Goddammit, I laughed too hard and failed "No-Poop January"

I worked SO hard putting all the blue makeup on the aliens by myself!!!

How to Fall Down an Open Manhole In this essay, I

Me: (noticing there's only one set of footprints in the sand) Jesus: (struggling to get a vending machine to accept a crinkled $1 bill)

GOAT: greatest of all time! GHOST: greatest horse of some times

"Daaaad! No one is saying 'Ooga Booga' anymore! It's 'Unga Bunga' now! Stop trying to be cool!!" - A teenager 800,000 years ago

slightly diminish a band Person and the Things

I think Pac-Man had it right I would eat the SHIT outta them ghosts

She Oingo on my Boingo until I Chumbawumba

Metal New Gear

If you start 2026 at exactly 12:00 am today, you can finish the year exactly midnight, New Year's Eve 2027!

Leaving out cookies for Santa, raw milk for Satan, and uncooked ramen for Santana (my sleep paralysis demon)

Happy Fuckmas! ...sorry, technically it's "All Fucko's Eve

got his ass

It hardly feels real, but after 3 years of grueling post-production, AVATAR: FIRE AND ASH is now playing in theaters! I can't wait for you all to see what this incredible team put together. It's WILD

The invisible hand of market economics won't stop high-fiving me!! My face hurts!!!!!

"Uh-oh! Meesa horny for murder again!" -Jar Jar Binks, about to fail his "No Bombad Oopsies December" challenge

@onsta.bsky.social HAPPY BIRPSDAYYYYY ✨️

shared universal knowledge

I'm bringing back "Great Googly Moogly!" in 2026

To this day, @michaelbarryte.bsky.social cannot read this piece without crying from laughing

1 in the pink, 2,811,630,994 in the stink Uh oh

Aw yiss time for a... MIDNIGHT SNACK!!!! (shoves an entire roll of paper towels down my stupid throat)

(Samus found the other door but DEFINITELY wasn't allowed to use it)

Me: My synonyms are he/him Her: You mean your pronouns? Me: Who said that?? Ghosts??? (In this joke my head is stuck in a sock)

My sexy fantasy wife, in lingerie: "I'm not wearing anything underneath this..." Me: "Well DUH! That's how all clothing works!"

Happy Yesterbirthday to my Brother in Time, @barrykramer.bsky.social!!! youtu.be/NqbrIb4BMHM?...

This year's birthday video for my brother is the longest, most insane thing I have ever made. I can't wait for you all to see it tomorrow

Oh no, Step-Turkey! I'm stuck in all these mashed potatoes! Omg what are you doing, Step-Turkeyyy mmmmmnnnn

ChatGPT is NOT alive and yet it IS stupid? God’s mysteries confound us all!

Yeah! I'm into BUTT STUFF: Bwait how Udo these Things work? Thelp Suhhhhhhhh Tuhhhhh Uwaitno Fshit Fahhhhhhh

Doctor's says I got a case of the tortilla chips And it's... *crunch* ...Terminal

Computer! Activate holodeck program 'Launch me out the airlock 002' [Beep Boop] oh SHIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiwhydidiprogramthiiiiiiiiisssssss

Goofy: A-hyuck! Gawrsh fellas, I can't believe we all got our heads stuck in this here particle accelerator! Yoda: Mmmmmm, extremely painful this will be. But peace we must make with our fates. Eh, Dooby-Scoo? Scooby-Doo: Whrat ruh hell ris rong rith yrour vroices?

I'm pretty sure I can single-handedly shut this down with my magnum opus "2 Goofys, 1 Cup"

Me: Here (hands you a bottle of "Ass Explosion Potion") uhhhhh don't worry about the label.

(A sick guitar solo plays as I spend the next 30-40 years fucking around)

Pokémon Honk & Pokémon Shoo

BREAKING: Flavortown, USA has been unincorporated due to having zero registered population. Guy Fieri states he will appeal the ruling. AP

I'm beginning to think that the ACTUAL Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are just four different movie roles that Jared Leto has done Joker and Morbius are DEFINITELY two of 'em

While you were out partying, I studied* the blade** *fucked **orb

Me: Here's a picture of me on my morning run, doing a dance upon seeing the milk delivery; it's my jogging jug jig jpeg My wife: (non-existant) Me: WOMEN, amiright? My wife: (I'm not married)

Congrats to the LA Dodgers for making my neighborhood super explode-y

Idea# 382: Infinite Potatoes Pros: hell yeah Cons: tipated

HALLOWEEN ON FRIDAY THE 31th!!??? Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii *Skeletons Rattling* *Lightning Thunders* *Frankenstein Eating 700 Tootsie Rolls* *Pumpkins Smashing* *Two Ghosts straight up Splorpin'* *Me Stubbing My Toe on every single Tombstone* *Frankenstein Diarrhea*

If you're the Swedish Chef, Halloween means "Hi Penis"

Lettuce Werewolves be like Awroooogula

Everybody knows "Trick" Everybody knows "Treat" But you motherfuckers always forget the third part of the trio: "Trust"

I wanna play Metal Gear Triangle so bad, but I'm dummy thin, and the swooshing of my droopy ass cheeks keeps alerting the guards