While disallowed from doing jobs they want to do and would be good at

Really wish Tesla autopilot were not legal. Feels like every day now on the freeway I'm trying to merge and I see the driver fully not looking at the road. Buddy I don't know what settings you got on there but I need to at least SUSPECT you see me

Hot take: most men should be disqualified from sports due to their high testosterone levels. I take a hard line on juicing

It just occurred to me that Joanna Newsom COULD come out of retirement and make an album about motherhood and now I'm like, oh no, I don't want anything else in the world more than I want this

[at job interview] yes, I'm applying to the census bureau to use data to answer the questions America really cares about. Like what percent of married couples were born in two distinct cities mentioned in "April 29, 1992"

This morning I felt my rage rising inside me about something but I successfully interrupted it before my whole body bursted into flames. Please clap

Recently realized that my gaydar got weird in the last couple years and I consistently assume people are gay and then it turns out they're straight. I've always to some extent leaned that way but it's gotten silly recently. Happy pride, I probably think you're a homosexual so this month is for you!

Using increasingly silly adjectives trying to Google a shirt I saw this lady wearing at the school carnival. HUGE pointy collar. LOUD lobster print. Trying "clownish" UGH I WANT THIS SHIRT SO BAD

Embarrassingly the very first thing that popped into my head was "incense and peppermints" by the strawberry alarm clock. Why am I like this

Just saw a kid in heelys at the elementary school carnival. Respect

Eating cold leftover tortellini with chopsticks. The American revolution happened so I could have this weird lunch and I for one thank our founding fathers

If you'd move from Washington to Texas or Florida over taxes you never deserved to live in Washington in the first place

Getting this feeling like a lot of AI enthusiasm is just people realizing why enslavers were so into slavery. Like it strikes something visceral in a certain sort of person to tell an apparently intelligent being what to do and have them truly incapable of a no

Donned the enormous pants of a middle aged Japanese woman this morning. Girding my loins for the busy day to come

In a negotiation with a trumpian negotiator and it fucken sucks. No interest in closing a deal just wants to humiliate and annoy us so he can feel like he won

The hurricane names this year seem to be targeted at me personally and I'm not thrilled about it. What's gonna fuck the country up worse, my husband, my ex or my sister

Wild ride on the Anacortes ferry this morning. Woo hoo

What's with the lyrics to "all shook up". "I'm itching like a man on a fuzzy tree"? "Her lips are like a volcano that's hot"? It's unusually strange even for Elvis right? How was this received by the audience of the day

Talking around the table about what we'd name a boat if we had a boat and my ten year old is all in for "9/11"

My kid, on the toilet, pooping: "I know it...I can feel it...not with my hands, but with my heart"

www.lightspeedmagazine.com/fiction/bear... this is my favorite short story of all time. I reread it probably twice a year and every time I love it more.

Genuinely laugh out loud funny top headline and photo. Trump looks like his teacher put him in a dunce cap

Grim and dreary world goth day to all

Isn't that what we're all searching for in midlife... clothing that creates the illusion of a waist...

Oh my god. Trump was playing the long game this whole time. He started the war in Iraq so he'd have an excuse not to go to Don Jr's wedding in the Bahamas

The distinct satisfaction of knowing Google Maps is giving me incorrect route advice. One of my life's purest pleasures at the moment. Coming in 7 minutes before their ETA like "that exit sure was closed, huh bitch???"

Performance fleece? I'll be there at 9!

Nonprofits are so weird. Can anyone rec a good history of nonprofits in America? How did we get to where we are?

OMG everyone told me how much I would like this show, why didn't I LISTEN

That thing's operational!

Melania Trump infesting the White House with bees is the funniest thing no one's talking about right now #Bees #WhiteHouse

Me to my kindergartener: "what's wrong, small human, you haven't touched your Nutrient Cube"

Making little "former acolyte in Armenian church" jokes as I go about my day that nobody in my family understands

I'm gonna do it y'all. It's still hard to watch the grieving parents at the beginning but the difference is I've spent a LOT more time in Fall City and North Bend since the last time I bounced off it and watching now brings me the same pleasure as anything else filmed in a neighborhood I know

no one has ever learned more about what I do for a living than a phlebotomist who is humoring me

New Dorp New York... gargoyles, garglin oil...

Just texted my bestie I FOUND THE TEETH

The teeth are still missing, in case you were wondering. Thinking about posting up a reward around town

Just realized that although I don't really karaoke ever, my obvious karaoke song is "non je ne regrette rien" and now I'm kinda sad karaoke isn't a part of my life. Cause man I been belting that song in the car regularly since the moment I learned to drive

Ya I've got Hondavirus, who doesn't? Take the hybrid Civic for a test drive and tell me you're immune

God, I've just never been so lonely in my whole entire life. I'm inventing new categories of loneliness. I'm on my own damn planet

I am FULLY DONE with this fucking day

My big chore for the day is locating my vast collection of human teeth

A Gulliver's Travel, in theaters Christmas 2027

Happy mother's day to all my fellow milfs

My kids and sister are making a really, really weird piece of electronic music about salsa and laughing so hard

Eavesdropping on my daughter telling her aunt that if I'd let her she'd spend all her hongbao money on lollipops

I'm glad Miranda Priestly is a fictional character because she's the kind of person I'd absolutely set my life on fire for and the moral of the movies is "don't do that, in any capacity"

11:10 Thursday showing of the devil wears Prada surprisingly well populated. I was thinking it was gonna be just me in here

WHAT AREN'T THEY TELLING US