This is epic. Also look out the vaguely tedious Eurovision connections. Bonus points if you can spot the Norway connection

Lads, I might have had a positive experience with IRAS for the first time in 15 years

Shout at to the man who walked in to Keith’s just as the jazz flute solo finished and thought the applause was for him entering the room

When I was about 13 I went to the zoo and for some reason burst into tears when I saw the otters (overwhelmed by cuteness i reckon). Anyway 28 years later here’s my birthday present from my brother and sister in law.

Nothing says professional national final like giving three days to prepare after the reveal

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN. My manifesto: Sort yourselves out you’re fucking adults I ain’t settling your social squabbles. That is all.

I love everything about this song the nearly represented Finland ‘86 The incredible vocal start like Kirka just stepped on Lego The weird gurn he does after The fact that 1950s metal village hall chairs hang in the air The fact that is goes all out hard 3 minutes for such lacklustre applause

Is Conchita’s statement a real statement unless they put OFFICIAL STATEMENT at the top?

I don’t know whose hard drives need checking first, the ones who said they were ok with it or the ones who didn’t want to say

Never got an access code. Went through their 9 stage registration process and didn’t get a code. Least that solves one moral dilemma for me.

Lads are we still #CertainForTurton?

Is the appeal of Farage because he has the same poor dentition as his supporters?

I dunno maybe getting your jury to turn up at 8.30 and not starting anything til after 10, before having a huge lunch break to start at 2pm and then concluding at 3.30pm because “we haven’t got time to start another witness” might be the issue www.theguardian.com/politics/202...

In the old days of Twitter we’d do a thread of the most unhinged Eurovision fans

Sometimes I think about the Eurovision fan who told me on Twitter on horrible I was for having more than one ticket for Liverpool 2023 and then when I blocked them they followed me to TikTok to ask WHY DID YOU BLOCK ME

Post a pic of the venue where you saw your first concert and the band or artist. Catalonia in Llangollen, I think 1999

My design and tech teacher at school had one that was powered by his wrist moving and honestly he was a bellend

Why yes I am a pretentious whisky wanker

I AM table tennis.

Lads on Facebook defending it as “free speech” seriously need their hard drives checking

Christ I’m 41.

In my ongoing attempt to collect as much Eurovision tat as possible, here’s a signed photo of well known Rhyl based band FFF, who stormed to glory by coming last at A Song for Europe ‘95

I know Gervais is now terrible, but the ending to the office, Finchy being told to fuck off, Tim and Dawn finally getting together, there were a few YES moments

LOOK YOUNGER SO YOU CAN PLAY POOL AND DARTS, THATS RIGHT BOTH SPORTS AT THE SAME TIME

I am 41 years old in 3 days time, I don’t even I think I got a “my mate fancies you…” when I was a teenager

The Llandudno fake admiral story is hilarious because TikTok comments are genuinely: “Well you can’t even dress up and pretend to be the most senior person in the Royal Navy whilst honouring the dead, without the woke liberal lefties wanting him put in a gulag”

I had the oddest dream, one of my former primary school teachers, let’s call her… Mrs Aldridge, because thats her name. Came into my work as a patient and recognised me. I told her she was horrid to me and she said “I was horrid to everyone” before disappearing in a campervan.

You know, with Eurovision up in the air and all that, I thought I’d kick off the new year with some Michael Bolton

Russia are saying this. Meanwhile the government and the tories are saying woah steady on where are the facts?!

Time for the annual flogging of the books, Melfest kicks off this month, and this year we have a Swedish language version too: English: amzn.eu/d/biKG3zL Svensk: amzn.eu/d/1IsEr8v #melfest #sweden #melodifestivalan

Amazing that a former director of public prosecutions can’t decide what’s illegal this time round

ffs kier. Dropped the ball again.

No, YOU made the 2013 Eurovision butterfly with your kids jelly art set

So last night I dreamt I successfully set up The Hale Village Jazz Festival, a 3 day jazz festival in a small village hall where I grew up, with everyone camping in the local park, except I don’t know any jazz acts to book.

IM GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT, IM GOING TO GET FITTER IM GOING TO WALK MORE IM WALKING, LOOK AT ME WALK IM JUST STOPPING FOR COFFEE IVE NECKED A PASTEL DE NATA Every year.

WORST OPENING BIT EVER. Jeez I know Eurovisions a bit goosed at the moment but these are people who’d have hated their hobby even before the current tensions. It’s literally a word presented on screen to Te Deum

You people are monsters.

I know recency effects and all that but seriously 7 songs from the first 24 years of the contest making it into the #esc250 is a bit lame, specially when you consider Playboy is a BOP. Maybe a separation between old and new is needed.

Who am I kidding even the achievable one isn’t achievable

New Year’s resolutions: Achievable: stretch my hamstrings more Possibly achievable: start my business idea I’ve had for 5 years Stupid goal 1: buy a camper van Stupid goal 2: give up medicine, become a clarinet god and play the jazz clubs of the north west.

20 years ago tonight I was a New Year’s party that ended with a late losing a tooth, me causing the break up of a couple, and my mum waking up at 4am Screaming OH MY GOD PETERS DEAD, because her phone finally beeped for a text message my cousin sent 4 hours earlier. Great times.

It’s like a scene from Threads out here

15th year in a row of telling my wife that Jools’ hootenanny is actually filmed in July and her feigning surprise at this fact

Three to go YOU CAN DO IT SON #esc250

Guilty pleasure is my….well, guilty pleasure so glad to see it’s made it in this year

Because my life has gone very wrong if I’m spending my birthday in a service station hotel off the M53

I forgot to the vote in the ESC 250 so I apologise to Scott and Sudden Lights for their guaranteed 12 and 10 points.

I saw Sherie Houston in a coffee shop at Wigan station looking angry on her phone and she seemed irritated when I asked if she could move her bag so I could get past.

Tache or not?