I am in hell.

The pre-party circuit would have been fun like 25 years ago. Imagine a club night in Milton Keynes where Emily Reed and Simon Chapman have a sing off to an enthusiastic crowd

People who fart at gigs should be sent to The Hague

So you see, the evidence says there’s no difference in mortality or re-admission if you send them straight home from the ICU, or send them to the ward first. Do you want a photo Jacquline?

Christ she put her hand out and I thought it was to shake hands and I did and it wasn’t really and if you’ll excuse me I’m just going to go home and die.

Great dinner at Nalen restaurant tonight before popping next door for the pre party # MelFest

Clearly there’s been an incident in the Swedish Royal Urinal

At this stage my goal in life is some sort of John Le Mesurier type existence where I watch jazz and drink whisky until I say “it’s all been rather lovely” and drop dead

“Our tapas is bigger than Spanish but we still recommend three dishes” I am now 80% chorizo

Christ is there a window tax in Sweden?

But they have just played Take Me To Your Heaven in the Arlanda Express lift

The UK : I love it It is not clarinet friendly

Currently just stood waiting as EU passports get allowed in. Big crowd of angry frustrated people. Sovereigntys fucking brilliant

I am once again angry at the gammon for the non-EU passport shenanigans here at Arlanda airport

Sweden I am in you.

Who knew they’d give the entire airport lounge to the TikTok clarinet man…

In Japan I was told I looked like David Beckham on no less than 34 occasions including an old woman in the hospital who raised a finger slowly and said Beck - am before falling asleep.

Help I’m wearing a shirt that isn’t just solid colour and it feels all manner of wrong

At this stage with Starmers polling he should just go for broke and make a clay model of Trump shitting in a nappy, broadcast live on the one show

I quite like the drip feeding of info on the Uk entry. “He’s called look mum no computer” WELL IVE NEVER HEARD OF HIM ZERO POINTS LAST AGAIN “The songs called eins zwei drei” I HAVENT HEARD IT BUT I HATE IT “It’s in the key of E flat minor” WORST KEY EVER

When did grown ass adults forget to chew with their mouth closed? Why are people just the absolute worst now

Nice touch recreating the ‘88 set. Even if she did sing the wrong song

Sorry are the Germans in the greens room with the singers that didn’t make the final?? Jesus how bleak.

When I’m with you, is the song I would most likely listen to after this but what would it do at Eurovision. Maybe optimist cos I’m a sucker for that sort of thing

Wir haben The Darkness um haus…

Remember when Alan Partridge wanted to call his film Colossal Velocity…

Germany you either need to boost the mics or cut the clapping

Okay so it’s an updated version of Lie To Me #dasdeutschefinale It feels like every German final has a song that fits the stereotype of a late 80s BBC O level German series where a German child says how much they liebe das techno

Fuck me son Jim’s not even here to fix it for you any more

I can only assume German television still shows those insanely filthy chat line adverts that used to go out at like 6pm when we had an analogue satellite in the early 90s

Once again I as a uk fan am pleasantly surprised the Germans can recognise old songs in their national final, as if a UK final would have an arena of several thousands losing their minds to a Bardo cover

Went for Germany. I have a GCSE and might understand 5% of what’s happening

The Bulgarian jury looks like it’s being headed up by their answer to Raymond Reddington

Hasn’t the Bulgarian entry got lovely ink?

As Bulgaria decide, here’s a fun fact, a Pete-Lore if you will: I went missing in Bulgaria in 1988 aged three and was found in the kitchens of the neighbouring hotel. Or maybe Pete Turton is still in Bulgaria somewhere and I’ve been swapped in a Varna child security office.

Right people pick a national final for me

NOT NOW PIG-PEOPLE FLU

Went to the Liverpool jazz festival at the Capstone to see Zoe Rahman on piano and Arun Ghosh on clarinet this afternoon, before nipping to commune for a jazz and cake gig

Widnes - a place where kids regularly put gravy on their pasta. Where door is a two syllable word.

Funny how all the will of the people/you lost get over it are losing their minds this morning at the choices made by the people of Manchester. Also lovely to see the misinformation, how a “group of concerned observers” has morphed into “the electoral commission are concerned…”

The people who lived in the constituency and represented the population being asked to vote turned up and voted. Shocker.

This rocked up too - 8 songs all destined to be ruined by a clarinet

For anyone that cares, the B side is fucking abysmal

Has the logo been knocked up on WordArt?

Especially when most kids just want the same story told over and over. I made up a story where it turns out me and my boy were both spider man and had to figure out how to turn Blackpool tower lights back on, and I told that story for NINE SOLID MONTHS

Ahh and it was going so well.

If Canada win, the national lottery “it’s you” pointing finger can present the medals #winterolympics #curling

SkiMo is just Ron Pickering’s We Are the Champions on snow

Slay.

“Pete how have you prepared for this Saturday morning exam on R?” Well all the notes are on the floor, indexed by the arrow post it notes, down arrows are themese, along arronws are the topics in order “Pete get a fucking ring binder…”