One like and I’ll eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch right now.

gen z, they could never make me hate you im in a very serious construction meeting and a 23 year old interrupts to say “9 of you are wearing vests.”

completely forgot about how quiet offices are and how loud my stomach can be. yeah diva, go ahead and audibly digest that handful of blueberries. make sure mark from accounting down the hall knows we haven’t had lunch yet.

starting a new job AND a new stand up comedy course tomorrow. so yeah I do feel like throwing up and then writing a bit about it

I want to bleach my eyebrows but my face is already fucked up enough.

my girlfriend is recording the scenes she worked on in play dirty to send to her mom. she is a precious angel. im so proud

OK folks, here's my podcast appearance! www.youtube.com/watch?v=68Jl...

just saw graffiti that said “FEBUARY” open the schools. educate the children. im begging.

crashing out because I actually got a job and now I have to go to it?!?

just broke a fucking nail on this god damn tractor. and that’s not even the worst crime it’s committed today!

Hey so do they make cars with turn signals anymore?

in an effort to feel less nervous about a job im starting in a couple of weeks I pulled some tarot cards. these pieces of paper just told me to leave my house and get a job Assignment understood. Thank you.

hey so my money tree very suddenly died. is that good?

Just saw a tweet from a man who looked more like a rotted beet with bad facial hair that read “Sylvia Plath is overrated” Ok. Well can you pls look in the very back of the oven for me?

Half way through a book that takes place in nyc. the date is January 2001. there had BETTER be a remember me style ending to this or I will scream.

Japan just pulled off quantum teleportation. I just teleported two string cheese hot dogs right into my belly. Safe to say, it’s been an exciting day for all of us.

All I want to dress as for Halloween is Aunt Gladys

not to brag, but my dad called to say he would never turn me in for such a crime. mostly because he doesn’t care, but also because he loves me. then he said “ok just wanted to let you know. bye” and hung up

It’s 730 on a Saturday morning. My cat is laying on my chest and the other is laying near my leg. We are falling in and out of sleep. There is a thunderstorm outside. The thunder shakes the house and wakes us up each time. I am happy and sleepy and blanketed in love.

my mom just stated a rant with “here’s how I know it was an inside job” and ended that rant with “he wasn’t assassinated. he was a podcaster. they’re only called assassinations for important people” then we saw the new downton abbey movie. 10/10 sad to see the franchise end.

should I eat a hot dog before bed? one like and ill do it.

if I had a dating profile, I would put this photo on it.

if I see anyone talking about this tomorrow, im going to accuse them of forgetting about 9/11. #NeverForget

Mourning Joann Fabrics like a grieving widow

My eyes hurt from looking at my phone. But what am I gonna do? Enjoy the real world? Pfft. Yeah right.

Listen here! www.buzzsprout.com/968464/episo...

small joys this weekend. made sourdough pizza, went shopping with my dad and posed with this giant jar of pickles, let the girls explore the fairy garde, had a blue icee, and a gorgeous glass of wine with my bestie. if you’d like to share a little small joy, I’d love to hear it.

Me every year when the weather dips below 65: “Wait… should I get bangs?!”

Bad News: The grocery store changed their entire floor plan since the last time I was there. Good News: I’ve identified 5 things I can see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can smell, and 1 thing I can taste.

Wow can’t wait to listen!

Teen Vogue has always been for the girls in the realest way. This is a hill I will die on. This is an article from 2020 on police militarization. www.teenvogue.com/story/police...

wow we look good

please know that I am so hung over from exactly 2 martinis

I’ve had exactly one half of a homemade espresso martini and I have to tell you… I think the rest of the day is for sitting down.

it’s not yet illegal to eat a tomato sandwich for dinner every day for a week. just so you know.

all I want is a ginger ale without high fructose corn syrup that doesn’t taste like feet. where is it?!? I’d rather drink 50grams of cane sugar in a beverage than high fructose corn syrup.

the axe forgets, the tree remembers

Today I saw a combination Planet Fitness and Hooters. New York is so beautiful. Everyone is so right.

🚨CHICAGO QUEERS🚨 I will begin filming a interview based web series focused on queer stories in the next few months and I need to find little gay people to be my guests! Who is interested???? #lgbt #chicagolgbt

turns out, consuming depressing media wasn’t helping my depression. who could have predicted that.

this is all my mind did when I heard about Taylor

lawn boy and grass girl at your service

eating a week old rotisserie chicken. don’t tell me if that’s not good. it’s none of my business.

Everything is going to be ok

she just remembered that she doesn’t even know what taxes are

does anyone know why interviewing for jobs feels worse than getting hit by a car? just wondering.

tired, played out, weak: saying “im going to unalive myself” poetic, intelligent, one of many figs on a tree: saying “im on the path to Plath”

humans will see an underground pool untouched by humans for millions of years and literally touch the shit out of it.