Guy walks into a chemist and says, "Have you got anything for complete loss of voice?" The pharmacist says, "Good morning sir. What can I do for you?"

I'm feeling a bit gutted, I really thought I'd win the giant butterfly competition. I told everyone I would win... Me and my big moth.

My friend just got caught smuggling children’s TV memorabilia through Customs. He would've got away with it, but he dropped a clanger.

Went to a lecture about counterfeit money……I don’t remember much about it. They told us not to make notes!!!!

Did you hear about the man that was killed when a display of vitamins and herbal extracts fell on him? Police say he died of natural causes

I buy the same type of suncream every year. I think the number on the front is a factor!!!!

Today, my parsley, basil, and rosemary all turned against me. Thyme is on my side, though.

My mate said this Feckin water is feckin horrible, it tastes feckin terrible…..he’s got no filter!!!

Just ran over chumbawamba with my car at 80mph. Apparently they don't.

Reluctantly I am giving up my weekly yoga class. The price has gone up from £15 per session to £30 and I just can't stretch to that.

I came 1st in the percussion competition today! I won't go on about it though, I dont like to bang my own drum!

The man who invented the Ferris wheel, never met the man who invented the carousel. They moved in different circles.

I phoned the Rhetorical Society helpline, but I got no answer.

Just been charged £80 for protein powder. That's whey overpriced.

If I make you breakfast in bed, A simple' Thank you' is all I need. Not all this 'Who are you & what are you doing in my house?' Nonsense.

The Leeds View Podcast: Steps In The Right Direction youtu.be/lydWW7pzdJg - Chelsea Review - Liverpool Preview - Elland Road Work ? With Paul Brooker @theleedstherapy.bsky.social #lufc #leeds #leedsunited #epl #PremierLeague #podcast

My mate is trying to learn to be a more sensitive lover. He got a DVD on how to improve foreplay technique. He said it was really good but he had to fast forward through the boring bit at the beginning.

A nose walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of lager. The barman says "sorry I can't serve you". The nose says "why not?" And the barman says "because you are off your face"

The Leeds View Podcast: Male or Break ? youtu.be/KPvKX-JmVWY - Man City Debrief - The Guardian Article - Chelsea Preview With Paul and Gerry @theleedstherapy.bsky.social @gerrymc123.bsky.social #lufc #leedsunited #epl #49ers #podcast

I can’t get into my acupuncture account? I think I've lost my pin.

Ahem.....it is traditional for me at this time of year to say the following……The days of Advent calendars are numbered.........you’re welcome Coming soon “The Chris Rea” joke

I've just finished my degree in sandwich fillings… I do my final eggs ham tomorrow.

I’ve just failed my ventriloquist exam. I can't say I'm surprised.

At my friend's wedding, every time he tried to speak, someone got up and said "Raise your Glasses". I regret buying them that pop-up toaster.

Sad to hear that Pins & Needles magazine has folded due to poor circulation.

This Weeks Leeds View Podcast Is Live youtu.be/INDlt8EF8u8 Thanks to Paul and Gerry as always. @theleedstherapy.bsky.social @gerrymc123.bsky.social #lufc #leedsunited #epl #premierleague #49ers

I scrapped ice of the car windscreen with my Tesco club card this morning……I got 10% of it off!!!!

Not a lot of people know this but the singer Bill Withers had a brother called Bear, who wrote telephone hold music. ☎️

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone

His wife said she was leaving him because of his infatuation with metomorphsois but he said he could change

My mate makes plastic letters for toilet doors… He's certainly got an I for the ladies.

Two competitors from the World Tag Championships were taken to hospital. Although they are fine now, experts said it was touch and go for a while.

My indoor clothes dryer broke this morning.. It was the end of an airer.

I went on holiday with BA last year but it was terrible... The whole way to the airport he kept on saying, "You crazy fool, I ain't getting on no plane.”

The inventor of the snooze button has passed away. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 8:00am, 8:06am, 8:11am, 8:13am, and 8:14am

Saw a clown doing sit-ups…….how funny things work out.

There’s a lad in our office called Celsius who recently left so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him… He’s the new temp.

Imagine being at the baggage carousel and slowly realising you've got the shoddiest luggage there. That's the worst case scenario.

I was in an Indian restaurant last night when I was told REM had split up. I was so shocked I fainted and fell into my meal…….that’s me in the Korma……..🤦‍♂️

I watched that documentary about people who feel the need to deny ownership of hot drinks, and I have to say it wasn't my cup of tea.

I was staying in a hotel , when I was offered the turn down service.... I said no thank you!

The Leeds View Podcast: Something Has To Change youtu.be/RvRl-Y1OqAU New format, recorded and available on all podcast platforms. joined by Paul from The Leeds Therapy and Gerry McNamee @theleedstherapy.bsky.social @gerrymc123.bsky.social #lufc #leedsunited #leeds #49ers #podcast

Malcolm X chose that name rather than admit he’d accidentally put a kiss at the end of a text message.

I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest" He said "I don't think that's a weakness" I replied "Well I don't give a f*** what you think"

After years in and out of prison, I've now settled down with a job repairing bent archery equipment. Yep, I'm on the straighten arrow............

Really fed up with Amazon. Every time I order chicken pellets from them, I get an e-mail a few days later asking for their feed back.

The man who invented gravy granules has had the freedom of the city bistowed upon him.

What’s ET short for……because he has little legs!!!

My mate rang me last night to tell me he failed his first exam in Aboriginal music. I said, "Didja redo it?"…..He said NoOOOOooooOOOoooo