thoughts and prayers to the FBI agent who happened to be on his director's shit-list for like, filing his paperwork late, who is now on his way to interrogate the etsy witch with 100% seriousness

wdym white people don't have their own culture and food? have you never put potato chips on a hot dog? have you never mixed coke and sprite at the soda fountain? have you never worn your shoes inside the house?

[lounging in Taylor's third solarium] Taylor: hey trav, I've come up with the perfect engagement caption! 'Your English teacher and your gym teacher are getting married 🧨' Travis: that's so smart babe... *to himself* I am SO just like an english teacher 🙂‍↔️

my 21yo coworker unwittingly told me he wants to become a cop after he graduates and now every shift the poor guy has to come prepared to defend his previously unexamined philosophy against an aristotelian barrage of questions as to the nature of crime and justice

*in the bene gesserit voice* alabama, arkansas, I do love my ma and pa, not that way–

baby while you're up can you get some baby carrots, a large bowl of ranch, some ruffles potato chips, and exactly seven hot dogs with only mustard on them thanks love you

I got the job! (couples therapist at Blackrock)

you're poly? what was it like having to tell all of your previous sexual partners they need to get tested

it really sucks that joss whedon did bad things to women and I obviously do not condone what he did in any way but you can't deny that left to his own devices he is a REALLY good, tight screenwriter and the first 15 minutes of Serenity are a Master Class in storytelling.

id like to start this suicide note with a land acknowledgement.

what's your personal distinction between "ahhh" and "aaah"

kinda lame that physical gains require maintainence. like you lose them if you don't keep working out. what the fuck.

to talk about a two-state solution is to spit in the faces of every Palestinian, living and martyred. it was insulting 20 years ago and it's impossibly more insulting today. the work is not done while isræl still exists. I believe in a one-state solution — Palestine 🇵🇸

so in s7e17 of The Office Jim references Justin Bieber to Dwight, who responds "who is Justice Bieber?" but in the superfan cut, Jim then looks at the camera and goes "...a crime fighting beaver?" and Dwight says, "YOU THINK THERE'S A CRIME FIGHTING BEAVER THAT I DON'T ALREADY KNOW ABOUT"

my Lyft driver knows all the words to Paparazzi and none of the notes

I know it will be a boon in the water wars, but right now being an instantaneous and high volume sweater is really embarrassing and inconvenient

the tiiiiniest bit validating that I was right to pick the small liberal arts uni where, as a physics major, I still had to take courses in philosophy, foreign language, econ, comp sci, environmental sci, english, and art.

hey when are v neck t shirts going to be back in style? asking for two friends

look I'm about as atheistic as you can possibly be but if the Pope marched into Gaza with an army of relief workers (or just an army, tbh) I would become the most devout catholic in the known universe

got a Be My Eyes call but someone else answered it before I could now I'm never getting into heaven 😭

literally not a single instance where it's better than the before

just 1, but it's BAD

okay. three things: the raccoons thought the cybertruck was a dumpster lmao all car trunks are raccoon proof except for cybertrucks, as illustrated by your own photo

the girl who just discovered listening to music waking up today and looking in the mirror: You're the Dr. Ally Louks of sounds

inside you there are two fingers. three if you're lucky.

people say that the anonymity of the internet allows people to say things they would never say face to face. but I am autistic. I am this rude in person too

you know when you first sign up for Spotify, and it shows you a bunch of artists, and you tap if you like them, and then three more similar artists pop up, and you do that until you run out and then Spotify knows your complete music tastes? SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE THAT FOR BOOKS PLEASE

the best thing about living in a big city like Chicago is that you'll just be walking around and spot the most CATACLYSMICALLY BEAUTIFUL person you've ever seen in your entire life, someone whose residence would burn a small town to the ground, and then you'll keep walking and see another

I love navigating the ample aisles of Costco with people who are clearly encountering 3 dimensional space for the first time in their lives.

"dude is gender neutral" - guy who has never once in his life referred to a girl as dude

*in my bravest voice* i DO think that being really hot and intimidating stops people from 'getting' my deeply autistic sense of humor

they say that you are the average of your 5 closest friends and looking around this bbq I think that means I'm super duper gorgeous

Zohran may have the nomination, the momentum, and the supporters, but Eric Adams still has one finger left uncurled on the monkey's paw he stole from a tribe in the Amazon

HUGE NEWS!!!! A new poll has me within single digits of leading in my race, ahead of FIVE other career politicians. This is incredible! I was a "long shot" in March. Now we’re proving that grassroots campaigns can be viable and win — but I can’t do it without your help.

forcing myself to watch the new Captain America movie just to keep up with the whole marvel *gestures around* stuff, and this has to be THE. WORST. MOVIE. I'VE. EVER. SEEN. I'm not one to talk about realism when it comes to superhero movies but NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE EVERYTHING IS WRONG

I think it would be so sick to become famous, look the exact same as I always do (average), and have people post my pic with the caption "INSANE FACE CARD"

my neighbor would, through the timeless language of fireworks, like to wish you a happy 12:21pm on June 16th

Select Penny Wu as your first choice! Personal recommendations for 2 and 3 would be (in any order): Emilie Mohler Lindsay Soo

Vote for me to play in the PUL vs WUL All-Star game! forms.gle/VqDAcjLnieJb... Playing in a league that CELEBRATES trans athletes is such a gift and I'm privileged to be a part of it 🏳️‍⚧️

if you believe anti-ICE protests don't accomplish anything, you're a fool. just think of all the cops who are to tired to beat their wives right now

*poe dameron voice* somehow, smart shuffle™️ got worse

the secret to getting the tall lesbian and the bisexual girl with a boyfriend to introduce themselves to you at the gym is simply to lift very heavy weights did you know that

waking up early to watch a sunrise? beautiful, calming, consensual. seeing the sun rise on your long, mdma comedown walk home from the club? unconsensual. terrible.

there's people who act like your friend when it costs them nothing and there's the people who go out of their way to fight for you when it matters and learning who lands where is the sucky part of life

hanging out at the bar and after my 6th beer I was isekai'd into a world where my friends think I'm funny and cool

I have a very stoic coworker. really nice guy, good at his job, and from his sideburns, very obviously an orthodox jew. although we've never talked about it. in my best deadpan last night I said, "new pope today. big news for you and your family" never seen him laugh so hard in my life

look, I know why *I'm* eating a costco hotdog and soda at 10:02am on a tuesday and it's a perfectly good reason. but why are YOU eating a costco hotdog and soda at 10:02am on a tuesday because don't you have something better to do??

today is the day I realized that the song 'Superman' by Five for Fighting, was actually about Superman. I have the kind of brain that doesn't *process* the lyrics so much as *memorize* them and this whole time I thought it was about a man allegorically asking his wife for some sympathy 🫠

why *don't* they make a combination alcoholic THC beverage in a can? we'll drop 2 nukes on Japan but draw the line at having a super awesome time?

hey we all do that thing where you make a new friend and then go through your own insta to see what kind of person you look like through new eyes, right? just me?