Being a Mormon teen was weird because when you fantasized about your celeb crush you also had to fantasize about converting them first

This is extra painful because this is the one single thing that conservatives consider to be a Civil Right

It was never about the right to bear arms. It has been about the right to sell them

Nobody wants to work anymore Oh phew I thought it was just me

Democrats: we’re so scared of seeming anti-police that we refuse to hold even one bad one accountable Republicans: we hate every public teacher

I knew newsom was bad news from day one because I’ve seen literally one 80s movie and know what a villain look like

“ICE isn’t the Gestapo. The Gestapo was…” (proceeds to describe qualities that apply to what ICE is currently doing)

I’m going to hold your hand while I say this: this is very soft what moisturizer do you use

Female ferrets are called jills. That’s just fun

Guys will say women with OF have it easy when all they’d have to do is film themselves reading romance novels aloud in a comfy chair with tea while wearing progressively bulkier sweaters

The existence of Chevy Chase implies the existence of a Ford Escape

“Why do you love birds so much?” Good question I think it all started when at a formative time in my adolescence I saw a movie in which Michelle Pfeiffer was a red-tailed hawk “Then why cats?” Ok you’re not going to believe this

More Street Fighter characters stealing each other's win victory poses.

…He'd been climbing down the chimney... his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus. Ok thank you for your time. You’ve all got my headshot? Great. I hope to hear from you all soon

Helen of Troy: whoa there’s a whole war being fought over me that’s nuts Beavers:

The law forbids taking endangered species into the high seas and yet I'm on a catamaran with a black-footed ferret and have never felt so alive.

Update on our favorite beaver kit triplets

kitty cats in STEM: sleeping, treats, eating mouses

Silly cats you act like you’ve never been fed before Later Is it noon yet I’m literally starving

The Cambridge Dictionary word of the year is smolbeanification let’s all hear it for smolbeanification

Sorry for the misunderstanding I was not giving you the cold shoulder that’s the warm shoulder. I want to be little spoon

It can be a euphemism though

You probably saw videos of a nighttime raid in Chicago. Agents rappelling from a helicopter, bursting down doors, questioning brown-skinned immigrants. We investigated -- and found little evidence to support the government’s claims about Tren de Aragua. www.propublica.org/article/chic...

Look I get publishing a broad spectrum of opinions but I already fed them this morning

The gay cardinals joke every Christmas is funny but also it’s not weird at all to see male cardinals palling around during the winter. They’re just bros and maybe they kiss sometimes but strictly as homies

Was putting my face on and missed a call from my dad. Saw this text and called him back. (This is a nice story. Also his name is not Bob. That’s what the grandkids call him. Long and unrelated story.)

Guys will be like how am I supposed to know what my wife wants if she doesn’t tell me and then berate a coworker for not anticipating the client’s needs

At 3 am Gordon Gano remembers what 8 was for. He speaks it aloud into the still darkness. The apocalypse begins

I won’t be interested until they add cities knights and seafarers

“Why do you love birds so much?” Good question I think it all started when at a formative time in my adolescence I saw a movie in which Michelle Pfeiffer was a red-tailed hawk “Then why cats?” Ok you’re not going to believe this

Just want to recapture the awe of seeing the Prince of Persia sprite running for the first time

I keep seeing that guys overwhelmingly only post themselves with sunglasses on dating apps and that simply could not be me have you seen these peepers

An account of riverine and riparian thirst traps called Only Alluvial Fans

as someone who was a teenage girl on the internet, i think making AI-generated revenge porn of a minor should get you the electric chair actually

Adventure stories usually start with an unsustainable situation waiting for an inciting event. For example Walter white had to eat turkey bacon

The monster mash isn’t actually the song. Boring joke. “Everybody” start doing the locomotion before the song came out you ding dongs. The cops in the donut shops didn’t walk like Egyptians spontaneously. Be absolutely serious

Next time you get scared of Portland imagine Ramona Geraldine Quimby laughing at you while she walks down Klickitat street to the library, roller skates and bananas in her backpack

Big dam energy

Scandal: the boxcar children only lived in a boxcar for one book and the next 160 books were about rich kids solving mysteries

I read poems I’ve written on Patreon. That’s funny, right? They’re free www.patreon.com/posts/136323...

I asked ChatGPT to call the cutie store and no one knew you lol. But then I went to the cutie store myself and everyone knew you. What ChatGPT actually did was call the same Qdoba location 15 times and make outrageous threats against the employees that fell just short of actionability

In the 90s we were told in school that we needed to save water and energy and at the time I thought it was to save the planet on which we depend but only now do I realize we were saving it all to be wasted on the worst technology in history. I wish I’d done the slip and slide more

Source: Nestling Begging Calls Resemble Maternal Vocal Signatures When Mothers Call Slowly to Embryos

“You made this bed now you have to lie in it.” Lie in bed hell yeah don’t mind if I do