5 Seconds of Summary Judgment

guy who thinks "the lion sleeps tonight" is an early example of jungle music

i cum like a water balloon with a hole poked in it

i probably think of this tweet at least once a month

“What’s up?” Oh thanks for asking. I’m making a smell out of my ass that’s like the bottom of a garbage can.

"what happened to the antique louis XV chair from 1852?" "oh, you mean my gooning chair?

wife caught me snacking on the flavored condoms again

the new pope seems promising but I’m not sure how this will go over

A Mrs Dalloway comes across the sky.

very carefully

this kind of walkable, mixed-use urbanism is literally illegal to build in most American cities

‪no you cannot have free feet pics.‬ and 27 others liked your post

getting the shakes and sweating because I can't say a racial slur

[ZZ Top voice]

a big reason why final fantasy 7 holds up is the lessons we can learn from its characters Cloud: be yourself and you can save the world, even if you're nobody special Tifa: inner strength is as important as physical strength Barret: you can solve your problems by attaching a giant gun to your arm

used to get my hair cut at a barber shop that had transparent plastic windows in their aprons. it was probably so people could look at their phone during their haircut, but my first thought was that it was there to prevent people from jacking off surreptitiously

they should invent a type of jail that you can do from home. heh, that's pretty good. [holds ice pack up to black eye where wife's boyfriend clocked me] owwwie

Due to an Abbott and Costello-esque misunderstanding of “Nuuk” during the U.S.-Denmark Greenland negotiations, we all have 90 seconds to find underground shelter

a being such as garfield could only have arisen through an intelligent creator. and odie? a vile creature, who could only exist by the hand of Satan

diarrhea

following nearly 300,000 accounts and beaming psychic damage into my eyes a la clockwork orange and giving myself a new type of TBI

now introducing the new Ford Bubungo. the Ford Bubungo SUV is the car that's as adventurous as you are. Ford Bubungo: it'll tane you anywhere you want to go.

doing Fairytale of New York at karaoke and adding in a bunch of anti-Irish slurs so people know I disapprove of the homophobic one

🚨 🚨 UH OH 🚨 🚨 CUMGRESS 🏛️😩 couldn’t 🙅‍♂️FINISH🙅‍♀️ and it’s time 📅😬 for a government 👀🤩🤩SLUTDOWN 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵 your FEDS with BENEFITS ✅✅😩👀 NEED somewhere to 🤠 SHACK 🏠🫣 👍👉THEY👈 are 🫠FURLOUGHED 👎🤒but 🙇YOU 💁‍♀️ can get 🤔🫣 FUR-LAID 🫃😤 📩SEND📫😎THIS😜 to 1️⃣0️⃣ 🗿HOES 🇺🇸 with 💸GUARANTEED BACKPAY💰🤑for 🤣🤣GUARANTEED🥰 BACKSHOTS 🤩🤩😍

my boss: are you looking at porn? me: i'm microdosing it. i'm looking at a titty pic here and there to make myself more productive throughout the workday. it's giving me no more than a quarter- or semi-on at any given time.

lawyer wearing a light-up christmas sweater that starts playing “jingle bell rock” as his client is taken into custody to serve 1-15 years in prison

oh, a large account that won't follow me back? maybe if i started posting like sephiroth you'll change your tune

walking around with an ear trumpet held at ass-level listening for farts

hey fartknocker. get your head out of your butt and quit fuckin' around.

harris: well joe, i think we need to have a conversation as a nation about what we want the future to look like. do we want to be a diverse, optimistic country or-- rogan: my buddy told me that wiping your ass actually is putting microplastics in your butthole, pull that up jamie

Well…you can’t say the Trump campaign wasn’t warned

wow they made the office into real life

Just remembered the time on twitter when a prolific poster posed as a woman for years, getting access to women-only group chats etc., only to confess that he was a man and using his dead wife’s picture as his avatar. This site doesn’t truly have the juice until something like that happens

unfortunately it turns out that if you bomb the wall, you get jail instead of rupees

[an ever-expanding image of tim robinson wearing the hotdog suit that swallows the universe]

??

i beat the game but i keep getting a screen that says SILENCIO?

saw this amazingly cursed masterpiece on reddit

honky-baked ham

thinking about christmases past and remembering that i wasn't upset to learn that santa wasn't real, i kind of knew already. but i believed in him anyway to get presents. i was doing pascal's wager with santa

women store DNA from the men they fuck just like the Jenova cells that Shinra injected people with

I went through this town once and they advertise having the “second best fish and chips in the country”

if elon musk actually goes through with his suit against the ADL, his briefs will absolutely use the phrase "pound of flesh" to describe his monetary losses

guy at the movie theater made me throw out the condom I brought from home and now I have to buy one of the overpriced concession ones

if you love monogamy so much why don’t you marry it

accidentally went to the adult showing of oppenheimer where you can say whatever the *hell* you want

for 50 seconds i thought there was monsters on the world.

ron desantis did the scene with the peach from Call Me by Your Name but with a muffin