“I want to be the crack head that doesn’t interfere”

“I don’t want my ass oils to end up on my face”

I wish target still had chia bars

“I think the bone in my ass was pressed down. It’s gotta be like a vein or um. And it made my legs fall asleep”

“Hey Siri schedule a new event labeled Costco for 5 PM” “OK! Custard is scheduled for 5 PM”

“Reading is fundamental“ “So it’s an ass whooping”

“What the hell is a lentil?”

I wish there was a Shazam but for scents

“McCracked off the Perc 29 wishing I wasn't in Pennsylvania”

“No you are not fine, your feet stink, sir”

“I’m bipolar” “Bitch what…” *awkward pause* “Bitch I knew you was crazy”

Birds have significantly better eyesight than us which is why I get nice and sexy to go birdwatching

“Don't follow leaders, watch your parking meters”

Excited for this coming winter! Going to dress the kitties up in gay little hoodies. 🥰

Bearing the unbearable heat makes you thankful for the next gust of wind.

“Brewing coffee directly into my cupped hands and screaming.”

I present to you a new drag queen, “Irodah Moose”.

I left an open container of bbq sauce on the passenger seat, my car smells delicious?

Judge: “What does the defendant have to say?” Me: “Your honor, I should not have chugged that jug.” @yourmementomori.bsky.social

I became a ghetto engineer making shit out of glass

A dirty martini and this

Imagine your nurse walks into your room (you’re the patient) and they say “sorry we have to take your door handles to charge them”

Everyone meet our new team member, Willie the Woach! 🪳 Here’s some fun facts about Willie: - he might actually be a bed bug - he enjoys martinis, shaken, not stirred - he enjoys bondage - he’s vegetarian - Enjoys long, slow walks on the bed

So the other day I met a homeless man on the street. He told what he's going through. I empathized (awww) and I sent him some money through Venmo. Tell me why im checking my email and the man has requested even more money from me??