imagine if its true lol escaping a harrowing attack and running to the nearest road to flag down help, only to find out it's... America's Mayor, Rudy Giuliani? "Don't worry sweethaht, you're safe now!" and then he drives right into a ditch

blocking the entire aisle with my wide ass at the maoist zodega trying to figure out if "bell and evans" chicken is the good stuff or the bad stuff

the bazzini display at the maoist zodega is going to be resplendent

will i be able to buy municipally funded government spray at the zodega

Listen, it's simple. From 9am to 8pm I offer contrarian political analysis and moral judgement of my enemies. From 8pm onward I abuse inhalants. I have no trouble separating the two; why do you?

SGA. more like FGA. keep shooting buddy. hey (like im really helping) keep shooting buddy. thats what basketball is about

finished white lotus. no coworker that is formed against me shall spoil

if the pee tape was real this wouldn't be happening

- Call and leave a massage - Participate in effort's of your community and local place to get involved - Kill your Mom - If you're in line to vote,

i have a responsibility to tell my audience what they want to hear. and i take that very seriously

fuck tinder, fuck tiktok, fuck ticketmaster. lets smoke dust in a conversation pit

I want to make clear that, while we did employ some AI tools in post-production, it was only to enhance the authenticity of certain fricative sounds in foreign dialogue scenes and give all the titties some extra jiggle

girls get the ick when you're in zugzwang

asking everyone who enters the sauna if they want to have a "mid-off"

yall fw graven idols?

oh grampa no lets get you out of there and cleaned up

i guess my videotape heads will just be filthy then

seeing a lot of head wounds on the streets recently. might be big this spring 🌱

ME: hmmm GF (hoping I'll finally talk about how I'm handling my dad's death): what's up? ME: sounds like carseat headrest got over his long covid GF: oh ME (chuckling): maybe he'll get over his internalized queerphobia next GF: yeah. (beat) do you want that for him? ME: uhhhhhh.. no. duh?

(scrolling through my old photos with my adult children in 2050) that's you coming home from the hospital. oh and thats when we took you to the zoo. you loved the giraffe. and oh my, your first steps. oh that? hm. well. there was this twitter account. and his thing was "this is what you look like if

just got a targeted twitter ad to work for david shor lmfao

when ur 95 years old and ur main bitch gets the hentai virus <<<<<<

BrooklynDadCompliant

using one of those aluminum suitcase laptops they give military scientists to scroll a girl's media tab

Maxwell's Silver Hammer can only be equipped by Maxwell's Demon

sad to hear about gene hackman but at least he died doing what he loved: poisoning dogs

(queenily) well it's asphyxiation certainly but i don't know who would call that erotic

severance is lowkey creepy and limital spaces. it almost reminds me of the bankrooms...

ultimately it's not a very important distinction but i think people misdiagnose elon as a case of someone who's smart at STEM assuming they're automatically smart at other stuff. that's a real thing but the bigger issue is that being successful at business requires being dumb and incurious

they're lighting me like a damn bisexual!

hey here's a fun one. "i hope my parents die before they get old enough for the modest inheritance i need to afford my first home to be stolen by pig butcherers." any millennials in the crowd?

jesus christ bill burr "billionaires are bad"? that's comedy now? oh how's the airplane food taste? so fucking hack (fox news tries to blow up his car) well. and heroic, i guess

The name’s QINLIANFF. ACCYOD QINLIANFF, British suit, British spy suit two piece, 100% MI6 her majesty’s secret service MACHINE WASHABLE, separates, men’s suit tailor fit two piece classic wedding business sui

what if we made moves like there wasnt a script? you come over. ill cook "chicken a thousand ways". we'll watch roblox. who's stopping us?

the palantir ceo could switch places with taika waititi and no one would notice (meant as an insult to both)

travis kelce's brother's wife's accountant's dog's podcast is going to be fucked after this

yeah. i guess we could hold a celebrity pickleball tournament to raise funds. if we want someone to lose a fucking eye

i love how people who get really serious about weight lifting refer to it as "training". there's no subsequent phase you're preparing for

honestly: i think the mavs just forgot he's 25. he looks 32. and he's been there a while. they probably forgot he was 25! for what it's worth: i did too.

you don't have a crush you have untreated trauma and attachment issues and you're in the matrix. wake up neo

sick of this whole nation being led around by the dick by the upper crust elite patricians of kansas city missouri

heard a zoomer refer to a geological formation as a "type of vibe"

As part of the deal, TikTok has agreed to change its name to TrumpTruck. Tesla has also announced plans to change the name of the Cybertruck to the TrumpTruck, and Coca-Cola's flagship original cola beverage will similarly rebrand to TrumpTruck.

drink full and descend

i would rather die standing than wipe sitting

seems quite clear now that history will remember the biden era as the reflexive reel backwards after we stuck our dick in the pencil sharpener. regaining balance. a slow reemergence of conscious thought as the haze of panic lifts. a moment of sober reflection and consideration. and then

(dog scraping its runny-diarrhea covered asshole on the carpet and whimpering like its dying) ME (smirking): The oneshot hypothesis?

ZUCK: The real problem is that Facebook, and really all of tech, got stuck in the Longhouse. ROGAN: It's crazy that YOU got stuck there. ZUCK: Yeah. And now we're trying to figure—we have to get out. We're running full speed out of it. ROGAN (falling asleep): But it's pretty long. ZUCK: Yeah.

another candlemas with no bitches...

if you're in arrears you have to put that on your dating profile. just at the very end, one sentence. "i'm in arrears."