ah thanks boss for ending our check-in early and giving me seven minutes back. might fuck around and write a sonnet that makes the angels question their nature before our team stand-up

Scheduling daylight savings on international women’s day so that we lose an hour of female respecting time 😒

/r/thriftygifting /u/3footlocks what should I (29) get my husband (32) for Christmas? We don’t have a lot of money and he already has a beautiful gold pocket watch UPDATE: thanks for the advice, found a buyer for my hair! so excited for DH to unwrap his watch chain UPDATE 2: fuck you guys

just got back from my Shark Tank pitch for Cacao Gummies. it was going great until the guy from Marty Supreme destroyed the (very clever!) portmanteau I came up with for a brand name

just moved to a desolate and forbidding moor and honestly it’s really chill. I’d love to see this ever-present fog try to envelop me in madness

dawg I hate to tell you this but…ya girl Morfryd furnished me with a clothbound ration of provisions for my journey north. no, nothing kingly, but it was nourishing as hell. well I think the horse was her dad’s but. yeah it’s a piebald gelding

A bluesky highbie tried to put me in a starter pack once

When eating chips out of the bag, one must continue until one surfaces the Goated Morsel, possessed of the the crunch, the heft to sate the hardiest treatman. And if the Goated Morsel never comes? So be it. We stay snacking

"sloptimization" on my woty candidates to watch list

This is good, you should read it

New writing up at Welcome To Hell World! I went to a pop-up art exhibition that inspired a piece on the tech-enabled, emotionally blunted cultural “movement” I call Sloptimization: www.welcometohellworld.com/its-cozy-in-...

few things more satisfying to me than a seamless, efficient trip from the airport on public transportation. It’s possible and it’s good for the soul

pondering life’s mystery, its glittering complexity (imagining Juliette Binoche pronouncing the word “squirrel”)

The Last Jedi is the only post-Lucas Star Wars release with a credible claim on being Art in addition to Product, and the only one we will ever get

Barbara Stanwyck, The Only Allowable Republican

this has “charlie brown had hoes” energy. No you don’t Justin. You don’t believe that

restaurants that claim “homemade seasonal preserves” but don’t cook the fruit to a high enough temperature to activate the damn pectin, YOU 🫵🏻 are the “Oaf of the Day”

9/11 equaling 0.81818181!!!!! instead of it being 9/11

I love to join a zoom meeting to introduce myself as the bridge between Sales and our Client Success team before checking DraftKings for 45 minutes. I make $375,000 a year

her: hey me: (desperately trying not to send her the poster for Nicholas Nickleby (2002)) hey her: my roommate’s visiting her sister me:

Tried some malört. It’s normal don’t be a baby

you summon one (1) eldritch horror, all-seeing and unblinking

I’ve been calling around and listening closely and you know what? I don’t think anyone’s menu options have “recently changed.” it’s all a smokescreen

One of Mandani’s videos made me believe the subway car was really coming at me and that’s why I’m leaving New York for a fortified compound outside Greensboro North Carolina

here’s the first time anyone will ever associate me with the concept of a “Good Poster”

Pellegrino is designed for fey Europeans to drink at room temperature. If you handed an average Italian a crispy cold Topo Chico you’d be arrested

my first thought was not “actors thrust into a life or death situation” but “Amy Klobuchar blackface”

got a life-changing job interview coming up and my mom suggested I make an AI-generated video of two celebrities as babies discussing why I’m the man for the job

Jacksoff Pollock Fish Breeders since 1922

Igor Stravinsky your heart too big. Your themes too different. Your double-reed orchestrations too sensitive. Too much Parisian pedagogical wisdom. Your mid-century modern LA house too sick. They’ll kill you

The “peaceful protest” thing reminds me of a brand client who said “we want this campaign to be a ‘positive protest’ against the status quo.” When we told them you only protest when things are bad they said “but what if you were just playfully angry?” You can find their organic tampons at Erewhon

wake up babe new asparagus just dropped

a what now

tom bombadil tom bombadil wife goldberry height goldberry feet goldberry feet normal hey dol merry dol ring a dong dillo

under a McLeemz Administration there will be a catalog of Canonized Movies that you can watch any time you want. no American Taxpayer should have to pay their hard-earned money to watch The Fugitive

every man has an outré fantasy he revisits to normalize himself in times of emotional turmoil. mine is to rear-end a motorcycle cop while using my gas and brake pedals to play the double-bass part of “One” by Metallica

The wasteful, prurient opulence of the caviar bump is the perfect image. The conservative relishes consumption but not nourishment, cooking as destructive and denaturing but never transformative. A chef may be conservative, but as with poetry or comedy, there is no such thing as Conservative Cuisine

i’m sorry but the topics that become discourse on this website every day are loser shit. Speed cameras, bluesky user numbers, fascism, etc. what if we all coalesced around a years-long obsession with the provenance and supply chains of cacao pods [throwing my voice] yeah he has a point

ba da da da dah I’m wokin’ it

[being hoisted] oh god. it’s mine, isn’t it

you’re getting your pussy ate when you hear me call out: “do you like that?” “a little higher” you reply. “How about now?” Then you look down—such clarity of diction. that voice couldn’t possibly be his. you’re right. welcome to the future of Agentic AI

undergoing elective Tommy John surgery to increase my cranking velocity

don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. although it’s given up its flavor it may still be used to thicken a sauce

I lived bitch

Guy in front of me at the farmers market sniped all 18 remaining bunches of the Good Asparagus. Oh are you gonna charge $18 for it? wood roast it? Top it with mint and lemon zest and pine nuts and bread crumbs? Sounds delicious I hope you DIE you farm to table ass bitch

it says a lot about society that today’s doctors are named “Jeff” or “Mira” instead of “Dr Dudley Bumpus”

I wouldn’t say I hated taking my kid to hear “Pink Pony Club” at an old church, but Chappell Roan chaperone chapel groan

he’s trying to post like the big man but forgot to capitalize random nouns…no sauce, loser behavior

I love Tom Hardy’s lazy, begrudging 4/5 star review of Vertigo