Personally I feel that there should be a clause in the constitution that says if you have children your abs will disappear. Stop having time for the gym and a healthy diet. Why are you not having your life force drained by your baby.

Chose to be nice instead of nasty to someone grumpy and petty, please clap for my spiritual enlightenment

Hot guys having kids feels illegal

Absolute crime wave. Thank god Citizen is keeping me informed.

Sometimes I really hate YT because creators will just be scaring people for clicks Iran *does not* have nuclear weapons

Ocean eyes 🌊

Grandmother Willow explaining to Pocahontas all the colors she can paint with

So I like how I’m salaried, not hourly, but my paycheck was still $85 smaller than usual in February…but my rent was still the same. By that logic I should have $60 less to pay in rent.

8 years ago I got fired by a former employer and I’ve always felt bad about it - until today when I read that they’ve been fined $42M for conspiring to torture inmates at the Abu Ghraib prison during the Iraq war with the US military and were likened to “pirates” by the 4th Circuit So fuck yall 😌

How about instead of that we kidnap him and spirit him away to a retirement community where he can enjoy golf and other leisurely pursuits?

Country girls make do (omg)

IT WAS 82 YESTERDAY

Is that… The popcorn bucket? Yeah. It is.

I would love a good 3X paycheck plus a solid Take Two Weeks Off

I hate when coworkers are funny bc I heard the “another day in paradise” conversation and the other person replied with “I wish eve would eat the apple and get me the fuck out of here” 😭😭😭

They should make something with a pick-me-up effect greater than coffee but less than cocaine that is FDA approved to be sold over the counter and has the sex appeal of smoking

M Y P R E C I O U S

Kacey Musgraves really is a powerful artist Got all these blown-out ran-through gay guys talking about “dry spell” diva please you people are about as dry as the English countryside in December 😭

A devoutly Christian Democrat who actually walks the walk instead of being a hypocritical, power hungry heretic like __every Republican who professes to be a person of faith__?? Fuck yes

The hardest thing in the world is having to offer smiles and encouragement to the bright eyed youths who are brand new at your job when you spiritually left months ago and have been sending out resumes like Democratic fundraising texts

Omg not NOW KIM

Also what’s the etiquette when a friend says “Hey, so-and-so wants your number” And then you don’t respond bc you’re not interested in giving it but not so offended that you’d say “no don’t do that” But the friend gives it out anyway And this person texts you?

“Buffalo wing flavored espresso proteini” Tell the ayatollah we’re ready

When pirates arrive to the X Marks the Spot but another crew got there first ☹️🏴‍☠️

Of age…for a PG movie? What are we measuring here bc 👀

He can’t die soon enough

Pharaoh Akhenaten circa 1353 BC when he decided to create a new state religion for Egypt

“Here’s why” What kind of slackjawed imbeciles are reading Marketwatch

We should be transitioning to renewables as fast as we can for a number of reasons. The planet is #1. Geopolitical reasons are #2-1,000

Holy shit stock market cratering That’s the Trump effect for ya - financial markets don’t like instability. Hamfisted lunatics are bad business.

Do these idiots not realize how catastrophic a draft would be for their regime You’re illegitimate & unpopular; your survival rests on violent coercion and lies & you want to INVITE THE MASSES, WHO HATE YOU, into the armed forces, train us, and give us guns and access to the US military apparatus?

This…feels like a war crime.

I need a boyfriend at social functions to protect me from other men’s phone numbers Who wants to make me their bbygirl 🥺

How do you politely refuse exchanging numbers with someone you’ve just met

Off to the ball

I’m sorry who is the target demographic for this product

We will come back from this because these people aren’t Americans. They have abdicated our values and removed themselves from our society. They are an occupying force that doesn’t belong to us.

To be intelligent, learned, worldly; to know people and understand the way things are - is to accept immense grief into your heart. It is a burden that might break you until you realize its purpose is to transform your spirit.

Drunk! In the bar bathroom Always in this damn mirror on the pee break during trivia (we lost this week)

The Lyric Theater in Baltimore, MD, the hometown of our Luigi ❤️

Rubio: “Let me tell you, Iran is run by lunatics, religious fanatic lunatics.”

I went to go look up this Texas race and saw the primary challenger was a guy named Steve Toth who was unknown to me so I googled him and he went to Pittsford Mendon High School, 15 minutes down the road from where I grew up in Rochester, NY?? What a small fucking world

Calling AI "slop" has been one of the most effective instances of the public rebranding a product and it pisses them off.

They said YOUR life is better in your 30s over your 20s, not life on earth in the 2020s is an improvement over the 2010s - hope this helps!

No one ever self-identifies as the bad guys. The Nazis thought they were the good guys. Even movie villains don’t identify themselves as the bad guys. The bad guys are always one’s opponents, never one’s self.

New: Bernie Sanders to unveil $4.4 trillion tax on America's ~1,000 billionaires, saying it would pay for: — Medicare to cover dental/vision/hearing — Teacher pay at $60K/yr min. — $3K/person checks (under $150K/yr) — Universal childcare — Housing expansion www.washingtonpost.com/business/202...

The end of the world is shockingly slow and unnecessarily irritating

A service member I know told me last year he voted for Trump because he didn’t want to be sent overseas to fight in any more wars and that Kamala would get us involved with Iran I said Donald is a maniac who will absolutely do this very thing you are trying to avoid And well dear reader