Waking up masc is fr like which of human shreks two looks will I be choosing today

Listening to tucker Carlson interview with NYT makes me feel not unlike watching the Kardashians . One second he says something so outlandish followed by something surprisingly cogent but ultimately I am looking to be entertained

There’s simply no way I’d recognize this woman in the wild

Just learned her birth name is Kesha

I get the non-US instinct to blame American citizens but I do get tired of seeing constant nonspecific calls to action when foreign sanctions and intervention would be way more effective than our protesting or voting since opposing representation is just getting illegally bypassed by the executive

Everyone should be more obsessed with the life cycle of the salmon

I’m by no means a swiftie but I’d be so interested in having her as a roommate. Gf says Timmy chalamet because “I could whip him into shape” as I can’t get her to not think of it as a Wife Swap situation

They should have a boarding program for celebs where a working family hosts a celeb at their home for a while just to get normal life. They can’t spend any money but what they make at a job in the town. An ordinary life is precious and nobody should miss out

We eat so few of the edible greens available to us it’s crazy bc chickweed, dandelion, dead nettle salad in a vinaigrette dressing sounds delicious

I love texting middle aged people bc it’s a safe space to ellipsis out and go ham on the dots like I yearn to do

Bruh I wouldn’t even trust JD Vance to order the takeout over the phone

Would you say my gf rolling on the floor laughing while we practice my phone call to appeal an irs penalty is a good or bad sign

Everyone who uses ai bc “it’s going to take over inevitably” is a cartilaginous fish. I could tie your backbone into a balloon animal

The path to happy things will not be paved with horrors on My Farm. When I have My Farm. You all will see. Because it will be Our Farm and there will be lambs

Nothing can stop me from wearing sweatpants to the club

Yesterday I got so stressed while getting my blood drawn bc the room was kind of messy and on a desktop computer 2.5 ft from me, not full screen, they were playing a YouTube ai narrated video about Trayvon Martin out loud

There is always someone trying to usher in the end times which is keeping me from building those Jackson galaxy platforms so my cat will stop biting my friends on the head

I couldn’t be a phlebotomist bc I’m a natural born ender of conversations

Every so often you and your friends who use the opposite bathroom must have a state of the union on the status quo and current behavior in the bathroom you each do not enter

Dentist today said I have a “tricky bite” bro just say my teeth don’t fit together on the top and bottom. you think I haven’t noticed such an incongruity in my own mouth

Ai had never even compelled me bc I can already see whatever I want in my mind

Due to the refusal of additional funding to TSA during a time of heightened threat, they have replaced drug sniffing dogs with drug sniffing fleas, which fortuitously happened to be particularly attentive learners while on a drug sniffing dog during its training

I am going to visit Pete Hegseth in a dream dressed as the ghost of Christmas future

People thinking they just made a point when they say people who work for weapons manufacturers can’t get a higher paying job anywhere else. Like yeah. That’s why I get paid less than someone who works there. If I threw a coin at your head it would make a hollow ‘tink’ sound

Gf says I can’t go on survivor bc I’d get in trouble for saying ‘fuck my stupid life’ too much

Baturday Bat World Sanctuary

I am like if a farmer who used to have two trowels had one trowel and lost it ever day

More like the down jones lol

Baltimore city never even stops pushing the limits of what qualifies as a street worthy street

Baltimore city never stops pushing the limits of what qualifies as a “street worth vehicle”

NYT will be like “you will not believe how democracy is crumbling. Anyway our next sponsor is Palantir.”

Reporter: Do aliens exist? Obama: *chuckles* Technically no, a time ghoul is from Earth. Just not today’s Earth

What do you guys want from me

I can’t wait to go to the library later

You really have to keep your wits about you around farmers bc they will just be saying things like “people used to train a tree to grow in an arch so their descendants they’d never meet could have and arched door one day.” And then just move right on

Got winded trying to make my cat hyper

I wake up at any sound in the world and have nightmares every time I dream but I love sleeping so much I can’t imagine how a normal sleeper must feel

Every day I will come home from work and tell my gf I’m going to go shower then she will be sitting on the couch and I will show her pictures of piebald deer and recap the news for 20 minutes while standing next to the couch and not showering

I spend 20% of my days being strange and quiet which is touch bc once you establish yourself in a new space on a strange and quiet day it becomes difficult to be like “just kidding everyone!”

Newfangled litterboxes are out of control. You’d think my cat was going on an Apollo mission

Everyday I become more insane which is actually giving me the audacity to do the things I need to do to regain my sanity so it many ways it works out

Jay-Z moves in mysterious ways

How are you gonna do a skate routine to Lenny Kravitz and not have your pants split and your dick flop out?. it’s the easiest sport for it to happen during. Unreal.

Everyone hope I don’t get in trouble

Sometimes when some leaves you from snuggling in your bed it feels so wretched and lonely I cannot imagine what postpartum must be like

I’m the worlds least militant cast iron user

It’s contingent upon what type of stuff you can do there, really

I hope heaven is real bc i have some pretty funny ideas for how to welcome my loved ones who outlive me

I hope they sing American idiot and that they say the whole line before the Super Bowl

They’re making Toy Story 5 but tom hanks is too old. I won’t say WHO is replacing him but let’s just say that in this one Woody says “bumboclaat”