if I had kids and they tried to fake being sick to get out of school I'd let them stay home but id make them lick the floor in at least 3 diff rooms in the apartment (hallway counts) so they learn a little smth abt the truth

fast food hack: in the mood for a burrito? all you need is a bag of tortillas from the store and a burrito bowl from chipotle and uhhhh I think you can figure out the rest from there

there has to be at least 1 tech billionaire who's having gollum conversations in the mirror

if i run into bari weiss when we're all in the camp, im gonna stomp on her glasses and poke her in the eyes 3 stooges-style

tomorrow on my day off I'm excited to: 1. drink coffee 2. drink green tea

me, abt to cement my reputation as silicon valley's #1 rudest, most twisted, most in demandest roast comic: "hey any of y'all notice marc andreesson's head looks like a damn egg? and that's no yolk!" *i hold up a vintage hand-cranked egg beater for emphasis*

10 hour day today but I made good money at least

we need a military draft so beetle bailey can become relevant again

which fast food restaurant is the most succulent

im not heavily invested in world cup but I'm rooting for the country with fewer nazis

there's a spot in hell for everyone who made this happen, if you remember one thing abt the anti-trans movement make it this: they are killing children

as silly as roko's basilisk is, I feel like it would follow that people whose goal was to create a sentient AI to enslave are the ones most at risk of forever torture

the aristocats is a gnostic allegory

9+ hour workday today hope it's not too hot 😖

monsooned malabar coffeeee 😸☕

idk if anyone else has noticed this but rick from rick and morty is kind of like the living embodiment of not giving a fuck and i think that's probably part of why people think he's so cool

there's a spot in hell for everyone who made this happen, if you remember one thing abt the anti-trans movement make it this: they are killing children

living with roommates has made me understand how antisocial dipshits can write articles where they advocate for a final solution to "the puppy girl question" bc spot didn't do the dishes a couple times but the difference is that I try to cultivate a Paul Blart style love for humanity

gun hamburger (no cheese) that when you take a bite it shoots a man in self defense

i think I'd like him more if his name was machine sun jelly

I bet you could teach a raccoon to detail cars

i think if yr a woman it's important to have at least one band tshirt for a band youve never rly listened to like that and mine is a guns and roses tshirt i found on the ground 10 years ago with a topless lady riding a handgun like a horsey on the front

this is the first little cooking project I've undertaken in my new place as a single woman and it turned out so so good and I'm getting a little emotional abt it

it's cooling but I'm so excited 😸

im just trying to get pretty girls to hit me idk

when someone's playing or casually listening to klezmer music, it's one of the only times you can go "hey get a load of friggin john zorn over here 😏"

ordered some perfume today 😸

anyway I found out this is a perfume i could buy and I'm being rly normal abt it demeterfragrance.com/collections/...

I've been trying to get better at figuring out when to employ the power of playing dumb

all im saying is if you organize yr life the right way, then when you ask yrself "what should I have for a snack?" the most obvious answer is "some kimchi and rice"

uh oh, it's teatime

my straight edge roommate told me I'm addicted to stimulants when she saw me making a cup of coffee this morning and she didn't even realize it was cup #2

one of the world's most prevalent forms of misogyny is when the leather seats in a luxury automobile are rly hot and burn the backs of yr juicy thighs a little when you sit down

i do love my city but the people here do not know what to do with a gregarious transsexual sweetie pie like me (you make small talk with her)

when people were saying it's "cancer season" i thought it was supposed to be a gentle reminder to apply sunscreen

disabled trans woman being kicked off disability, need money for bills sundries and more while i dispute this. ive been through so much, pls don't let me hit rock bottom. anything helps 🖤💜 ca: $dyadicsapphic pp/vn: @dyadicsapphic

do i have any fragrance mutuals and do y'all have experience/opinions abt demeter and/or the library of fragrance? their whole schtick seems kinda neat but if you told me they suck it wouldn't shock me

im just trying to get pretty girls to hit me idk

found out there used to be a gay porno mag called "inches" and they'd tell you on the cover how many were inside

checking in on my dough baby this morning

it would be incredibly funny if the thing that ultimately causes flock to fail as a company is normal ass cops using it to be creepy pieces of shit

i think it's good for a gnostic group chat to have one tedious hylic constantly going "stop talking abt that, it doesn't matter, don't worry abt it, there's nothing behind the curtain there, omg yr being soooo immature with this gnostic stuff"

shane gillis should get a couple teeth pulled so he can look like a true rube

The Men Who Stare at Goals (2009)

you never need to say "assless chaps" bc if they had an ass they'd be pants

if any of these people truly cared abt the world cup they would pick an entire cheering section to take a heavy dose of psychedelics and project tremendous psychic violence onto the opposing team's star player

fascianting article abt people trying to make fine art with generative ai and getting stuck staring into a shitty mirror like all the other ai acolytes inevitably do removepaywalls.com/https://www....

the ioc: "oh no, nobody wants to watch our stupid little boring little weak pussy-ass little sports festival on tv" me, practicing gun no hokei in the corner: 😏😎

next olympics needs gun katas

verbally savaging a child at the convenience store for picking a flavor of taki that says "zero heat" on the bag