Movie Review: The Matrix Take a pill to go live in the equivalent of a Greyhound bus and eat cat food schmoo. Pretty realistic. 8/10

Live Laugh Litigate

What a unremarkable day. I think I'll have a spaghetti dinner.

I wanted to be a "Sex-O-Lette" but I couldn't pass the math section of the exam.

Employees: We will be outsourcing the "Finding Out" part of FAFO from this point on.

"The Confederacy" was the Washington Generals of their day. #johnbrownwasright

To quote Donna DeMarco: "My husbands in the ocean, gambling."

I'm going off the rails on a Gravy Train.

OSHA has really put a dent in the "supervillain falling into vat of toxic goo" origin stories numbers.

Today someone will be Declaring their Independence from their fingers.

I'm very amazed how much the huffing ones farts pipeline has accelerated in this AI-Slop future we live in.

The hell with #waymo , #SpeedBuggy is the only autonomous car I'll get into.

After a lengthy meeting with the finance department, we have determined we will just be taking your money and not providing any goods or services in return. Onward to profitablity! Enjoy, Consumers!

Does Pete Hegseth have to blow into a tube to start up the Pentagon?

I once had a ingrown brain.

Blind Boxes are Precious Moments figurines, but for young people.

Suddenly the government doesn't want you to have #floride . What is the government hiding and why are they trying to suppress this cheap and effective treatment? #bigpharma

Who was elected #antipope ? youtu.be/FxxhAS16vB0?...

"Looking at your 401K is woke" #trumpslump

Senator Grassley (R-IA) then proceeded to put an onion on his belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the #trumptarrifs . The only ones he could get were the big yellow ones.

I run a Pub Trivia night for morons. Questions include: "Name a TV show." "Write down a number." "Did you see a movie recently?" "True/False - Football is played with a football." Please give me more ideas for questions!

Back in my day, the #MBE was a rather challenging examination. These new grads are gonna have it easy as there seem to be no wrong answers in the current field of practice.

My #D&D character is a #SoverignCitizen who's bullshit actually works.

In the airport watching the financial news like...

I sure didn't have "crash the market with a excel printout" on my Trump administration bingo card.

I buy my makeup at office depot.

Anyone else thinking of John Inman everytime Humphrey's Executor is mentioned in the news? #areyoubeingserved

I recently had brunch with the King of Hell. He's just as bewildered as I am regarding current events. I picked up the tab. It was the least I could I do.

Integrity in politics is like a mostly empty ketchup bottle that someone has been adding water to and shaking up since 1968.

I didn’t know Jack Daniels made whine

As Russia’s war in Ukraine enters its fourth year, and Trump mulls cutting military aid entirely, here are some ways to help Ukraine and stand with Ukrainians.

In retrospect, the Harris campaign should have just promised (and not delivered on) replacing the milk in the school cafeteria with a Coca-Cola machine. Worked for me when I ran for president in the 11th grade.

Why does the trolly problem never involve a guy with a waxed moustache and top-hat/cape?

Is the "White Zone" still for loading and unloading or has President Musk declared that to be "DEI Woke Garbage"?

I executive ordered myself a chocolate milk.

My ex-husband Charlie was a swinger. He used to just sit on that porch swing for hours. Swinging gave him something to do while I was out on dates with many of the popular and attractive male underwear models from the JC Penny catalogue.

New Square Feature Allows Customers To Tip With Bible Quote theonion.com/new-squ...

Consumers! The H.Muffy Perot archives are now available on bsky! If you like AI slop, you will surely enjoy my original-recipe slop.

That mouthy flytrap from space was all like "Feed me, Muffy!". Not today, Satan. After reading Leviticus 17:10 to the plant, I proceeded to douse the plant in enough weed killer to turn my garden into a superfund site.

New years day is a great day to go to the gym to meet non-committal people for a hookup.

Everybody has that one Aunt that puts canned tuna in something you'd otherwise enjoy. I am that Aunt.

I have a poly-date with Krampus and Zwarte Piet tonight.

If news-papers were edible, we'd still have traditional media.

More food should come in a can. Could you imagine a tall can of Twizzlers and the only thing keeping you from eating them is finding the can-opener?

I don't know what it is that I'm selling here, but you're gonna buy it! Enjoy, Consumers!

Restaurant Review: Kentucky Fried Chicken Chicken not always fried in Kentucky. Main ingredient: salt. Would not sell me a 32oz cup of gravy. Rather fetching proprietor. 10/10 #KFC

Movie review: "Forrest Gump" Few scenes in the forest. Shrimp Cocktails. Candy at the bus stop with strangers. Vietnam. Sally Field somehow not in a black Trans-Am. Stopped watching when "Bandit" never showed up. 7/10

A Confession: To my many paramores, I was not playing hard to get at first. Rather, I was just interested in things that were not you. To my ex-husband Charlie, you were not a thing of interest. But you made a damn fine tuna melt. To everyone: It was the tuna melt.

Money Saving Tip: If confronted by irate service personnel for a large bill you cannot cover, ask for an itemized receipt to buy some time in order to execute a effective 23-skidoo. Enjoy Consumers!

Someone in a cheap suit said I needed to make a statement for the MuffCo earnings call. Fine. Statement is as follows: "If the company goes under, I'll just switch to religion and start making some real fu****g money." Enjoy, consumer!