My best friend is getting married next weekend, and I cannot wait to make her cry with my speech. 😈

Dylan, after listening to “Wood”: “Is she saying his dick is thousands of years old?”

Hilary Duff is so stupidly beautiful. It’s upsetting to me!!! Like how dare you!!!

With the exception of Folklore, which I loved, songs with a good beat and/or that are fun to sing are all that I want from Taylor, so I’m digging TLOAS waaaaaay more than TTPD (which I mostly hated LOL).

Why did I think starting a YA slasher novel before bed was a good idea?

Dylan, a sleepy bb: “I’m so tomorrow my short week is glad over.”

FUCK 👏🏻 YEAH 👏🏻

When I see people online, even in jest, suggest that people living in Republican-controlled states should be abandoned because of their politicians, I feel a deep heartache. New York CREATED Donald Trump and none of y’all are ever talk about it the way you disparage Alabama or Mississippi.

ME: Hmm, I’m feeling really restless and anxious for some reason. THE SCREAMING HORRORS: OOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUURRRRRROOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWHHHHHHHUUUUUUURRRAA ME: *avoiding eye contact with the screaming horrors* Maybe I should book a tattoo

HELL 👏🏻 YEAH 👏🏻

some of you need to make like travis kelce and engage with a tailor swiftly

The worst thing about And Just Like That is what they did to Steve. Justice for Steve!!!

Melany, about me: “This bitch, she loves a hot glue gun.”

Ginny: “I would never be sad to be left in a Chili’s.”

Goddamn, I love a good superhero movie. Makes me feel like I could rip a phonebook in half!!!

I LOVE SUPERMAN!

*Niles Crane looks directly at camera*

My husband was incredibly popular at this wedding. 😂

Random woman at Emily’s wedding to Dylan and me: “Y’all two are giving it the business, and you know I ain’t even mad!”

It’s so annoying how many clothing brands are like, “We’re sustainable in that we use less material because we only make up to a size 8.” 🙃

Pretty sure we can start using “unprecedented” when good things happen.

My guy, that’s what we’ve been trying to do.

Drew Daywalt, on the pink crayon’s history: “Well, that’s based on a true story because when I was little I was a misogynist! I thought pink was a girl color!”

It’s so weird to me when people don’t put stickers on their reusable water bottles. Like… that’s the whole point.

Britny, out of context: “Maybe all cats are Nazis.”

God bless Jason Mantzoukas. What a goddamn delight to have him on Taskmaster. The perfect person to represent the U.S. 😂

Yeah, SINNERS was a banger.

“Simple Song” by The Shins goes so hard.

Bryan, before singing “Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue”: “I figured that since this is a night we’ll always remember, we should go back to a time we’ll never forget.”

Dylan: “Melany, just give it up to the Lord. Let Jesus plan your wedding.”

I’m so mad that I was sick the entire week we were in London AND that I am STILL SICK NOW!!! What if I never stop coughing?! WHAT HAPPENS THEN?!!!

Things I’m most looking forward to back in Austin: our bed, ceiling fans, my Chacos (I’m never wearing closed-toed shoes again, I swear to God!), the puppies, Topo Chico, driving my car

Aside from the fact that we hiked an ancient volcano yesterday, literally everything in Edinburgh is uphill, and I am SORE. If I don’t come back from the honeymoon with a perfect 🍑 then I’m suing!

Me, every time a Scottish person tells me “cheers”:

Almost been awake for 24 hours and still don’t make it to our final destination for another five hours and we wanna die, but at least we’re on our honeymoon!!! 🫠🎉🙃✈️

Small English child to their siblings while waiting to board our flight: “I feel like the only reason you want to go back to England is because we have a humongous TV.”

Today is my birthday! I’ve taken the day off to enjoy my city like I do every year, and I’m sitting at Jo’s on South Congress thinking how lucky I am and how fucking cool it is that I’ve built a life here in Austin, this city I still love even with all its changes and frustrations. What a life!

Melany, out of context: “My eggs are fully deviled in there.”

My regular barista at Easy Tiger had their last day today, and they gave me a free coffee when I stopped by on my lunch break to say bye. 🥹

I finally set up Apple Pay for the first time ever, and it makes me feel VERY FANCY.

WHY AM I SO ITCHY WHAT IS HAPPENING

4 AM should not exist 🥴

“I find it frustrating and lazy that men don’t get involved,” Ryan Hamilton said. “Why are you not out here going, ‘How dare you?’ … You’re happy to let your wife or daughter go out and tell their nightmare story over and over again while you sit your lazy ass at home?”

The irony is that that speech did not at all communicate "I've been here before and I understand how it works."

ADRIEN, MY GUY

“Well, we’re almost halfway through the show, which means it’s time for Kendrick Lamar to come out and call Drake a pedophile.” 😂

It should be illegal for streaming services to not have complete series at a time!!!

“The horrors persist, so you’ve gotta have a giggle.” @tiawilliams.bsky.social at @bookpeople.bsky.social 💕

It’s possible I’ve never laughed harder in my LIFE than when I just suggested Melany sing “Party People” (by Nelly feat. Fergie) at karaoke.

🙃🙃🙃