We knew what woke meant just fine before y'all stole it. It had an established, agreed upon definition in common usage.

My cat: Mother, why is the bird dead? Why does the bird no longer fly for me? Me: You’re sitting on it. Cat: *long pause* Cat: MOTHER, WHY IS THE BIRD DEAD? WHY DOES THE BIRD NO LONGER FLY FOR ME?

how can a cat this tiny smell so bad

These earrings are getting compliments everywhere. And also alarmed flurries of glances. It’s funny when I’m in my mask and glasses. People stop understanding I can still see their faces even if they can’t see mine.

Me: I’ve had laryngitis for almost two months. Singing is a piece of my soul. Me: I despise losing my voice. I need to rest it as much as possible to end this nightmare Also me: *scampering around the house mimicking the “find my iPhone” alarm for five minutes straight for absolutely no reason*

𝔗𝔥𝔦𝔠𝔨𝔢𝔱 𝔓𝔞𝔯𝔢𝔦𝔡𝔬𝔩𝔦𝔞

WOOOOOOOOOO

Change in plans. Needed the backup hood I keep at my mom’s to shield my peripheral vision when my light sensitivity gets bad. What the fuck animal is this supposed to be? Werewolf? Ewok?

AI plus generations of young people with brain damage from being sacrificed to Covid by the capitalism gods is really horrifying to contemplate

I THOUGHT I JUST WALKED IN ON MY MOM’S HUSBAND GOING PEE BUT HE WAS JUST FLUSHING A BUG

Already listened to Alice’s Restaurant once today. ☺️

if you put poppin fresh in the oven what happens, do you think he'd start screaming until the moment his mouth swelled shut

Should I wear my nekkid lady earrings to thanksgiving dinner?

I love a Baskin Robbin’s ice cream cake. I would eat that with my face.

Yes, me and my naked lady earrings from @peculiarityshop.bsky.social are fabulous. Thank you for noticing.

I gave my mom what I thought was a soup-themed bath bomb some years back, but it was actually soup. She had to call my dad in to get her out of the greasy tub.

Dropped spanakopita on the floor and it’s like a phyllo dough bomb went off.

“Yes I broke the floor in an attempt to get inside this bathroom. In my defense, I am a cat and I am perfect.”

Do cats usually have a toe bean halfway up their front legs? Trying to figure out how inbred my baby kitty is and google would just give me an AI generated recipe for toe bean dip if I asked it for help.

TINY CAT ON BIG CAT

Sometimes I think it’s going to be the librarians who will save us all.

We played with her toy so much she passed out on it.

How does a teeny tiny kitten make poop the length of a freight train?

It should be legal to trap mychart in the body of an evil serial killer on death row.

How the fuck do I have a mychart after visit summary when I haven’t had a medical appointment? And while I’m on this rant, why the fuck does mychart send me eight texts, emails, and phone calls for every appointment even though I turn those settings off?

Nandi Floof’s very feral sibling, who I call Ringtail, lying on top of their momma, Nosy. Ringtail is so small and so incredibly ferocious. She’ll never let a person near her but she will ruthlessly exterminate any rodent in a five mile radius.

This morning, Floof is exploring the house while meowing nonstop. She wants me with her everywhere she goes. She and my dog have met. There was much barking. Right now, baby kitty is under a bed, purring away as long as I touch her foot. I am not allowed on top of the bed.

Okay but I do think about her all the time. Just a tall, cool lady with a shiny golden eye.

Yesterday was “stopped hiding under the furniture day” for Nandi Floof. Her journey today has been ambitious. She explored a mostly empty room. And she has progressed to “I will cry nonstop if you leave my line of sight.” Currently she is sacked out in a corner but I’m not allowed to leave the room

Once again, Floof’s daddy/grandpa Yumyan shows up for a visit solely to take her stuff (currently her food). I think we will see this look of betrayal on her little face many times.

Last night I used a kitty fishing pole toy with Floof. There’s a recliner in her room. Every time i made the ball of feathers rise to the seat of the chair, she would run behind the chair to see where it had gone. Took sooooo long for understanding vertical space to kick in.

Big daddy Yumyan materialized to show his daughter everything is cool and she’s safe. Very helpful to get the much-sought Hammerpaw endorsement.

Help, my favorite lipstick that was discontinued a decade ago has run out. 😭 Why do things end? Who made up these absurd rules? I want to speak to the manager of everything being temporary.

The kitten is not the only fuzzy animal around here.

KITTY PROGRESS!!! She has emerged from under the chair. She has defeated churus and eaten cat food. She has played with a toy, drank water, and used the litter box. Most of all she has purred and purred and purred and luxuriated in being pet. My phone is broken so her purrs aren’t very audible here

Mostly hiding under furniture but exploding into purrs every time I touch her is progress, right? It’s so hard to resist picking her up. She likes me, right??? She’ll come out soon, right??? OH MY GOD THE SUSPENSE IS KILLLLLLLIIIING MEEEEEE

So this is happening. Meet Nandi Floof, the daughter of Yumyan Hammerpaw. Though she is tiny, she has her daddy’s monstrous peets. She has only been inside since last night. We are going very slowly with this, but she purrs nonstop and I figure that’s a good sign

Got my second round of 12 vaginal nerve block injections yesterday. I am haunted by the fact that my pelvic muscle tissue is so full of trigger points that my doctor said it felt like she was pushing the needle into “crunchy” material. CRUNCHY. CRUNCHY

NEW: Epstein survivors release the most powerful PSA I have ever seen. Make this go viral so every member of the House of Representatives sees it.

I gave them a toy. This is very much a video taken by a visually impaired person, but still. Cats! Toy! (My phone is broken so there’s no sound. Alt text: A bunch of feral cats on my porch gather around a hot pink toy I just gave them. They are fascinated by it in an extremely cat fashion.)

Am I nuts or does his face kinda look like the V is for Vendetta mask?

Yumyan Hammerpaw sleeps with his mouth slightly open and drools.

I gave them a toy. This is very much a video taken by a visually impaired person, but still. Cats! Toy! (My phone is broken so there’s no sound. Alt text: A bunch of feral cats on my porch gather around a hot pink toy I just gave them. They are fascinated by it in an extremely cat fashion.)

I’m only a cat lady because i moved in next to a colony of ferals. I’m not, like, officially a cat lady ok? but what if I had three cats? That’s clearly a perfectly reasonable amount of cats. Going from no cats to three cats is fine. They don’t even really count as three. One is very small.

I’ve had laryngitis for over a month now, and I keep wondering when a handsome prince will show up, take me to his castle, treat me like arm candy, and then dump me for another woman as I turn into sea foam and die.

They’re calling her Megyn R. Kelly on TikTok

I’ve had laryngitis for over a month now, and I keep wondering when a handsome prince will show up, take me to his castle, treat me like arm candy, and then dump me for another woman as I turn into sea foam and die.