I just fell asleep so hard that when I woke up I asked my husband what time it was and when he said, “It’s 6!”, I freaked out because I have to be to work at 4 a.m. and I thought I was late. And he’s like, “damn girl, it’s still Sunday.”

This show is made up of dudes who probably call into Tales from the Golden Road all the time.

I’m going to see a band called Jerry’s Middle Finger tonight! LFG.

Did you know that the biscuits have only played HAB twice this year?! What in the fuckin’ fuck? Play HAB, you guys. Jeez.

I just found out on IG that Arcteryx jackets are $800 and I blocked them.

I can’t tell I need to get back on the Peloton because I just got winded bending over to tie my shoes.

The couple who ride on the scooters together look like the biggest twats in the universe.

Play Shelby, you cowards.

For the first time since Kindergarten I get to go to my kid’s Thanksgiving lunch. I’m so excited. Horrible food but the best vibes.

Picasso Moon is such a weird Bobby song. Jesus.

The F in NFL stands for fascism. #nfl #nofunleague #nofutureleague

Our retard President just said he loves the Jets and he loves the Giants. My husband: “No he doesn’t. That’s fucking IMPOSSIBLE.” Please get this trash off of my football game. He’s going to jinx the Lions.

Him “Wait, Falling 303?! Is that a song?” Me: “Oh honey, you’ve been away for so long.”

I’m making Taiwanese beef noodle soup tonight and I can’t even with the smells in my home right now.

More like digital butthole.

Crazy that Dick Cheney and the disco biscuits died the same week.

Crazy that the disco biscuits and Donna Jean died in the same week.

Donna Jean 💔

Brandi Carlile is magic. Plain and simple.

My kid keeps counting her Halloween candy as she goes house to house and I’m all, “It’s not the pile, it’s pilin’ it high.”

More like a butthole of positivity.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=jlp-... Thank you for saying that, AI Eminem.

This shit is bananas.

The Blue Jays, baby ⚾️

Blue Jays vs. Dodgers is dreamy baseball. Let’s go Jays!!!

Ugh. I went to the eye doctor yesterday and he gave me a prescription for BIFOCALS. What the fuck?! I turn 45 and immediately need bifocals. 😭😭😭

I’m having a very Canadian day. Let’s go Jays!

Me as tears are streaming down my face after watching the Expos doc and Zach is trying to put on the John Candy doc: “No, don’t! I can’t watch a doc about another Canadian tragedy today!”

The show is called Nobody Wants This because not even the audience cares about the characters.

This country is failing so fast and now my favorite band isn’t going to be my favorite band anymore and nothing is ever going to be good again.

Let’s go Blue Jays!!!!!

Omg, who’s watching, The Chair Company?

Not anti-social but like Hello..please don't sit next to me.

Tho hottest of hot flames 🔥🔥🔥

Our kid is making us dinner tonight. When I asked what was on the menu I heard pizza puffs and I’m not complaining.

This guy I thought I had a crush on at work asked a customer today if the NFL was still in preseason and a crush has never nosedived so quickly before. I literally got unhorny when he said that.

The NFL REALLY wants you to ask your Doctor about Tremfaya.

I get one beer deep at the brewery and then completely disassociate and just sing all of the songs that come on.

Cancelled Spotify but where do I go from here?

Cops make me want to 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

I’m pretty sure when I leave the house my husband watches the Baywatch channel.

I want the disco biscuits to jam on the chill music from Dr Mario.

The Lions play tonight, my husband is making dinner, and it’s my Friday. Fuck yeah! Fuck the Chiefs!!!!

Espresso Martinis are for people who pretend they don’t like to mix coke and weed.

My husband: “He’s okay but he wants to be Sammy.” Me: “Immmm, could more people apply for that job, please?!”

There’s a band on stage at Ceres right now and the female singer is so much better than the rest of the band it’s honestly insane. Holy fuck.

I saw, The English Patient, for the first time yesterday and, OMG, I’ll never recover 😭.

Tough loss for the Yankees last night but the Blue Jays are looking so good. I hope they take it all the way.

Omg first day off in over three weeks and I get to cook my family enchilada with jalapeño cream sauce. I’m back, baby 🪄