Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful moms out there making the world go round. 🫡

Wishing a Happy MayDay to all who celebrate.

So..much..irony. I need a tetanus shot.

If the president can have his own way of calculating percentages, then I'm making up my own fucking way of calculating my taxable income.

Doctor costumes for Halloween are gonna be WILD this year.

Why did the peace talks fail? Do they not have nice couches in Islamabad?

I just walked past a conference room that's hosting a symposium called "Welcome to AI in HR" and I've never been more fucking terrified.

Trans Day of Visibility is tomorrow. #TDOV #ProtectTheDolls

HIS SUPPORT HAS DROPPED 8,000% !!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!

The incels when they learn that Punch the monkey got a girlfriend before them:

I just realized that the incoming college freshmen are the class of 2030. I will be out on the ledge if anyone needs me.

file sent to me: manuscript_file_final_version.docx subsequent file sent by me: manuscript_file_thats_fucking_adorable.docx

I've decided to scrap my current grant application and instead just ask for some king crab legs. More likely to get government funding that way.

They're all going to die someday anyway, right???? 🤡

I'm not reading all that. But here are some chocolates.

Live your life in such a way that the crowd at the Olympics doesn't BOO the fuck out of you for being in attendance.

www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/... Stafford received 24-of-50 first-place votes while Maye got 23. That’s basically a tie. They should have been declared as co-winners (and I’m currently not a Patriots fan!)

"legally blind" implies that there are also folks who are illegally blind, and that's fucked up.

impeach Punxsutawney Phil

I'm old enough to remember when FIFA peace prizes actually meant something.

Radical Left Scum ✊

Until AI becomes capable of submitting grant proposals that are Not Discussed, my job is safe.

final_version🤞_no_seriously_this_time🙏

Using my Soros check to buy some Tylenol and a circumcision.

Brotherly shove 4 eva 😎

Cool story. Now criticize their royal family the same way we talk about our presidents and let me know how that turns out.

Getting bored waiting for this rapture so I think I'm g...

He must have taken Tylenol.

Wife: Stop staring like that! Me: Hang on. I'm assessing your mitochondrial burden.

Those goddamn windmills!!!!!!

Wait until Mother hears about this.

Going to try out for that open drummer position for Spinal Tap! Wish me luck!!!

radioactive wasps vs radioactive shrimp:

Hey Grok, draw a picture of me playing a tiny violin.

🖕🖕

You realize the kind of work she did, yes?

If they're looking for criminals, there's a giant fucking building at the far end of the Mall where they can start.

As stressful as it is to run a laboratory in the US right now, my thoughts are often with the NIH staff living in the awful chaos trying to preserve the whole enterprise. I’m grateful for every moment they choose not to give up. These people are the only thing keeping it from entirely collapsing.

See?! Economics is easy!

BioRender: Announcing our "Funding Crisis Survival Guide"! Me: Oh cool. Maybe they will announce plans to make things more accessible and affordable given the current challenges. BioRender: LOL WUT???

I'm so sorry I missed this message.

If you see this, quote with the energy you bring to Bluesky

Is that bad? I feel like that's bad.

Sure, but when I write this on the classroom whiteboard in permanent marker I'm "not being professional".

This is the way.

You want to pick on immigrants!? PICK ON WILLIE!

Chewy, I'm gonna need you to Calm. The Fuck. DOWN.