This kind of shit pisses me off so much. Consuelo Vanderbilt died in 1964 why are you posting on Instagram as her speaking *in the first person*

Heidi Klum. In a world where the wealthiest people sell their souls to capitalism and lock human empathy in a closet yet still remain the most joyless chuds on the planet, there’s Heidi Klum. Dress up as a worm. Spend your money on sick ass Halloween costumes and then go home.

Wait Prince Charles diva I was unaware of your drip

The Taylor swift nuclear strike countdown clock

This is a direct order ✨stop fucking emailing me✨

Brits calling the metal engine cover on a car the “bonnet” vs Americans calling it the “hood”

“This has been the hardest year of my life” I continue to say year after year as it gets harder and worse 😌 When does it get easier and more glamorous

A celestial amount of marijuana and a large popcorn please

The Devil Has Been Forced to Thrift Prada Due to Reduced Circumstances

Displaying every gold urn he owns on the mantle and those gratuitous baroque appliqué flourishes that are stylistically incongruent with the room… It looks like Ramzan Kadyrov’s low rent palace in Chechnya

Again, the US needs a new constitution and a complete overhaul of the Supreme Court, Executive, and Judicial branches. The Legislative branch needs to be restructured to avoid corporate and high-wealth lobbying/corruption, and the methods/process of representation needs a new framework.

I can’t get over this address That man came over here and played in the government’s face, gave them all a stern talking-to, and they leapt to their feet and cheered. Don’t ever tell me Americans don’t respect the crown Thats still our king, if only in spirit

Elizabeth Taylor and I did not ask to be born this way

Chat did he curse me

This would be so unbelievably offensive to me but luckily I’m Geoffrey with a G. Elegant. Tasteful. Aristocratic.

*sees a hot guy in friend’s extended circle on IG Ooh 👀 *navigates to profile *scrolls *wedding photos, 👬emoji God dammit not again *rinse and repeat

as in stupid and bad:

When you come across a video advertising a “luxury” product that looks tacky so you open the comments to see if anyone else has anything mean to say and your bitch friend was in there a year ago talking mad smack 😌✨

*sigh* please open your textbooks to pp. 314 where you’ll find the medieval history reference

Clothing stains King John’s jewels 🤝 “It’ll come out in The Wash”

Reason #783 why I love Vanessa Williams

I think we would hate writing resumes so much less if we could just say what we mean > can write polite emails > can keep an organized spreadsheet > keeps to deadlines more or less > funny (in an HR approved way) All this verbose “synergy” office speak is so tiring

The way I am HORNTY for 20-something Jon Hamm

Don’t be so hard on yourself Good people make mistakes, fools make them twice, and bad people make trouble simply because it serves them. If your missteps aren’t driven by selfish premeditation you’re not doing as much wrong as you think

The “gay guy always on slutty vacations” ‘s straight girl counterpart is the “woman always at destination weddings”

Don’t wanna queen today but needs must

Bezos’ next yacht should be called the HypocriSea

Pull day in the gym with vintage Celine spinning in the earbuds

“Freedom” is a meaningless catch-all for whatever slackjawed imbecility passes for principle these days. So much drool has fallen from the mouths of idiots onto the constitution it has rendered the ink nearly illegible.

Hurricane Sally realizing she’s only storm #18

Hurricane Gonzalo is so flamboyant it’s giving Walter Mercado

All I want for Christmas is to be left alone with multiple millions of dollars in cold hard cash

DONT👏🏼DO👏🏼THIS👏🏼ITS👏🏼NEVER👏🏼THAT👏🏼SERIOUS👏🏼

Well this is certainly a new approach

St George’s Weekend part 2

“Only $10/mo billed annually” Don’t pmo that’s $120 billed once and you’re locked into a year of the service

Madonna included safer sex information with every copy of the (patchouli-scented) Like A Prayer album. There’s a reason why gays of a certain age (my age) will always love her, she had our backs when few did.

Another Saturday ✨

People who pronounce it vee-HIC-le are so quaint to me 🚗

I love a model ship but WHERE DO YOU EVEN DISPLAY THAT?? INSIDE YOUR AIRPLANE HANGAR??

4/18 Rose Dewitt Bukater Lies to the DMV

When someone asks me, a funny girl with no filter and a pathological need to be validated by laughter, to read the room

4/15-4/17 Rose Dewitt Bukater’s Immigrant Drag Race

DJ TURN THAT SHIT THE FEHK ÆP

This man and the dead animals

I need to take time away from my career to focus on rest and eating

Mandatory capital punishment for people who leave comments on porn videos

Hey everybody - I’m in a wedding this summer and have the bridal shower coming up in a couple weekends … what kind of gift would be expected from me at this event?