’s probably why!

My grandad could speak to ghosts who would tell him what size of clothes to wear…….he was a medium!!!!!!!

My mate fixed the roof for me. I asked how much and he said: "Nothing. It's on the house".

My mate does voodoo acupuncture which is great as you don’t need to make an appointment and attend!!!!

I once dated a magazine collector. She had some issues.

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes!!!!

You stand accused of treating everyone like ducks. How do you plead? Not guilty, Mallard.

I answered an advert for jobs building Egyptian tombs, but it turned out to be one of those pyramid schemes.

I've just seen a cowboy ride past with chocolate and coconuts on his hat. I thought, He' s got a bounty on his head.

My friends asked me to returf a field so they could do civil war re-enactments……I thought sod that for a game of soldiers

Paul Young came over for dinner recently, but when he left he forgot his hat and this morning I received a letter from his solicitor asking for the deeds to my house. 😳

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My mate told me he bought his wife a vibrator for her birthday. I said did she like it? He said I don’t think so. She been moaning ever since!!!!

Only 2 hours into my semaphore course and I'm already flagging

l read that the manager of John O'Groats F.C. has quit after their weekend defeat to Lands End F.C. He reckons he has taken the team as far as it can go.

I’ve agreed a deal to pay my lumberjacks a lower rate…..can’t believe they fell for that

Recently bought the latest car that runs entirely on ferrets but just had a bit of a disaster when I accidentally filled it with weasel

I've got rid of all German names off my phone and now it's.......Hans free