"In this world, some days you're Wobblin' and some days you're Goblin." -Me, sharing the wisdom I've gained with age (not much)

I can't sleep so I'm playing Mariokart with my Insomnia Paralysis Demon

Everyone knows the Easter Bunny but few know about the Ash Wednesday Baboon. I don't think you assholes are ready for him

Here's a fun riddle for your Saturday! Question: What is deeply unsatisfying? Answer: I don't knowwwwwww!!!!!

Plato's Allegory of the Man Cave teaches us that reality is just shadows and kegerators and a Cruisin' USA cabinet

this is the fourth time we've made Star Fox 1, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it

MILF Mii I'd like to friend

The Last Jedi is unironically fantastic and I predict in 10 years' time many fans will come around to it, similar to how opinions about the Prequels evolved

Thinking about whales, dolphins, porpoises, et cetacea

Hot cowboys say Yaoi-haw It's the Yaoi-law

Omg it's May! Just like from that famous meme!! Brother may I have some oats 🤣🤣🤣

OH NO I THINK MY BUTT IS BECOMING HAUNTED!!!!!!!!!!!

OT TNEW I SDRAWKCAB DNA NWOT TOG I LLA SIHT SAW TRIHS-T YSUOL

Fuck them "Essential Oils"!! I want the OPTIONAL shit!!!!

What if you looked close at an ant colony, and the ants were actually tiny David Byrnes from the "Once in a Lifetime" music video

Interpretive Dance, but I'm interpreting a guy who wants to eat snacks and doomscroll all day

Live each day like a NSFW artist taking a commission to draw Sonic the Garfield

Anyway, here's wonderwall (pulls fire alarm)

Omg perpenDEERcular

Mmm yes *sip sip* I'm getting notes of 'wehhhhhh!' and *sip* a little bit of 'I don't wannaaaaaaa!' -Me, at a whine tasting

I am 100% convinced that a Gen Z shitposter has invented time travel

Cowa-buttstuff dudes! #80s #Lingo #cool

The difference between you and me? You've been playing checkers While I... studied the sword Hobbies are nice :)))))

I had a dream that Isaac Asimov released a new book titled "I, Pepperoni"

If every seagull on Earth had a billion dollars, economists would be all "wait, What!??"

We're all just dogs, butt-scooting across the carpets of our lives

"Babe if you still loved me, would I be a worm?" ☝️ (THIS IS A SUPER CUTE AND ROMANTIC THING TO SAY TO YOUR PARTNER 100 TIMES PER DAY, YOU'RE WELCOME)

How to COFFEE in 3 easy steps 1.) Oh YUM! 2.) It's awake time! 3.) Call me the bad guy from Attack of the Clones, 'cause I gotta Count that Dooku

Watching a TV show called "The Orifice" and this sucks!! It's just butts and holes, where is Steve Carell!??

"Maaaaan, these Underwater Bird edibles ain't shit." (15 minutes later)

As Sherlock Holmes once said: "Ooh I'm Sherlocking! I'm Sherlocking! Nnnnnnnnmmmmmm.... ELEMENTARYYYYYY!!!!"

🎶 On the f***t day of Christmas my true love gave to meeeee A p**t***** in a p*** t***

putting a bunch of small crates followed by a chest-height metal pipe in my foyer so that when guests come over they learn how to jump and crouch

You miss 100% of the shots -LeBorn "Bamsketball" Jame

"Big Head Mode" means something WAY different as an adult

jupiter wishes you a very happy trans day of visibility 🏳️‍⚧️

Haven't you seen the movies? Olaf does this like sixteen times; it's like his WHOLE thing

Me: I decided to swap the printer ink with apple juice You: That's a terrible prank! And it's not even April Fool's Day yet- that's tomorrow!! Me: (sipping yellow toner) what's Abril Foo's Duh? (passes out, but like, distinguishedly)

I'm "PooPooDooDooMaxxing" Is this a thing? Am I doing it right? Please help I'm horrendously out of touch

"I live my life a quarter mile at a time." -Airline pilot who is about to get FIRED

Wait, Mario Galaxy is in the Starfox movie????

you ever find something in your art folder you have literally no memory of making

For tax purposes, I am now classified as a Light Utility Truck

YOU'RE ALL WELCOME, BTW

(Werner Herzog voice) Must one be a "cutie" in order to be a "patootie?" Are the two intertwined, or separate concepts? Could there be a "doody patootie?" Anyway, here's Wonderwall (starts playing "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls)

Ohhhh I'm cheesin'! I'm cheesin'!! (unspeakable cheese noises)

I need funding for my 11th failed business idea: a dual Greek and French restaurant called "NOT ALL GYROS WEAR CREPES" It'll be way better than my last one: a bakery and plumbing company called 'CREPES & CRAPS' Does anyone have a million dollars I can borrow and never pay back?

I had a dream that Windows had a new program called 'Microsoft Obama' and the slogan they were using to market it was "It's This."

WOW! Scientists at CERN have announced an amazing new development- the sequel to food! "We hope everyone will enjoy Food 2," said Professor Lars Stormgren, "though please understand it is not eaten through the mouth like regular food." "It's yummy squared!" he later added.

Merch Eighteemph ☝️ Today is the only day you can read this!! Don't read it tomorrow or you go to JAIL!