The best thing about a sprained ankle is being massively depressed really gels well with the lack of mobility

Ladies continue to love cool James

I keep answering ads on Craigslist asking for pitchers and every time I show up it's just one guy how are we gonna play baseball with just the two of us ?

I'm simply not having a good time 🤙🏄

I need to get to the moon so I can leave my gay thoughts there

Tom the cat was a bitch because if my cat spotted Jerry that little guy would be looking at his own intestines like it was a nam movie

The raw power I feel on Libby when I finish a book and see one person waiting in line is better than any orgasm. I am the decider the only thing stopping you from reading this Reacher Novel is me your new god

Hooters just filed for Bankruptcy no one text I just need time to grieve

I don't do Ozempic because when I eventually get hot, ripped and sexy I want the full credit to go to the 33 tapeworms I put in the bowl of ice cream I ate last night

Another day another CIA agent in the moat I've dug out front of my house

Crazy weather we're having today it's got me thinking so many gay thoughts

"The Philadelphia School District has announced that it will not follow an executive order from Donald Trump, and that it will instead continue to allow transgender athletes to compete on teams that align with their gender identity."

The cowards in Hollywood weren't ready for big eastern European vampire dick. Not me though Im ready 👉👈

Advice for delivery people write down every address you deliver to . When the tip comes through cross it out then at the end of the week you have a list of doors to pee on while doing other deliveries

In the bug nightclub watching Bees do the Stingy leg and Rollie Pollies throw it in a circle

Heard RFK is banning Anti Depressants too bad he can't ban the greatest anti depressant of all

Looking to hire someone to sit on my shoulders and dangle a carrot in front of me out of reach to help me get my steps in

"I'm scared to love again ." "Dude aren't you currently in a relationship?" "I'm just really tired I don't think I can handle a second."

A late happy Valentine's Day to you all

"There's a foul stench this eve can you smell it ? Why are you backing away ? Oh it's me "😔

I'm thinking of running for Senate when I'm 83 I don't wanna wait till I'm too old .

The underwear where the flap is Horizontal makes me feel like im Wyatt Earp quick drawing when I piss

Got kicked out of a chess tournament for absolutely dominating them using checkers techniques

Hate that the only place to catch snowflakes on your tongue is next to the pissing tree but what can you do

Remembered I have this account hope everyone is having a very scary Sunday have as many panic attacks as your heart will allow ❤️🤩

Y'all went hard on the bookstore let's help them get him home

Whenever I stick my hand in the blender everything gets red and I get dizzy and I'm pretty sure that's what love is so yeah I love my ninja blender

" Me and the other monks got together and we think this whole vow of silence thing is a little whack I propose a vow of silence after 11pm on week nights " *Other monks nodding vigorously* "Also I think a little ass play on Saturdays is fair game " *Other monks shaking their head no vigorously *

Normalize used car salesmen getting to cry a little bit about their divorce mid sale

As I gaze through my broken driver side window at the local planet fitness, dunkin donuts iced coffee in hand, I am overcome with the feeling that I've finally made it in life.

I don't actually own a semi but I did just order truck nuts for my bike

Let's save a Philly bookshop https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-a-novel-idea-stay-open?utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet&utm_medium=copy_link_all&utm_source=customer

This is the one day a year I'm allowed to piss happy 4th!

Saw a cop with a death eater tattoo which I mean yeah of course yeah sure that tracks

If someone doesn't give me nachos rn I might shootsky myself

Post limit on Twitter poor fuckers are missing out on gems like "my dick looks like Krang " or " my life like a movie . Cars 3 is the specific movie"

Post limit on Twitter poor fuckers are missing out on gems like "my dick looks like Krang " or " my life like a movie . Cars 3 is the specific movie"

Personally I think your cousin Mikey is a bitch and you can tell him I said that

Crying at the spicy chicken spot

Porn parody of little shop of horrors called Eat Me Seymour

Was rolling with a dude in BJJ and did a calf slicer and this motherfuckers leg turned out to be cake

I'm scared that when I die the mortician is gonna suck my toes .

Everyone hated my Sourdough at the potluck maybe I didn't add enough warheads

Woke up in the Night club trying to eat my hoagie HOAGIE bouncer came up and tried to Throw me THROW ME and my hoagie HOAGIE fool didn't know me KNOW ME and how much I like a hoagie HOAGIE . Alright agent you are now activated you know what must be done

Tearing my rotator cuff trying to reach the top shelf like a big boy

There is a lunk alarm in my heart and you just dropped the weights

Are you my eX cause these are files

Awww skeet skeet god damn