Due to the refusal of additional funding to TSA during a time of heightened threat, they have replaced drug sniffing dogs with drug sniffing fleas, which fortuitously happened to be particularly attentive learners while on a drug sniffing dog during its training

I am going to visit Pete Hegseth in a dream dressed as the ghost of Christmas future

Bespoke faerie trap

People thinking they just made a point when they say people who work for weapons manufacturers can’t get a higher paying job anywhere else. Like yeah. That’s why I get paid less than someone who works there. If I threw a coin at your head it would make a hollow ‘tink’ sound

Gf says I can’t go on survivor bc I’d get in trouble for saying ‘fuck my stupid life’ too much

Baturday Bat World Sanctuary

I am like if a farmer who used to have two trowels had one trowel and lost it ever day

More like the down jones lol

Just moved from gas to electric cooktop and I suddenly can’t use my cast iron without setting off the smoke alarm help

Baltimore city never even stops pushing the limits of what qualifies as a street worthy street

Found out the orange chocolate truffle in a dollar store heart is peoples least favorite??? Is it really true for everyone? Orange is my #1 I always saved it for last as my fav

Baltimore city never stops pushing the limits of what qualifies as a “street worth vehicle”

NYT will be like “you will not believe how democracy is crumbling. Anyway our next sponsor is Palantir.”

Reporter: Do aliens exist? Obama: *chuckles* Technically no, a time ghoul is from Earth. Just not today’s Earth

What do you guys want from me

I can’t wait to go to the library later

You really have to keep your wits about you around farmers bc they will just be saying things like “people used to train a tree to grow in an arch so their descendants they’d never meet could have and arched door one day.” And then just move right on

Got winded trying to make my cat hyper

I wake up at any sound in the world and have nightmares every time I dream but I love sleeping so much I can’t imagine how a normal sleeper must feel

Every day I will come home from work and tell my gf I’m going to go shower then she will be sitting on the couch and I will show her pictures of piebald deer and recap the news for 20 minutes while standing next to the couch and not showering

I spend 20% of my days being strange and quiet which is touch bc once you establish yourself in a new space on a strange and quiet day it becomes difficult to be like “just kidding everyone!”

Newfangled litterboxes are out of control. You’d think my cat was going on an Apollo mission

Everyday I become more insane which is actually giving me the audacity to do the things I need to do to regain my sanity so it many ways it works out

Jay-Z moves in mysterious ways

How are you gonna do a skate routine to Lenny Kravitz and not have your pants split and your dick flop out?. it’s the easiest sport for it to happen during. Unreal.

Everyone hope I don’t get in trouble

Sometimes when some leaves you from snuggling in your bed it feels so wretched and lonely I cannot imagine what postpartum must be like

I’m the worlds least militant cast iron user

It’s contingent upon what type of stuff you can do there, really

I hope heaven is real bc i have some pretty funny ideas for how to welcome my loved ones who outlive me

I hope they sing American idiot and that they say the whole line before the Super Bowl

They’re making Toy Story 5 but tom hanks is too old. I won’t say WHO is replacing him but let’s just say that in this one Woody says “bumboclaat”

Im glad MySpace designers still have a job with olt

Tough when you ask for a book rec And people give the “right” answer. I don’t want to know the smartest book you ever read. I would never ask something like that. Tell me about something with a creature in it or perhaps a spell. Tell me the book you are embarrassed the most about loving!!!

They haven’t come up with a word for the gender I’ve got going on but I will say this: While my gf was in California for 3 days I became completely stupid and dimwitted

I don’t care about vampires

Compelled by the worldview of people whose excuse for not knowing how to do stuff like cooking and cleaning is ‘nobody ever taught me.’ This isn’t the hobbit bro the wizard ain’t coming to teach you how to make chicken and clean the tub

My roommates refuse to let me teach them baseball

Tomorrow I may pay off my student loans in full. Financial advisors everywhere will be feeling a vague foreboding in the air. Something, somewhere, stupid will have happened

One like and I send this to all the unsaved numbers in my phone

I’ve never even seen a normal colored herring

I bet after that meeting zohran could have emperors new clothes’d trump but he missed his chance

I am going to write a book about a 100 year old worm

He is obsessed with her even though she hates him beyond belief

Cosmically lucky beyond belief but mundanely cursed

My gf and I sleep in separate beds and we’ve invented something called “the rules of my bed” which you can introduce extemporaneously while in your bed it’s a really promising premise

I may have knife technique that “makes other people scared for me” in the kitchen but my station stays sparkling flea

Coed mlb is my dream

Honestly I don’t even care if cis men play on women’s sports

Anise scented goldenrod