This morning horn is killing me 🥵

Me and who’s son

Excuse me, can someone tell me why the Fruit Shelf is empty apart from the straights today? Not a shirtless bear in sight!

I’m not crying, you are! IYKYK

I’m revisiting my Fall Out Boy on full volume until I can feel something era

Sold.

Me: I think I’ve pull a muscle in my back Lodger: want a Rennies? 🤦🏻‍♂️

Why does day sleep feel so much better than night sleep maybe I’m Australian

The way my playlists like to give me whiplash 😵‍💫

Forgot shops would be closed today so emergency chicken thighs it is 🍗

Cut myself shaving. I’m 33 for crying out loud.

You love to see it. Can you clear down your inbox? #MailboxChallenge

Can someone explain why today feels very ‘dance around the flat to Owl City whilst doing the housework’

Good lord I am ✨feral✨ at the moment 🥵

Paras must have a good PR team because what do you mean this is the angry little c*nt who terrorised me in Legends?

FaceTimed my mate and she answered, in public, without headphones. So I did the natural thing and started hollering; ‘hey everyone look at me, I’m taking a private call in a public space because I have no regard for society!’ I’ve never seen someone blush so hard so fast and end the call 🤣

Pew pew 🔫

Waiting for my mate to finish work and I’ve put myself into a food coma 💀

But did you pay the pit tax?

I literally only came in for asparagus ffs. Every time.

Tickets secured for Lucy Darling, I could cry with excitement 🥹

I should just learn my lesson: no flavour will beat White Ultra, this stuff is gross.

I’ve lived in Stockwell for over 5 year and I’ve only just learned that this walkway has the best acoustics. Don’t mind me while I live my best Main Character Moment

Anyone out there got a PS5? I need some more gaming buddies 👉🏻👈🏻

Can we talk about how beautiful Yahya Abdul-Mateen II yet? #WonderMan

People that say, ‘pre-prepared,’ make my teeth itch 😬

Marvel’s Wonder Man is fantastic. Ben Kingsley must be protected at all costs 10/10

No, you’re crying in public because of a post it note 😭

Nothing has aged me quite like trying to figure out how to use my PS5 this weekend, having not owned a Sony console since the PS2 💀

Pizza and DnD 🍕🎲 😁

I watched 28 Years Later last night and I was shocked to find just how moving it was. I was expecting 120 minutes of gratuitous violence, not a heartfelt tear jerker 🥺

Realtalk..how are you supposed to dispose of kitchen knives? I’ve had the same set for nearly a decade, bought a new set and don’t know what to do with them. Do you just bin them? Is that legal? Do I need to find a knife amnesty bin?

Okay so I’m really ill, to the point I’ve had to call 111 and now they’re sending a paramedic and now I’m very conscious of how messy the flat is but I’m too sick to do anything about it 🙃

Finally losing my Smallville virginity, 25 years later

How have I only just discovered Fage yogurt? Heartburn, be gone!

So apparently when it’s cold and quiet and the air is really still, I can hear Big Ben chiming from my flat!

Trying to find a work in an economy that is actively hostile to the very idea of employing people is so darkly depressing. Please sir! A morsel of servitude so I can feed myself for a day?

Back to work Monday mood.

The cheek of it, on NYE too! 👴🏼

Happy New Year one and all 🥂

Last day of the year so what am I doing? Cleaning the fuck out of my flat and getting my life in order to hit the ground running on 1st January, that’s what.

Why do my parents need 3 fridge freezers?

Happy Cold Cuts Day

Obligatory post crimis crimis sammich

Strong contender for Best Uncle this year

Please tell me it’s normal to perform a smudging at 2:20am in your pants with the lights off because you can’t sleep and you feel the bad juju in the room 💨 📖🙏🏻

If being middle-aged is feeling excited over the delivery of the Dyson you got 50% off on Black Friday Sales, then fuck it, I am middle aged.

Grow bitch, grow!

I just ordered a fridge freezer because it was a bargain but it’s not due to arrive until 12th January. Can I wait that long or should I cancel and order a different one?

It’s crazy the things you’ll find on Amazon Black Friday sales 🐶